Never under-estimate the Joy that can be found in “Sickness”

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helping sarah

Image by kat st kat via Flickr

Writing this actually proper hurt my brain. I had to think so hard to get this bloody lot out! I can’t bear scrolling down it one more time, so here it comes…

The deeply embedded idea that both science and medicine provide us with solid facts about disease and the physical world, is BULL CRAP!

When push comes to shove, for every truth you buy into, someone else will have been busy dis-believing it and proving it too. Evidence has officially never been so useless…

Or sought after

;///

And we are told to believe experts! Well if they can’t make their bleeding minds up about what causes the a) and what thing solves the b) and where oh where c) really did come from. Why would we believe any of them?

Knowledge is learning everything about something; and knowing that nothing you’re learning is fact, more an insight into someone else’s surety around one ambiguous idea/topic.

We all know that medics make choices in emergency situations. Choice can only exist if there is ambiguity. And ambiguous statements just ain’t fact, by definition..

Your doctor is still making intelligent and educated guesses about your health, based on a budget!

And science is so stupidly deluded now, it believes we mere mortals are soooo clever; we can somehow by-pass Armageddon! I think there is so much ego and elitism attached to these professions; those working within them can’t easily see past the glory of their current findings and their view/discourse!

Even though all of their previous findings, which were correct at the time, are now proven bilge!

So I guess the only thing we can do is open our minds as far as we possibly can; and try and go figure our own truths, to make sense of our own worlds!

And the big one too!

Take Mania…(the high part of Bi-Polar DISORDER, I hate that WORD!) and ask any doctor or scientist about it; THEY will tell you that I am; at very best, in need of something (help and drugs normally)… and at worst, foooooked!

I said to my shrink one day

“100 years ago, these tablets didn’t exist, therefore I would have been free from ‘policing’ and ‘western poison pill pushing’ and busy living life as fate intended it!”

He retorted in his oh so cute Nigerian Accent, that “100 years ago, someone would have bonked me over de head”

I thought this was a fair point; and thanked my lucky stars that it’s not the year 1911 now!

I was also tickled muchly by his sweet little attempt to get on my wavelength; I manically went and got it printed onto a cup for him, which made his misery soaked NHS riddled soul; a tad brighter for a moment…see I even spread the joy!

Mania ROCKS!!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_bipolar_disorder

Check out all the people on wiki who are immensely gifted and “successful”, and they are just a snippet of the many wonderous people who have achieved so much, maybe only BECAUSE of their apparent “illness”.

Mania does sometimes cause ‘lots of dark and twisty destructive shit’, but as I love arguing with the NHS in general, I’m suggesting medicine is probably wrong again! Shocker ;)…The current me is in the full throes of ‘Mania’ and I believe that people ‘like me’ are given it as a useful gift, I think us ‘Po Bilar’ 🙂 peeps lack something else, so we get Mania to balance the scales!

If my behaviour was re-assessed objectively; would IT be seen by many as a precious gift ???(In-spite of its precarious and dangerous nature), which DOES leads me straight to screwing up; and then I have to again; re-direct my entire grand plan!

But I still choose to place it proudly under the tree every Xmas (all wrapped up with a bow it made earlier).

The current me is in the full throes of ‘Mania’ and I believe that people ‘like me’ are given it as a necessary aid; because without it, maybe our slightly unusual souls would never fully flourish!

Here’s what happens to me when my brain presses my switch :-

I can’t and don’t sleep much, (0-2 hours a night) so I have almost 8 extra hours a day to dedicate to whatever I choose. Delirious and sleep deprived but still, time is precious…

I am entertained and spurred on by the most banal and anal of tasks, which means I am easily occupied,

I am often totally euphoric for no apparent reason, and sometimes against all logic and reason, it’s mind altering effects surge on right through life itself.

I spend all the time I can re-uniting with all my friends; and they fill me up with so much good stuff and I’m very excitable; so seeing them feels like Xmas!

I have ideas that are GRANDIOSE apparently? But with grandiose ideas, comes an overflowing strength and just enough delusion to follow through on them…

While everyone thought Stephen Fry was living in cloud cuckoo land, he was busy plotting an amazing, GRANDIOSE and varied life for himself, a path he dreamt of and MADE real…and let me tell you that I don’t know him, but I’d bet good money, he didn’t build any of that path when he was broken.

I no longer have to dabble in the underground world where dirty drugs live, because I have an inbuilt amphetamine button all of my own, so no ajax for me anymore!

I feel awake and alert ALL the time, although my outer appearance suggests otherwise. My brain forgets that I need sleep literally, unfortunately, my eye bags do not!! 😉

My brain is alive with rivers of thoughts and their related cousins, and whilst I can not concentrate for more than 5 seconds on reality; my capacity to tune into obsessive distractions is immeasurable. So boredom is a killer that also passes my manic ass right on by!

I have never been both Manic and bored…never! Loony yes, bored, No!

I dance soooooooo much more than usual, and I am crap at it but again, I really don’t care! there are bigger fish to be fried to care about the people who care to judge my ‘solid gold moves’…

Without its presence now; had I been ‘normal’ during the last 4 months of my life; I would have buckled long ago with everything that has happened.

Learning how to handle and utilise all the oddness, has been an immensely difficult task,

Which is more than handy because I needed to get some strength in me…for this latest ‘giant bitch slap’ from fate herself (thanks)

There are periods (within the manic episode) when it makes me almost immune to the stuff that crushes my soul normally!

Like a welcomed set of blinkers

It brings about a steady level of strength that exceeds both self belief, and the comprehension of most others who witness it!

I have no inhibitions whatsoever when I’m in the full swing; which is a source of amusement for all who love me and it makes socialising seem and feel normal to me again.

Lorna (my dear old buddy) gets to see my rendition of  ‘Swanny’ the FULL routine; on demand. As well as the speech from a ‘Few Good Men’. I’m very pliable to demands and suggestions which pleases everyone.

When I gig in this state, I kinda feel like I’m on stage at Wembley, when I am in-fact in the back room of ‘The Cock’ shoved behind the pool table singing to three old men; however; the landlord gets a lot of bemusing entertainment between songs, for no extra fee. And we somehow get re-booked too

Which means I get paid and I can buy rings that I know will fit, measuring from 60,000 miles away is doo-able if its wantable!

I measured the circumference of all my fingers with string and a ruler, then painstakingly searched for a selection of ring charts to accertain the maximum and minimum margin of error between all the countries and manufacturers of silver!!

I am a KLOPP on the left hand and a KMPPP on the right, yet more life changing problems resolved!

When I drew around my hand to make my ring referral chart; I remembered doing hand paints at school, I only remember happy school stuff when I’m as high as a kite

The songs I love make me clutch my chest in true 1920’s fashion.

I’m so bloody moved by everything!

I am highly aware that my passions pronounce themselves further, and I am only productive or assertive with my passions when manic (but my passions are all anti-establishment/corruption/exploitation from above, which may well see me in a cell for the night, but I’d sooo get my tuppence in ALL NIGHT long, (no sleepies for Dawny remember, so no sleepies for the policeman on duty either)

I will spend that (inevitable) night requesting stats on how many prosecutions have been made for purchasing stolen cultural goods from all over Asia; significant symbolic cultural treasures from afar, are made into toys for the rich to play with, sold openly in Grandiose!!! Auction Houses

I’ll ask him for the stats on how many boats they have chased per night following the legislation that banned dumping toxic waste in the sea!!

I think i’d be discharged at 3am at the very latest, THEIR tolerance STRETCHED, not mine, cos mania loves everything cheeky, and if it’s naughty too, well I am in my element!

I find an overwhelming sense of joy in my bubble on some manic days ; and I roared FOR HOURS at a pair of shoes yesterday!!

Yet more amusement..

And laughter is the GREATEST drug of them all.

The universe sends me a lot of signs, for guidance…I simply now receive and act upon them like I always used to before medicine wrote them off as IMAGINED; more ignorance and presumed superiority…who cares whether the signs are ACTUAL signs or not, THEY want to call it psychosis! That’s how small their minds are…If it’s not mainstream, WE are mad for considering it!

At worst, it’s no more or less than a ‘harmless habit’ of indulging in a belief that I have chosen!

A system more believable and viable than any of the tripe THEY spill;

Belief in anything is a positive sign isn’t it?? ‘hope’ hangs around with ‘belief’.

I make everyone’s ears bleed with my incessant bilge, but all who hear it love me in-spite of the never-ending clap trap; so even that’s all fluffy and cathartic and safe too.

Everything is brighter, chances and opportunities are bought to my consciousness

My latest idea has been poo pooooed and laughed at by a select few; which is normal and it brings me yet more joy, because mania loves the laughter, I get to experience being entirely infected with the endorphins of 5 people’s laughter, it’s immense!

AND if this latest idea ever comes to fruition, it will only be due to my actions during a manic episode; my ideas are typically unusual; if not always that fabulous!

They bark on about risk and mania relentlessly (OK, they have A point), but we all take enormous risks in life everyday by breathing???

Risk always rises if we are brave/insane enough to chase our dreams, take the plunge, re-mortgage the house, walk down the aisle.

No risk, No reward,

If I get run over by a bus today; cos I didn’t check to see what was coming, (damn concentration) then I will be on my cloud or bonfire; chuffed that I didn’t die sad and eroded inside; in an stinky old people’s home in Devon. Busted up from a stoke; or from the dreaded bitterness that seeps into old people with too much time to dwell; and no knees left to walk the last leg of their life.

Death isn’t scary when I’m manic, it is the same as it always is, coming for us all at some point.

Life’s lessons and reasons are sooooo clear to me; clarity is as visible to me as the bricks and cement is to you. My vocalised sped up spillages confuse everyone, whilst I am actually busy figuring A LOT out!

I am as skinny as a rake, cos mania makes your belly think you’ve eaten. Which means, I have 3 stone to gain before cheese becomes laced with even a trace of guilt. I get to drink yummy ensure plus shakes, which I rate over Valium any day!

I spend money indiscriminately and on impulse, and because of that, I am the proud and comfy owner of a TWISTER CHAIR because I couldn’t resist, and whats a little overdraft in the grand scale of life’s shit and wonder?

I am driven to write and write and write and I bloody love having a good gas to myself and anyone who’ll listen…via the pen,

I don’t care much what anyone thinks, which is a BLESSED break from my other  norms,

I run alot, because walking is difficult to maintain. Now this effect makes me chuckle alot; because when I am sprinting through TK Max (doing an accidental Dom Jolly on my phone), leaping to the changing rooms carrying 16 tops and 14 pairs of jeans. I know from their eyes that I have temporarily morphed into someone who is now OVERTLY crazy!

I kinda like the running, it has made things make sense but I can’t explain why. It feeds the rebel in me I guess, and my love of anything different!

I am also reminded of ‘Anika’s Challenge’ when I zone in and realise i’m sprinting!! and she is a source of smily stuff for even the moodiest of souls. Love or Hate her, she is a chucklesome icon of the 80’s

I shout random sentences out on purpose, just to embarrass all my friends and further entertain my ‘child like’ manic little unrestrained self

Yet more endorphins for meeeeee

I have more rage than ‘Tyson’ for anything ‘unjust and unfair’ …so there is only a small window for me to feel the things I don’t want to feel, the painful feelings that fuel the anger are harder to access;  and I’m not voluntarily digging for the buggers!

A Professor at the UEA once said to a philosophy student I know; If a person studies philosophy for a lifetime, their understanding of the human psyche and of life in general, would still be lesser than anyone who experiences and endures a ‘severe mental illness’! The MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC definition of difference, has pervaded the minds of even the philosophers!

But the bonus here is I also get a sort of honorary PHD in philosophy, whilst managing to be just deluded enough to hold onto hopes and dreams of things that maybe don’t even exist…

Does it matter if they are real, if they provide sparks anyway?

We all need ‘lighting up’ somehow!!

‘Maybe’ becomes intriguing and something to be challenged by Mania

‘Maybe’ stresses me out when i’m more sane

My house is sparkly clean and ultra organised

My life is in order, the papers are filed

I have finally chucked away all my old curtains, but I must admit I have also inadvertently chucked away a good few items I meant to keep. Damn piles all look the same after they reach 5 feet high. (Concentration AGAIN)

My desire to do everything immediately makes me a) enormously productive and b) a useful research tool for pretty much anyone wanting the best or the cheapest anything!

I get to be rude and confrontational; and my poor old embarrassed Mum makes excuses for my lack of manners; whilst I whistle away, revelling in my access to social freedom

It’s the only time when being judged rolls of my back like it does off my Doctors back; and the Scientists backs! Little Genius’s that they are!

I laugh at at least 50% of my own jokes…More endorphins! plus it wipes out the anxiety of the anticipated ‘audience reaction’.

I write songs terribly but with pride; and they are honest and they come from my soul, an entity I like to stay in touch with muchly

If it were not for my impulsivity; I would never have purchased a ukulele just because it looked like a mini guitar; and I was sooooo overwhelmed with it’s cuteness.

And I would have never tried to write a song ever!

I also have a RED trumpet, now how many of you have sourced one of them rare little buggers

I have a ‘Get out of Gaol FREE card’ for being inappropriate!

I see nothing that goes on, but the universe points me to the sites; the beauty of a random word on a wall, or a floating flying carrier bag, or if I need to see 0,1,3 or 2, I see them. I am only partially blind

I don’t care! did I mention that :)! see I am enormously caring by nature and this brings with it, catholic levels of guilt about my inability to be everything I want to be. Mania gives me a break from the confession box.

Children think I am funnier than bloody Disney for some reason, they are totally at peace with my oddness; adults are a bit more twitchy! My nephew tells me that ‘Ice Age’ is only funny when he watches it with crazy aunty Dawny!

This warms my cockles further!

I’m too excited about life’s mahooosive plethora of possibilities; to dwell too long on the past

I get a more balanced view on situations than most, because I run my decisions past a panel of rational people to check I’m not being unreasonable AGAIN

This makes me a bit nicer!

I think, as a concept, Mania gives quite a lot, and takes little in return.

But the threat of it taking everything from me is always there; and must be at least mentioned I suppose (that’s a total of 2 points for medicine now)

Would I swop my supposedly diseased part if I was guaranteed a steadier sense of self, reality, and a lot less emotional pain?..Not in a squillion years!

The longer it continues, the more I will reach for the stars, even if someone tells me the star burnt out 21 million years ago, I’ll still try and get there because how in god’s name can they accurately measure something THAT far away and be sure they know! Its thinking they KNOW that stops the KNOWING

Believe in the impossible, mania does…

I create and bleed honest thoughts, and in doing this, I fix sections of my soul without awareness of the mend.

I cope and cope and cope…

I smile somehow even this time, with a broken confused heart throbbing constantly

I Laugh

I Live

I Love

I am free for a while

And as luck would have it, I am termed a ‘Bi-Polar 1 rapid cycler’, which translates as follows. I am manic for around 8/9 months out of 12 on average.

God I reckon science and medicine will be injecting people with my joy juice soon; just after they have saved the world from a giant covering of 8 mile deep ice, with tin foil and lamps!!!

Soooo??? Do you see it as a blessing; or a curse??

Have ‘Medicine and Science’ embedded themselves into you to? If so you are not alone, it was a cheeky little plan for power and funding. Most of us believe Scientists over Astrologers and Doctors over Chinese herbalists

They have made us their fools…

The Scientists are busy making pretend humans with multi-coloured eyes

The docs are busy tending to the trust fund (Tory styleee)

And we are busy ignoring everyone else who is out there seeking truth for truths sake

Disbelieving the ‘unfunded’ ‘ridiculed’ researchers of the obscure and vast big picture, to me, is insanity!!!

Oh thank christ that thought train has finally ended. My fingertips are actually sore!

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Sometimes, I even breathe in between sentences! ;0

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4 responses

  1. Ingers! How are you luv?, please let me first say that you could never be too forward whatever your feelings on anything I write. I welcome all forms of feedback, especially yours and I’m not surprised to hear that you have/do travel these poles, (see now i’m sorry if that was too forward) but I sense similarities in the souls that bob around within our outpouriings! Loving the Geraldines 🙂 Thankyou muchly again for leaving your fab words in thy world of Dawny. Happy new year…

  2. Dawny, back in the Internetsphere for a while and couldn’t resist revisiting thy world of words.

    Forgive me for being forward, or familiar, or perhaps impertinent, but all you write here makes much sense indeed. Ingrebourne, in his years, has visited similar zones and precincts. So I say to you, stick with yourself, and don’t waver, girl.

    Keep at it kid.

    Ingers.

  3. It’s ok and good that you spilled it out here. After reading you first time, I didn’t need to guess anything different than what happened with you and your emotions. It’s painful to realize that someone you care the most in this whole world has actually toyed with your emotions and feelings, for god knows what reason! The only task remained is to find out why. For me, well, I will not die till I know this ‘why’.
    Even after all this, I never checked myself into any ‘sessions’. I don’t believe in spilling myself in front of someone who hardly ever lived my life. So, there is no way for me to get some certified labels of any maniac orders or disorders as yet. But over time I have changed myself a hell lot, and have worn many personalities and abandoned them too. So you can say I have had ‘multi-personality disorder gift’. And as my comments (I’m glad) are making you try to understand some things more, and making you write about them and making us all read them, it’s not only because my empathy towards you, but also because I’m goddamn trying to figure out something, as are you. wish we succeed! Amen 😉

  4. You wrote a lottt here and yet very precise. Was this all in one sit up? God, I need to be like this to write my thesis report! help………….? haha.
    It was good to read it all and I am not sure on which specific part I should write comment on. So on overall, I resonated with this post much.