More jolly i’m afraid; from current Mrs Jolly Pants (Moi)…
There is an illness out there called ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ (borderline refers to being on the border of neurosis and psychosis) and the very route of addressing the problems that come with this disorder can only START; AFTER this universally shared trait of the illness is dealt with…
People with BPD; when they feel in danger… with no awareness whatsoever that they are doing it…automatically think the worst first; believe it as truth; and roll with the emotions that ‘the worst’ produces.
An example on a small teeny tiny scale is…I send a text to someone (who I fear may be placing my love for them in danger) and they don’t reply for three hours. My FIRST AUTOMATIC assumption for their silence is either, they hate me, they are dead, they are busy slagging me off, they read my text and thought ‘oh do one you dramatic wench, you irritate me’ etc etc
Now, when you go to therapy, they first tell you that although these assumptions are possible and sometimes correct in life, it is just as possible that they may have had no battery, they fell asleep, they read it when they looked at their phone and text you straight back…
Then you nod and think Bollox 😉
Then over the weeks you fill these little forms in day-to-day, when-ever you feel the fear rising…you note
‘what you thought was going to be the result/reaction’
‘what was the actual result/reaction’
and this shows in BLACK AND WHITE that
a)When in percieved danger (all the bleeding time)… The worst thought is indeed always definitely my/the first thought.
b) Reality is far more 50/50 ish I think?, or 70/30?, or 63/37? Or was it 25/75?…Grey anyway…they are all bloody grey!
Now this is all well and good, and a HUGE step… because you finally see that reality is not all bad!!!!!!!!
Fundamentally crucial for the old journey of enlightenment!!
But you know you now have to find the ‘all elusive grey’ that is ‘real life’…
And as lucifer would have it, intrinsic trait 2 makes that a complete nightmare because
Trait 2 is known as Splitting. People with BPD have an enormous difficulty in processing painful emotions in life. They require clinical explanations for all situations, they must understand the reasons why things happen, so they can place things into the categories of safe and unsafe. They often unknowingly build and reside in a bubble with consistent people, spilt into good OR bad, liars OR truth tellers, kind OR cruel.
This further shelters us to the real world; and deeply reinforces the ‘worst thought’ mo-fo . They grow up splitting ALL things into ONE OR THE OTHER. Everything… Everyone… they (and I and We) literally can’t process or understand inconsistent behaviour past a certain point, (a very tiny point)
SO when the therapist tells you that actually, they are all both kind AND cruel, they are all both good AND bad, both liars AND truth tellers. Gone are the boxes :////
In order to make sense of the newly discovered utter inconsistency (the discovery of the complete UNblack and UNwhite-ness of everything! We HAVE to SPLIT further.
Because we are only left with 1 option at this point; unable to address the splitting and the ‘worst thinking’ together. We have to believe everything until further notice, because disbelieving the good = back to step 1; and them beliefs were killing me and all the recipients of my thoughts and subsequent feelings.
I realised how destructive the other thinking was, so I had to live on the white side. And ONLY think the best
And now, as I continue to struggle with the grey. I am left a self-elected naïve fool, because I can’t get better without shedding trait 1, and I can’t suffer inconsistencies of a large-scale because I have only just swallowed the box for a possible 90/10. So as soon as someone exposes several lies (‘the dreaded worst’)…, 40/60? 80/20? 99/1? I don’t know how I am supposed to ever know when they are telling the truth!! How do you all know that???????
I don’t know how to tell if they are safe or extremely dangerous. I am unable literally to remove them from the ‘every word is a lie’ black bin. It becomes an intrinsic reaction to that person which cannot be undone.
Am I sick enough to not see that I am back to trait 1 here – No
Do I KNOW that inconsistency in behaviour and trust does not make someone a compulsive liar – YES
Can I stop the IMMENSE heart-stopping pain I feel now I am in fear and unsure – NO
Have I SPLIT another human into 2 separate sections – YES
Do I want to undo it – YES
Do I automatically and without any control, think the worst? (he is lying)? Is the good no longer a possibility in my mind, but more a dream – YES
Can I live with it for another second – NO
Roll on my evolution for trait 2…
But more to the point…when asked for honesty; roll on some fucking TRUTH tellers in this world. If people laid themselves on the line at the start, half the god damn population wouldn’t be mentally screwed!!!
3 re-reads and I have no idea if this makes any sense because I can barely get my head round the concept myself! plus i’ve smoked a few bifta’s and my concentration is seriously impaired! Does it make any sense anyone?