However many items come through the letterbox today, they all count as cards, so DO tell your friends you got 2-7 cards. (With today’s junk mail levels, you’re pretty much guaranteed 2, minimum)
DO NOT shave your legs and if possible, you will have abstained from shaving for long enough to tong your leg hairs into beautiful ringlets!
DO eat something enormously calorific, I’m gonna slam an Indian for 2 whole people, right down me.
DO fondly remember all the past Valentines that you spent with your ex’s, with a symbolic flick of the V’s!
DO spend at least £23 on yourself today; because if you were one of the unlucky few that left it until 6pm on the 13th to buy your other half a card, that is how much you would have paid for said card in Clinton’s!!! (Daylight bastard robbery)
Send everyone you love a text, your mum, smelly grand-dads, best friends, your great uncle twice removed if you’re struggling for contacts (they won’t reply cos they are having sex, but you will have to take note of the abundance of love you have in your life)
Know that at least one person is secretly wishing they were with you, tonight, when you are a stuffed and swollen, slightly moody, hairy, self indulgent and generally beastly; AND someone’s biggest fantasy simultaneously. DO Relish in this knowledge…when else can you cash in on this wonder?
If you were attached, and hadn’t had so much as a thank you all year; for being an utterly super duper girlfriend, you would probably wanna shove the rose up your man ass; so DO be grateful for escaping the ABH charge of love 😉
DON’T keep forgetting its Valentines and phoning everyone you know for a chat, I don’t think it’s socially acceptable on February the 14th
DON’T go out on the pull! For some reason, all the single people that frequent public houses and strip clubs every other day of the year, do not on the 14th of Feb. You will be alone, except for a guy with 3 teeth called Reg on a scooter, sporting a QD carrier bag resting against his wooden leg; housing 8 ‘Special Brew’ and a packet of ‘Golden Virginia’. He will nip your ass with his brown stained old fingers, and then call the ‘Valentines Card’ on you, to excuse his vile little invasion around your butt area!
DO phone your favourite maker of your favourite food, and say in a proper Sloane Square accent…
“I have just added boiling water to one of your ‘Hugs In A Mug” and I swallowed, what could only be described as grit, yes I said small pieces of grit.”
PAUSE for long enough
And you will be looking forward to a special delivery of FREE and amazing food that will last far longer than the ‘Tart 4 Two’ on table 10.
From no less than 2 feet away from them, DO shout ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ in the face of the first ‘fitty’ you see; and then run away screaming and giggling like a small child, and DO turn round once to say (with a pretend lisp)…’Chase Me’!
Now DO go go go like the wind, run away and draw £23 buckaroonies out of ze cash point and buy something spangly! 😉