The Black Rock and The White Hard Place…BPD!

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More jolly i’m afraid; from current Mrs Jolly Pants (Moi)…

There is an illness out there called ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ (borderline refers to being on the border of neurosis and psychosis) and the very route of addressing the problems that come with this disorder can only START; AFTER this universally shared trait of the illness is dealt with…

People with BPD; when they feel in danger… with no awareness whatsoever that they are doing it…automatically think the worst first; believe it as truth; and roll with the emotions that ‘the worst’ produces.

An example on a small teeny tiny scale is…I send a text to someone (who I fear may be placing my love for them in danger) and they don’t reply for three hours. My FIRST AUTOMATIC assumption for their silence is either, they hate me, they are dead, they are busy slagging me off, they read my text and thought ‘oh do one you dramatic wench, you irritate me’ etc etc

Now, when you go to therapy, they first tell you that although these assumptions are possible and sometimes correct in life, it is just as possible that they may have had no battery, they fell asleep, they read it when they looked at their phone and text you straight back…

Then you nod and think Bollox 😉

Then over the weeks you fill these little forms in day-to-day, when-ever you feel the fear rising…you note

‘what happened’

‘what you thought was going to be the result/reaction’

‘what was the actual result/reaction’

and this shows in BLACK AND WHITE that

a)When in percieved danger (all the bleeding time)… The worst thought is indeed always definitely my/the first thought.

b) Reality is far more 50/50 ish I think?, or 70/30?, or 63/37? Or was it 25/75?…Grey anyway…they are all bloody grey!

Now this is all well and good, and a HUGE step… because you finally see that reality is not all bad!!!!!!!!

Fundamentally crucial for the old journey of enlightenment!!

But you know you now have to find the ‘all elusive grey’ that is ‘real life’…

And as lucifer would have it, intrinsic trait 2 makes that a complete nightmare because

Trait 2 is known as Splitting. People with BPD have an enormous difficulty in processing painful emotions in life. They require clinical explanations for all situations, they must understand the reasons why things happen, so they can place things into the categories of safe and unsafe. They often unknowingly build and reside in a bubble with consistent people, spilt into good OR bad, liars OR truth tellers, kind OR cruel.

This further shelters us to the real world; and deeply reinforces the ‘worst thought’ mo-fo . They grow up splitting ALL things into ONE OR THE OTHER. Everything… Everyone… they (and I and We) literally can’t process or understand inconsistent behaviour past a certain point, (a very tiny point)

SO when the therapist tells you that actually, they are all both kind AND cruel, they are all both good AND bad, both liars AND truth tellers. Gone are the boxes :////

In order to make sense of the newly discovered utter inconsistency (the discovery of the complete UNblack and UNwhite-ness of everything! We HAVE to SPLIT further.

Because we are only left with 1 option at this point; unable to address the splitting and the ‘worst thinking’ together. We have to believe everything until further notice, because disbelieving the good =  back to step 1; and them beliefs were killing me and all the recipients of my thoughts and subsequent feelings.

I realised how destructive the other thinking was, so I had to live on the white side. And ONLY think the best

And now, as I continue to struggle with the grey. I am left a self-elected naïve fool, because I can’t get better without shedding trait 1, and I can’t suffer inconsistencies of a large-scale because I have only just swallowed the box for a possible 90/10. So as soon as someone exposes several lies (‘the dreaded worst’)…, 40/60? 80/20? 99/1? I don’t know how I am supposed to ever know when they are telling the truth!! How do you all know that???????

I don’t know how to tell if they are safe or extremely dangerous. I am unable literally to remove them from the ‘every word is a lie’ black bin. It becomes an intrinsic reaction to that person which cannot be undone.

Am I sick enough to not see that I am back to trait 1 here – No

Do I KNOW that inconsistency in behaviour and trust does not make someone a compulsive liar – YES

Can I stop the IMMENSE heart-stopping pain I feel now I am in fear and unsure – NO

Have I SPLIT another human into 2 separate sections – YES

Do I want to undo it – YES

Do I automatically and without any control, think the worst? (he is lying)? Is the good no longer a possibility in my mind,  but more a dream – YES

Can I live with it for another second – NO

Roll on my evolution for trait 2…

But more to the point…when asked for honesty; roll on some fucking TRUTH tellers in this world. If people laid themselves on the line at the start, half the god damn population wouldn’t be mentally screwed!!!

3 re-reads and I have no idea if this makes any sense because I can barely get my head round the concept myself! plus i’ve smoked a few bifta’s and my concentration is seriously impaired! Does it make any sense anyone?

The End!

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5 responses

  1. P.S to all. They have lovingly and sensitively renamed this condition recently…to ’emotionally unstable personality disorder’

    What a swop!

    Sometimes I find it more comfortable to scream in public ‘I’m incontinent!’ ;0

  2. Ace! again, you have read my mind :). When I realised ‘being defined’ as mentally ill in any way; means you are deemed to have problems with your emotions, thoughts, feelings, behaviour and/or perception…that said to me; then we are either ALL ILL or ALL WELL!! Donks! Human nature IS mental; and thank god we are all marvellously different. Strong and weak, blind and enlightened. Unreasonable and diplomatic; Able and incapable. I despise labels really! but they fascinate the life outa me too…because they’re as crucial as they are utterly useless! Most people see so much of themselves in the 9 official symtoms for BPD, being human they would :). Who decides whats crazy I wonder? and who decides they are sane enough to make that decision? Extremity can’t be objectively pin-pointed can it?!!…Re the triggered memory, that’s a story for me and my hard drive I think…too dark and twisty even for twisty old me…Thanks again for all your words; and for taking the time to share your thoughts…sweet dreams 🙂

  3. Well, I could possibly be going through as many disorders every month as I could read! Now take the case of Self-defeating Personality Disorder. To some extent I was in it for 2 years and perhaps even now. Also I could name many other disorders I possibly might have been into, possibly parts of BPD too. But more often than not, it’s always about self discovery. You love writing and that’s a discovery worth cherishing. And yeah, understanding BPD may require me to go through it. Surely I will love to. Lastly, just out of curiosity, which memory did that story of insane person interviewed trigger you with? Night 🙂

  4. Hey Ace, no i’m not studying psychology; but it interests me. I’m fascinated by your information about an insane person being interviewed, I didn’t know that and the story has just triggered a memory of someone who I think that could/did apply to. 😦 Spooky and very sad! but back to the track; I have this disorder (hate that word!) and also Bi polar disorder. BPD is an extremely difficult thing to explain or understand, so I am not surprised you were confused at points, I soooo appreciate your feedback…I completely agree with you about psychologists, and worse are the psychiatrists…and I believe for most disorders of mind, if the patient has access to a list of symptoms, they know which ones match their insides and which don’t; long before the shrinks. They’ve been arguing over and between my two labels for 8 years, til they finally realised, oh yea, she was right. I have nothing to do with them whenever possible ;), and personally, I have found all coping strategies through practical means (not med’s) and bloody hard work to commit to changing the ‘self’. I believe people are the own experts of themselves above anyone…god i’m manic and rambling! sorry…Thanks again Ace 🙂

  5. Are you studying Psychology? Cause really, I couldn’t concentrate and understand everything. But yes, if we try to figure our human Psyche in words, we will end up picturing everyone as psychopath or with one or other disorder. Have you ever witnessed a session where a Psychiatric is counselling a declared insane person? The insane will never even allow the Psychiatric to gain insight of himself. He will mislead or will not answer at all. I believe the Psychologists have coined so many new terms now that they are fighting with each other concerning the terminology!!! And yeah, I should read more about this BPD now.