“I couldn’t tell her…I just couldn’t”…!


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Are any of us immune ://??

Sometimes it’s ‘Mum’, often it’s ‘Dad’, or the ‘Nan’ you call ‘Gran’…Sometimes the ‘Vicar’. For her it’s her ‘Best Friend’; his someone is his ‘Big Brother’. Then there are the others to consider…daughters, sisters, lovers, teachers, colleagues, good friends, bad friends…

But I’ve yet to meet one soul who doesn’t have one…

One what?

One person who we can’t tell certain truths to, now matter how bold we become. And we withhold these truths why? Not because they can or would DO anything about our truths, and not because they are actually AFFECTED by them either…Often they don’t even UTTER A WORD when they hear of them via other sources…And it’s also not because they hold any power over the CONSEQUENCES of our (unvoiced) deliverances 😉

It’s because they are the ONE person capable of sending us right back to childhood in a millisecond. More specifically, back to reliving a unique feeling from childhood, a feeling that in adulthood, still remains utterly and entirely unchanged. The triggers, the actions, and the reactions surrounding this feeling, alter as we become ‘Grown Up’s’, but regardless of the passing ‘eras’, regardless of how much we mature; even when we are so old and wise, we KNOW that as independent individuals, we have a fundamental right to make decisions. We STILL avoid it like the plague.

Maybe because the emotions aroused by this act are strong? Feelings are deceivingly pervasive and when you cut all the crap, we simply live every minute, hoping to feel something. We search for the right job, because of the feelings we yearn for from our work. We become who we are because we want to feel a certain way about ourselves; and we say what we say, because we want specific feelings derived from how we interact with others.

Even the successes we experience, that are seemingly driven by determination, strength, ambition, upbringing etc, are actually driven by our desire to ignite particular feelings by doing them. You could argue that EVERYTHING we do as human’s, is actually under-pinned by emotion.

So it’s no surprise that, once we experience a crushingly painful feeling, our sanity walls automatically erect themselves, and we are unable to re-access that experience, unless we leap over the scarily high gates.

Ironically, this agonising experience, this thing we avoid at all costs… is almost ALWAYS delivered in the subtlest and gentlest of manners…

Silence, the slightest shift in tone, an almost invisible purse of the lips, a text left unanswered, an invite forgotten, the smallest reduction of warmth…

But still most of us would rather be punched in the snout, sacked, or evicted than suffer the journey back to that bloody feeling.

It’s because we never want to re-experience the ‘shame filled, crushing painful flood of emotion’… that is sparked ONLY by the deafeningly subtle delivery of disappointment from your ‘someone’…

About Littlebeut333

'Random Spillages from a Reportedly Strange mind’… Hello all :) I’m Dawny, the littlest of the Beuts..and my brain spillage content varies from the profoundly philosophical, to utter bilge ://…Life is my inspiration. I write about friends, love, the soul, society, shrinks, people, labels, home, mothers, perfect moments, dirty politicians, music, pain, beauty, women, religion, god, mental health, the demise of humanity!!! etc…hence the ‘random’. All spilled through the eye of my ‘ever musing, slightly philosophical mind’. Although I write mostly for enjoyment, and to empty my oh so busy head; sharing my snippets appeals to me, and I also love reading the thought trails of others. I would be most chuffed if anyone comes across my page and has a browse (and if you do, thanks in advance). I guess the biggest compliment would be if, for you, my rambles are either :- slightly different from the norm, enjoyable, amusing, unenjoyable, and/or thought/emotion provoking. Whatever them thoughts or emotions might be…The good, the bad, the ugly..and everything in between!! ;)… I accidently fell in love with writing a while ago, and from that time, my inspiration has come solely from lifes varied encounters, feelings, knowledge, memories and thoughts. Welcome to my archives, to some sections of my mind :0 Dawny

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