The Media – Arguably the most influential of all the ‘institutions’ of our bizarre time, for instilling lorry loads of clap-trap into our conscious and subconscious minds. In a quest to warp rational thought; re-shape opinions based on logic and experience, into those based on tripe instead, tripe masquerading as fact. And also of course, to make us purchase Levi’s, just because fit guys wash them in 1970’s styleee romanticised launderettes…
Now we Brits are known for many things but I don’t think naivety is one of them. I think 99% of us KNOW that ‘A source said’ is poorly obvious code for ‘Beth in the gossip column made this up in the brainstorming session this morning’! Yet we continue to watch the news, watch TV, read the papers, scour magazines…Dollops upon dollops of mostly unsupported, biased, (and agenda based), inconsistent, inaccurate, utterly fickle drivvvle, permeates our senses on a minute by minute basis…
POOR US!! And this is not our bloody fault that we indulge in it people.
Here’s the gem/bo-lax/scape-goat explanation I hear so often from the media droids; on why they keep depressing the life out of us, with their morose, one track representations of the world and us peeps in it.
‘The Media serves the needs of its ‘consumers’; So apparently the media chooses its content solely based on what WE consider news worthy!!!
All my survey letters from the BBC, ITV, Radio 4, The Sun, The Mail, The Times, Hello… well they must have been lost in the post!
OR maybe you lot have all received them, and under the question ‘What you would like to know and see?’…you all ticked boxes: Misery. Bullcrap. Half Truths. More Misery. And under ‘Style of Presentation’ you all ticked box: ‘Please deliver all ‘news’ as boringly or inhumanly as possible’.
OR ‘Royal Mail’ have not just lost mine; but instead been paid millions to accidentally on purpose lose ALL the letters…
OR they have indeed forgotten to ask us all still! Doh!
Mary Hockaday ‘Ms BBC’ still hasn’t got round to asking me what I want to SEE and KNOW.
Shockingly, neither has old Max Clifford stopped by to ask if I consider him a suitable pundit for world news and truth!!
Bless ‘Woman Magazine’ though, they often ask their readers if they would like to see
a) more shades of eye-shadow
b) more pictures of celebrities with cellulite!!!
It’s a start I guess ;/, reader involvement and all that; and they are streets ahead of ITV and The Mail; but I fear that their reader involvement may not solve the problem of what we are to do with the barrage of ‘poor propaganda’ on slightly more pressing issues than; Do I wish to stare at Britney Spears cellulite for comfort, or No 7’s Deep Plum Shimmer???
I think I could guess that a lot of us keep up with current affairs around the globe; because we want information, we want knowledge and we want entertainment!
BUT we don’t CHOOSE the content of the stuff that permeates our poor souls; we just choose what to watch and read, from the poo-ey but gargantuan pile of bilge on offer (mainstream offer anyhoo).
Most of us don’t want to be ignorant and insular, so we watch, absorb, listen, read… but somewhere along the line, we often become entirely mis-informed and go around chirping opinions based on stats and stories that Jo Journalist shat out of his back passage ;//!
This mis-information and the continual hiding of important events, is controlled by very powerful boys and girls and unlikely to change (but ‘god bless’ Google Scholar, for exposing some slightly more factual information to us all on world events).
So in the sad absence of my ability to change the nature of the news and the rest of the media, this is my personal suggestion for at least spicing up the 6am BBC slot. I watched it yesterday and I felt like leaping off my balcony by 6.45am, to end the agony of waiting to be either savaged by wild criminals, die, eat poisoned e-coli tomatoes, be deformed by nuclear reactors, or be shot on the tube by a crazy infidel! Or if not, die of adult cot death
Dear Ms Mary of ze BBC,
I would like all news readers sporting a Sloane Square accent, to RAP the first 2 minutes of the news. (This would have the inadvertent side effect of mass increases in early rising, amongst the 6am snoozing group (for comedic value alone they would rise), we’d all then get more sun and bird chirping in the morning and cheer the fuck up a bit (it’s a win/win suggestion people ;)). Posh people rapping is funny, it just is…For rappers and non rappers alike!
A kind of Mastermind crew does ‘Street’!
Then AFTER the 20 minute torrent of dryly delivered information from around the globe, on death, death, crime, disasters, death, crime, death and impending death by breathing, eating, bending and sleeping. I would like 5 minutes of news on some of the ‘Jolly and Nice’ occurrences from around the globe, of which there are millions.
Anglia news has attempted this Jolly section for years (and they say Norfolk-ian’s are slow) though sadly it mostly consists of stories of giant marrows in Cromer, and ducks camping out with cows. Sweet yes, but for 12 years??? I’m sure there are more moving, hilarious, random and inspiring joyful stories out there!
Just yesterday in Sainsbury’s, my ‘Jayazepam Onion’ was picking us up some juice in the soothingly wide, fully stocked, only slightly populated isle, when an extremely serious Amazonian regal looking lady appeared, glanced around like a hawk on speed, and sporting a new age head-set, she messaged through an SOS:
“Stephen, it’s Maude, there’s a crisis on juice” ;))))…You could slip snippets such as this, subliminally (ish), into the marrows of Cromer/new roundabouts/cancer recovery stories; for a little extra pleasure/bemusement/’ant’ news 🙂
Following this I would like a 5 minute slot where a ‘Brummie’, a ‘Scouser’, a ‘Cockney’ and a ‘Welshie’ report on some of the daily global goings on; included in this slot would ideally contain a section where they briefly air their views on the developments, without the aid of any kind of script or prompts 😉
Then a snippet of the most hilariously pretentious quote of the week from one of the 7,435 cookery programmes should be flashed up
My fav’ of this week…In response to a guy who put apples and chilli on tuna on Masterchef
…Said with all the passion and gravity of a Shakespearean actor in his final monologue
“What a sad end, to a noble piece of fish”…Genius! Oh how I chortled
Then Carol from Loose Women and Janet Street Porter would join forces in a 4 minute political slot called ‘Questions from the Public’…Questions WE wish to ASK the boys and girls up top; questions which would receive wholly un-political and far more correct and highly entertainingly delivered answers. What ever happened to embracing the opinionated odd eccentric souls of our weird little country??
Finally (almost) the end Credits would consist of Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond, escorting the various regional reporters home, in one of their home-made, cut and shut, stretched limo, convertibles :). As oppossed to watching the 2 news readers smile and shuffle paper for 30 seconds to that horrific theme tune!
And really finally; it would close with videos that the public have sent in of their own ‘Kids saying the Funniest Things’. Just one joyous uplifting beautifully naïve statement, that can only come from the mind of a child
One real life snippet of this sort that tickled my insides and still makes me smile my ass off now on a near daily basis:
Picture ‘Little James’, just 5 years old, white blonde hair, smile of an angel, a face cuter than a vision of 15 puppies spooning 15 kittens, says
“Mum, when I grow up, how will I know how to get to work”…How bloody sweet 😉
I wonder as I re-read this, what you would all do with the BBC 6am news, given the chance ;//
I would summarise that my suggested changes would increase smiles, and subsequently…endorphins for us all. It would represent real change and inclusion of our wonderous rich mix of unique citizens and their voices. AND NOT pretend inclusion via a teeny ‘Opinion Box’ on the net, where we all get to rant to no-one but each other! My re-vamped 6am slot still comes under the very loose term ‘NEWS’, it just contains some NICE, common yet commonly unseen news.
Maude, and Little James, and the Top Gear Loons, and Carol and Janet, are refreshingly real. In these days of silicon lips, airbrushed thighs and political lies, I think the news needs a little more reality, as it’s become more about representing things in a certain light, and hiding other things, than it has about ever delivering facts!
I summarise summarise ;). Dear Media, pretty please cheer the fooook up and inject some joy, diversity, and truth into our distressed, whiny, misery soaked, risk obsessed…but still wonderous British Butts!