Where do I start
What do you do when someone you love has done things to you that have rendered you incapable of trusting them, but you know they have done these things without any malice or awareness, let alone intent?
What do you do when you know they are a wonderful person, but also not the person you thought they were?
What do you do when someone has broken your heart over and over and over, but you know they did none of it intentionally?
What do you do when they can’t see why they have broken you?
What do you do when someone has lied to you, sometimes to protect you and sometimes not, but lied often enough, that you wanna believe their words of grandeur, but you can’t even believe their tiny words anymore?
What do you do when you wanna fight but you feel insecure, unwanted, fucked over, lied to, let down, deceived, taken for granted, absent from priorities and so unbelievably hurt that you can’t function?
What do you do when you can’t fight because your crying out to be fought for instead? Running is not fighting, all he does is run from my pain.
I love him with my entire being and I have been all that I can be, I have been the best version of myself to date, but I have run out of any more give…and he doesn’t even feel that he should be filling the pot back up. And I do, not with words that may or may not belong in the dodgy bin, but with the right actions..
Apparently this is one of them times when I’m supposed to forgive, but I am entirely fucking unable to, the choice has been taken from my hands. It lies in my heart and my head and I can’t control either…
I know he loves me with his entire being also, and I know he is kind to the very core, but this is now all I know about him; before I thought I knew almost everything
I live in a black and white world and if someone lies, that makes them a liar, because they cannot fit into the white bin where ‘truth only’ lives. So I’ve had to put him in the liar bin…
He has done things to me that I thought were not even possibilities, within his nature, and I just don’t get it. If I got it, I’d maybe have something to work with but we are talking two different languages!
I have no idea if I am mad for giving up, or completely sane!
But I give up, I cannot take any more pain, disappointment, injustices or confusion. I am rung out, spun round, hung out, damp mouldy and cold… and i’m not drying out any time soon.
The only blessing I can find in amongst this gargantuan messy love splodge is this; whatever it may seem like from the outside, I have finally lived through true love and I have stretched every piece of myself to the limits to try to save us. Without malice, pride or vengefulness, and that is real love. So as my broken heart ponders how and where it even begins to heal, at least it will know it did it’s very best this time. As I say goodbye to love, at least I can say I finally received it and delivered it purely,
The only time when true love is not enough is when the pain becomes too much.