Monthly Archives: September 2011

Never under-estimate the Joy that can be found in “Sickness”

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helping sarah

Image by kat st kat via Flickr

Writing this actually proper hurt my brain. I had to think so hard to get this bloody lot out! I can’t bear scrolling down it one more time, so here it comes…

The deeply embedded idea that both science and medicine provide us with solid facts about disease and the physical world, is BULL CRAP!

When push comes to shove, for every truth you buy into, someone else will have been busy dis-believing it and proving it too. Evidence has officially never been so useless…

Or sought after

;///

And we are told to believe experts! Well if they can’t make their bleeding minds up about what causes the a) and what thing solves the b) and where oh where c) really did come from. Why would we believe any of them?

Knowledge is learning everything about something; and knowing that nothing you’re learning is fact, more an insight into someone else’s surety around one ambiguous idea/topic. Read the rest of this entry

‘Cat Love’ = Far more than one might think!! ;)

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A black and white cat.

Image via Wikipedia

Mr Rurch and Mr Shamoneee – The Destroyers…

I have committed myself to loving my two little brother cats (lights of my life); through the deep highs and lows that inevitably come with feline ownership 😉

I feed them everyday, they never ever feed me,

They ‘wipe out’ both small and large expensive items such as cookers (I kid you not), on roughly a weekly basis,

Shamoneeeee has a problem with cling-ons, which needs no more description!!

They ignore me when-ever they want to, Read the rest of this entry

Lil’ Trissus and her ‘Dramatic Entrances’ at Dawnys!

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My dear old sister continues to bring me the deepest belly chuckles in literally, the shittiest of times…

Varying between ‘every few hours’ to ‘every few months’; she arrives at my door in some kinda crisis or another,

Well yesterday was one of them days, and the crisis is shit and sad on a profound level 😦

But her appearance at points is just tooooo funny, so even in the heightened throes of profound pain; we often end up ‘roaring’ through the tears at the ‘state of her’.

Bear in mind she walks past normal people on the way to mine 😉 Read the rest of this entry

Mania Induced ‘Bilge Entry’ !! (Counting plugs for kicks! What a sorry state of affairs! ;))

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An extension lead/multiplug.

Image via Wikipedia

In the grand scale of the age of the universe, electricity is a pretty new thing. As I have just scrabbled around for a free plug socket to charge the lap-a-topa; searching amongst the extension leads, plugged into the extension lead, plugged into the double adapter, plugged into the wall!!!

(Meandering thought, no wonder I go through electrical items like a mo-fo, I think my Dad once told me you weren’t meant to join that many up :/)

Anyhoo, back to the point in hand!

I thought ‘Jesusin Ka Ryst’, I am not a gadget person particularly. I don’t have surround sound and special dvd writers and all that spangly stuff; Read the rest of this entry

I don’t know what to call this…

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Masked.

Image by .Andi. via Flickr

A glass of repetition with some ice please,

A coolant for the burning in my chest,

How many different ways can I say the same thing,

I speak my words, I can’t fathom how you function,

I am sickened by your reactions,

Pained and broken by your words, but mostly, from exposure to your thoughts,

I see inside you when you speak at peak, and the truth has rocked my world,

 

All I asked was be there in the rough times,

You played it really well when they were bumpy but well peppered with divine,

Your soul is well intended but you are blind,

Now I see the you behind the mask.. A mask I knew existed some time ago,

I waited and prepared for the viewing but…

Read the rest of this entry

The Black Rock and The White Hard Place…BPD!

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White&black

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More jolly i’m afraid; from current Mrs Jolly Pants (Moi)…

There is an illness out there called ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ (borderline refers to being on the border of neurosis and psychosis) and the very route of addressing the problems that come with this disorder can only START; AFTER this universally shared trait of the illness is dealt with…

People with BPD; when they feel in danger… with no awareness whatsoever that they are doing it…automatically think the worst first; believe it as truth; and roll with the emotions that ‘the worst’ produces.

An example on a small teeny tiny scale is…I send a text to someone (who I fear may be placing my love for them in danger) and they don’t reply for three hours. My FIRST AUTOMATIC assumption for their silence is either, they hate me, they are dead, they are busy slagging me off, they read my text and thought ‘oh do one you dramatic wench, you irritate me’ etc etc

Now, when you go to therapy, they first tell you that although these assumptions are possible and sometimes correct in life, it is just as possible that they may have had no battery, they fell asleep, they read it when they looked at their phone and text you straight back…

Then you nod and think Bollox 😉 Read the rest of this entry

Oi Mind! You TWAT! What have you done to me?…signed, Your Heart!

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Heart Valve surgery at the Clinical Center

Image by National Institutes of Health Library via Flickr

Dear Mind,

This is your heart here and this correspondance should be digested urgently and then acted upon immediately. You have stitched me right up!! Get a grip! What in gods name have you done? This pain we’re in, well forgive my bluntness but it is entirely your fault! You TWAT!. I repeat…WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?…Well MIND, I am putting my bloody foot down this time. I’m ordering you to have a word with your mouth, open it, and un-say the words. Do what needs to be done to re-attach me to my left valve. You replaced our original left valve with another one, I went through all that trauma that comes with re-adjusting to an alien body. I readjusted… and now you’ve cut me from the bloody source. I’m working overtime with no chance of a replacement lefty; and I’ve been in alot of pain lately as it is. My ability to regulate us is now seriously compromised. This is dangerous and WE are in agony you masochistic freak! Re boot re boot..over and ooooooooooooooot!

Dear Heart,

I have recieved your hostile little memo and to be honest, you’re very self absorbed. Read the rest of this entry

Ponder of the day…(Bilge like/not profound at all)

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An ashtray with a rose, Logo of the World No T...

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As far as I am aware, the ratio of smokers versus non smokers in society, remains pretty steady…

Although there is a stigma attached to us stinky vile tobacco stained beings; although we are segregated from the normal people, like pigs in a plastic barn ;)…Business does not care about the social status of any creatures IF they can make  a profit from them

Which brings me to the question… Read the rest of this entry

Lived, Loved and Lost…

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Broken Heart

Image by hyperion327 via Flickr

Where do I start

What do you do when someone you love has done things to you that have rendered you incapable of trusting them, but you know they have done these things without any malice or awareness, let alone intent?

What do you do when you know they are a wonderful person, but also not the person you thought they were?

What do you do when someone has broken your heart over and over and over, but you know they did none of it intentionally?

What do you do when they can’t see why they have broken you?

What do you do when someone has lied to you, sometimes to protect you and sometimes not, but lied often enough, that you wanna believe their words of grandeur, but you can’t even believe their tiny words anymore? Read the rest of this entry

Ouch!!!!! Ouch!! and Fooooking Ouch Again!!!

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Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart

Image via Wikipedia

OH

MY

GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!

I’m in shock! (and moaning again, which I can only apologise for as it’s becoming a tad incessant on this ere page, but i’m not feeling ever so cheery of late, what with life currently being a complete mo-fo. I blame bloody saturn but that’s a whole nother story!!)

The story goes…I’ve managed to avoid a broken heart for 32 years, 32 sweet sweet years; and fuck me, how how how how how much does this shit hurt?????

The pain is just immense…

I can’t hear anything, I can’t see anything, I can barely feel my skin, I’ve lost my mind, the only way I can explain it is that I have become nothing but a giant failing heart, that has been stampeded by 40,354 buffalo, injected with heartburn and coated in bleach!

What is shocking me most is it’s relentless bloody unending ‘steady as a rock’ level of pain. There are no waves like before, I went under as soon as it happened and I’ve yet to come up for air. Read the rest of this entry