OK, today I had a mind meander onto anger, aggression and the queen of stifled anger, Ms Passivo Agressive-us. Here it is…
I was a rage filled teenager and we could argue all day over why I was angry; but only half of you would agree on these reasons as any sort of explanation
So I will just tell you that I was angry, pretty much all day, every-day, and I am not proud to say that I had many fights when I was young (younger sorry ;))
What is a bit strange is this…Even whilst I was fighting, I hated violence and I hated doing it, in the moment; and for all the damage I did with my feet, I was never able to punch anyone in the face.
Now, just seeing two people fight makes me feel physically sick!
But sometimes, I still do not have control. A few moths back, I was out drinking with my gals on a rare night out, we had just left this cool little pub that has a piano in it, and I busted out a dodgy rendition of ‘Yesterday’ on the untuned keys, we all sang, made a lot of noise, and ohhhhh we laughed and laughed. A bit like a scene from an old London pub from the ‘Hippy-Days’. It was a great night and I certainly wasn’t angry. Drink generally makes me tell people I love them until I fall asleep.
I was walking alongside this couple and they were arguing, and out of no-where, he PUNCHED his girlfriend full on in the FACE. I have never seen owt like it, and the next thing I knew I had mounted his back and I was bitch slapping him on the top of his bald patch! WHAT was I thinking? He had floored his own missus, he was enormous, and there I was swinging off him like a monkey!
I was FINE, and then I was FURIOUS immediately
Can I help this? No.
And on the occasions when I see someone KICK their pet in public, I verbally attack the person with just as my anger in me; as they had in them, when they booted the poor creature. Right or wrong is irrelevant, cos I cannot help doing that either.
As an adult, these 2 happenings (that I know of), create anger in me long before any thoughts have passed through my mind. And my mind is not a slow thinker, so this is a relevant point in an anger muse.
If anyone who knows me had to define me in a phrase they would probably say she is ‘A soft as shit mentalist’. I of course have thousands of faults but essentially I am a good person. I don’t gossip, I don’t take pleasure in other people’s pain. I would never wish to hurt anyone, and that includes ‘any and all non friends to enemies (I’m sure I have some I’m not aware of)’. I try to help people when they need it. I love my family and friends dearly, and though I am passionate about many things. I am not an angry person generally, at all
I’m a lover not a fighter, with a ‘latent fiery side’!
If I went to a protest, I would be the anarchist who handed out cherry bake wells and when the first fight broke out, I’d march over and say “Now come on boys, stop that shit and be nice please”
But I worked fooooooooking hard getting there. Being as I’m a ‘registered mentalist’, I’ve been on every psychological course going. CBT, Marsha’s famous group therapy for BPD, counselling, Po-Bilar (Bi-Polar) intensive therapy, the whole Sha-Bang; and I learnt a great deal which helps me, and the socially unacceptable pieces of myself.
But still, when I am angry I make colossal fuck up’s!
And all the nice things I’ve ever done, seem to be wiped out by my outbursts!
When I sulk through my anger, which I’m now highly skilled at; I’m deemed a mardy wench, or a manipulating bitch; and apparently, my pinched lips are me being ‘Passive Aggressive’. No, you’re wrong, my pinched lips are an outwardly symptom of me managing; NOT swiping you over the head with the Hoover; and then calling you a ‘Wanker’.
So I’ve gone from beating the crap out of people when I’m angry, to not beating the crap out of people, and silently pinching my lips instead. But this is also misconstrued as some kind of re-action to the recipient of my pinched lips. But it is a suppression OF a reaction, IN and TO… ME.
What exactly am I meant to do…Shit it out ;)?
And when I can’t control it any longer, out comes my tongue and I ‘gob off’. And when I really ‘gob off’, some people never come back; and this kills me when I calm down. I have also learnt to say and be truly sorry afterwards; I fight to save things, and I attempt to explain my failure in the situation, and the neurotic non thought process of my anger. But they still cannot seem to separate the ‘irrational mouth of rage’, from the roots of my insides.
Which tells me my mouth must be very cutting and this doesn’t please me, but it also worries me more that I can alienate year’s worth of good, with anger.
We live in a society that suppresses and disapproves of it so intrinsically, yet it’s in every list of emotions ever printed. It exists, and I’ve dedicated years of my life to eradicating it; and its other brothers of Negative-Ville from the land of feelings. 😦
And then there’s still the problem of the dog kicking humans; and the men that smash the shit out of tiny women. I can assure you I have no skills from all the psychologists, on how to control a behaviour that surpasses all THOUGHT. Anger in these circumstances beats the mind to it; and this is the problem. And what if there’s more things I haven’t discovered yet; more things that cause me to swing off the necks of grown men, and slap their bald patches. This is assault! And on the wrong person, it could ruin my entire life with a criminal record. I don’t need any more labels of deviance thanks!
People don’t judge you on how many times you hold your temper, but how many times you lose it, and what you do with it… when you do lose it.
And whatever you do, if you do it in England, you’ll be screwed somehow…
So with that, I’m not going back to the ‘Compost Heap Capital’, as I suggested earlier in the week.
I’m moving to fucking Russia 😉