The Hawk Courier!
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the machine that is ‘The Hawk Courier’, it is a highly attractive ‘fold up’ bike from the ‘80’s’. You know the ones with a tiny teeny strange shaped frame (to allow it to fold up like a pushchair!), and wheels with a diameter of around 8 inches. ;0… it had a strangely ‘low-set’ seat. And though it paraded as an adults bike, whether you were 4’9” or 6’3”…when seen riding one, you looked like you’d borrowed it off your 5-year-old 😉
Mum’s particular little beauty was fashioned in a vibrant blue and proudly emblazoned across its main (teeny tiny) middle bar, in gold, was ‘The Hawk Courier’!!
Oh how we chuckled when she folded herself ONTO it each morning to peddle tut work.
My Mountain Bike!
I’m sure you’re all more familiar with this kinda’ bike. Mine was THE TITS! It had wheels that looked like they actually belonged to their structure for a start, plus 21 gears, and a seat that allowed you to actually sit upright whilst riding (as opposed to the ‘folding up’ bodily action induced by ‘The Hawk’)
So anyhoo, back in the day, when I was just a wee 11 year old, me and my big Sister were riding round my Aunties house for a visit. Me on the mountain bike, Trent on Mum’s ‘Hawk’. We got to the top of the long long road and she challenged me to a race ;). I found this suggestion mildly amusing as I glanced over at her vehicle and obviously agreed; also kindly giving her a 5 second head start to make up for her lack of gears and her poor excuse for wheels 😉
Well as soon as she set off I began ‘roaring’. In her matching ‘Puffer Jacket’ and ‘leggings’, she looked like the green hornet with a hunch back, and her legs were flying like the wind as she spun them peddles like her life depended on it; making the most of her 5 second head start. I quickly realised when I started peddling, that I could catch her in around 3 seconds at any point in the race, and as it was a long long long road, I left her up ahead whilst I sailed along, chuckling at the vision that was ‘Trent on The Hawk’…like a wanted rebel dictator, riding for her very freedom!!!!!! :)…
Now before I tell you what happened next, I must tell you that she came out the other side almost completely unscathed considering, and to this day, I randomly chuckle uncontrollably in public, whenever something triggers this truly unforgettable memory!
Her legs were now going so fast the black peddles and her green leggings had merged into a kind of giant (well 8 inch at least ;)) swirling Catherine wheel. I’m not known for correctly guessing the speed of moving vehicles, but I swear she must have been going a least 20-25 mph when SUDDENLY, for a reason that still evades both us, and the makers of the ‘Hawk’…The little bugger decided to FOLD UP mid motion.
I watched in abject horror as the front end swung around at the speed of light (OK 20mph but still, it was fucking fast) to meet the back end, and ‘Trent’ was somehow launched from the seat like a rocket. She flew through the air for what seemed like an eternity, in a forwards (ish) direction, but then she started to verge to the right…I glanced sideways just in time to see the massive white transit van…before the right side of her head bounced off of it, the impact of which then ‘boinged’ her onto the road, front first, where she skidded a good 6 feet before coming to a halt in the middle. She rolled over, her dazzling green leggings were shredded from the thigh to the bottom of the shin and she screamed every profanity known to man at the top of her lungs repeatedly!!!!!
Of all the Jeremy Beadle classic’s of our time, never ever have I laughed sooooooooooooo much at a mini accident!
You cannot scathe me people 😉 , we Brit’s have a sickness for roaring with laughter at the misfortune of others, as do the Jap’s.
Don’t get me wrong, as I dismounted my bike and crawled to the floor in hysterics I felt bad, I felt really bad but I swear it was the first time I had ever been laughing so much, I had no breath left whatsoever for any words. And the fact that I could hear the incessant looped torrent of “Shit, Bastard, Bastard, Fuck, Shit”, told me she was at least conscious, definitely breathing and without spinal injury. My inability to speak the words I so wanted to get out (“Are you OK”) continued unabated.
And then I thought ‘Oh No…Its coming, it bloody is’, so I glanced away from the ‘Gashed Greeny’ in order to stem the flow but it was too late. I’d been laughing too long and too hard for my poor body to sustain the pressure and I pissed myself! ;// Literally!!!
As Trent saw the pool of darkness appearing around my still juddering hysterical body, she also began to roar like a hyena, and we both stood our laughing ass’s up and begun the walk to Auntie Heather’s, with the folded destroyed Hawk, and My in-tact machine ‘in hands’… Blood trailing down ‘Trent’s’ lengthy pins, piddle trailing down mine.
I will never ever forget the indescribable but priceless look on my Aunties face when she opened the door to her two hysterical nieces…
– One shredded, half-naked and bloody, with a large egg-shaped growth on the side of her head, clutching an unrecongnisable piece of blue and gold crushed metal
-The other, bent in half, urine stained, snorting like a deranged pig, and still with a tiny bit of pee trickling down her leg! 🙂