Dear Ego, come talk to me, of course I agree with you…Love self xxx

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Image by zandwacht via Flickr

I guess the ego wishes for this kind of recognition and understanding,

And even the stupidest of people know that the ego is responsible for most quasi-woes,

But sometimes we’re forced to listen to it anyway because unfortunately, none of us manage to escape its existence within us, and subsequently we’re all plagued by its irritating wails for attention,

Am I selfish for needing someone to see how hard this is for me?

Am I a bad person for wanting someone to just understand why I’m all over the place, verbally, emotionally, cognitively? Does anyone see the cost and also the intention?

Life has a tendency of throwing a collection of dramatic situations at me at once,

This time I am trying to keep safe a collection of seriously fragile hearts and minds,

Hearts of people I love dearly,

And everyday I have to choose to a) remain quiet whilst I listen to things getting worse for them…quiet because I can’t heal in the noise, mine or theirs…

Or b) somehow find the strength to once again mediate, advise, softly guide their minds into tranquillity, and onto the bigger picture, in the sole hope of reducing their pain,

But the strength is coming from an un-known place,

I am finding it where it should not exist, so as soon as I have fixed some more sections of their hearts, I instantly feel another piece of my mind splinter, I weaken, my health is compromised further and the diseased parts manifest themselves in a loss of perception, balance…and eventually reality..

I spill wisdom for the needy and insanity is all that is left for matters of self

I’m worried mostly because I am failing fast, and it seems unfair because I’ve never tried so hard…after all the hours spent day after day meeting their needs, there are not enough hours left to remove the masks of carer and lake placid…let alone enough time to live out the reactions that these situations are producing in me,

Just being me for a while is but a distant memory…

I cannot release the reactions in the way they naturally occur without damage, so when I do release them I inadvertently hurt one of the hearts I’m supposed to keep safe,

When I don’t release them, I’m plagued by the fear of my imminent journey into the bottom of the empty well of strength,

If the bottom comes too soon, I will become a drain on the very hearts I’m responsible for healing, and then all the good will be turned to bad and all the progress will be back tracked by me. The fixer.

Whilst writing this I’ve realised I have the ability to stroke my own ego with my own ego 😉 How marvellous…I don’t actually need affirmation from anyone else, I just need to be honest with myself about how I feel, and to believe that my feelings deserve validation, they may be right or just as likely wrong; but they are real…

 

Dear Ego…

“Oh Dawny, I know how hard this is for you, because I know exactly just how deep inside yourself you’re digging everyday to find the words and the silence and the sanity, I know in full your every intention. I hear your unspoken words and I know the sole reason for your actions is derived from love. I know that your resources are stretched beyond capacity, therefore, I pronounce you officially not guilty for neglecting all the other important people in your life. And it’s no wonder you occasionally feel angry when you ask for something tiny back and you don’t get it. Just share the disappointment with me from now on, because only we know exactly how many hearts you are partly responsible for maintaining, and how this job affects you emotionally. Considering the daily issues you have to contend with regarding regulating your emotions; plus the symptoms of your mood disorder; your countless other mental oddities, and the other difficulties you are forced to deal with in your life; what you are doing at the moment is really kind chook, and exceptionally selfless considering the levels of pain and ill health it’s causing you. Not everyone would make the same sacrifices, faced with these consequences. Your current erratic and slightly socially unacceptable behaviour is more than understandable and simply a symptom of the diseased strength reserves being drained relentlessly. I see you, I see all of it, I know you, I understand you and I’m proud of you”

Love Dawny!! 😉

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About Littlebeut333

'Random Spillages from a Reportedly Strange mind’… Hello all :) I’m Dawny, the littlest of the Beuts..and my brain spillage content varies from the profoundly philosophical, to utter bilge ://…Life is my inspiration. I write about friends, love, the soul, society, shrinks, people, labels, home, mothers, perfect moments, dirty politicians, music, pain, beauty, women, religion, god, mental health, the demise of humanity!!! etc…hence the ‘random’. All spilled through the eye of my ‘ever musing, slightly philosophical mind’. Although I write mostly for enjoyment, and to empty my oh so busy head; sharing my snippets appeals to me, and I also love reading the thought trails of others. I would be most chuffed if anyone comes across my page and has a browse (and if you do, thanks in advance). I guess the biggest compliment would be if, for you, my rambles are either :- slightly different from the norm, enjoyable, amusing, unenjoyable, and/or thought/emotion provoking. Whatever them thoughts or emotions might be…The good, the bad, the ugly..and everything in between!! ;)… I accidently fell in love with writing a while ago, and from that time, my inspiration has come solely from lifes varied encounters, feelings, knowledge, memories and thoughts. Welcome to my archives, to some sections of my mind :0 Dawny

2 responses

  1. 😉 Lol, i’m glad to hear another soul has a needy little beast inside that occassionally needs a stroke! And if life leaves you with no-one sympathetic, we can both go have a chat with ourselves ay? 🙂 Thanks for commenting Cangnaga…Dawny

  2. Lol your words for ‘EGO’ feels like its adressed to me. I am so much like your ego.