I Miss My Friend :(

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Of my 32 years lived so far, I soooooo don’t believe the first 14 count as MINE, probably cos I developed excessive independance/tantrum issues by the tender age of 3 :). And as my parents/teachers/friends/siblings controlled my every god damn move til then, (Which BTW, I did not react well to at all :)), I officially wrote them years off as irrelevant, for this particular situation anyway ;//… Sooooooo with this time issue in mind, me and ‘Crimpadee-Cromp’, spent roughly HALF of our lives together. When I realised this, I understood why the hole left in my world feels so HUGE 😦 cos my friend of 10 years has left my life 😦

I miss her…….

I don’t believe in the end of friendship AT ALL, I believe in fixing them, whatever it takes. But losing ‘you’ has taught me one of the cruelest lessons of my life so far. Love does not bloody conquer all after all!!…Some things really are toooooo busted to mend!! Once the guts have been eaten right out……

Writing off the first pooey 14 years discussed earlier :), for arguments sake, say i’ll be around 55 ish when I pop my clogs. I will have had about 40 years of LIFE, counted as MINE 🙂 (OK well maybe i’ll be DOA at 39 with my lifestyle lol, but 55 just sounded better :)……Sooooo even when I’m on the way out, the HALF a life hole I have now, will still be a massive QUARTER life hole on my death bed. For ten long years she was by my side, as I was hers! The memories of our times hit me hard some days, but the HOLE is by far the most painful bit.

In spite of the ‘blame’ story, In spite of all that went on, My Labradoodle gene means I still love her. My heart kept poking my mind for weeks over this residual love, it does this when I need to say something, until my mind figures out what it is I need to say 🙂 I realised I just simply needed to tell her I love her, and that I always will. I know I always will because, I can’t just ‘unlove’ a HALF life companion, and I know myself well enough to know I will still love her, when time makes her a QUARTER life companion. We made some peace that day I called, we shed more tears, we misunderstood each other one last time, we expressed our care for each other, and our sadness. Washing away the ill feeling made things a little better, but the HOLE remains, as does the pain….And though quite sometime has passed since she left, the moments when I miss her, remain as shite, as the first moment I missed her 😦

I could summarise that a piece of my heart will always be missing….but maybe missing is the wrong word, cos if it was really ‘missing from me’, I wouldn’t be able to still feel it would I? :(. So I guess the summary goes….that section of my heart will remain detached from me, but I can still feel it’s alive, because it still hurts…….WHY?….because it’s not missing, it’s just forever in her hands…

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