Get engaged twice but don’t make it down the aisle. Ideally you will call off one wedding; and at the other, you will be stood up at the altar; or just before you get to the altar.
This way, you learn all you need to about rejection, on both sides of the coin…
Find the location of your heart, and purify it as much as possible
Then you are ready for the grand plan.
- WITHOUT A VICAR present, Marry a friend who would never ever wish to sleep with you and vice versa; so, make sure they have the opposite sexuality to you; or ensure you are at least 8 points away from each other, in the league tables
- Make sure this friend is truly spandangly of heart, and you have a marriage made in heaven that will last forever. You get a best friend, who loves you even when you smell; who will love you when your fat and thin, equally. And you can safely love them with no fear of divorce… like ever, plus, you both still have real marriage as an option in your life; for any new finds.
- Then; spare marry someone else who you find sexually attractive and rather wonderful… but is impenetrable. All lonely broken souls, cannot resist the lure of a spare spouse. Be as spare wonderful as you can, to your spare spouse… and you will have 2 marriages that will last forever
- Make sure the spare candidate lives around 500 miles away; so that you can’t get spare sick of each other, even if you tried 😉
- Then , repeat step 3 with a 3rd impenetrable, but marvellous candidate, and compare the heights of hubby 2 and hubby 3. Write down their stats in feet and inches; and then wait.
- Give it a good 5 years and by this point, all 3 spouses will be pretty enamoured with you. This works mostly on the premise of ‘wanting what everyone else has got’. After years of arriving at everyone’s weddings and parties with 3 husbands/wives, all of which are glowing with happiness; people will start to think you are actually some sort of goddess from the planet Venus; or a King from planet Lothario if your male. And not an imperfect human with cellulite, or the male equivalent, a balding head…
- Year 6 – Act. This number holds double magic as it’s the sum of 2 magic 3’s added together.
- If year 6 has passed, don’t worry. You’ll only need to hang around ‘til the next leap year, as these are for leaping
- Get your list out with the heights written on it, decide which one floats your boat the most; (consider bare feet height against heels, and remember to include the ratio of days when you will be shorter and taller in the equation). So thats height – bare feet (heels x 365 – 78) + Scrummyness = Candidate 2 or 3
- Ask one of your spare spouses, if they want to go ‘full-time marriage crazy’
THEY WILL say yes and THEN YOU GET A VICAR, and get unspare married… and you plunge into ‘full on married’ territory
GUIDANCE FOR LIFE – Do not forget to stick to rule 4, and ensure that all 3 hubbies/wives live a reasonable distance away, and/or work offshore; or as a foreign diplomat. Stick to this and you will have; 2 amazing hubbies/wives, and 1 spare amazing hubby/wifey. Plus all the ME time you could ever need.
And,you will also officially be a King/Queen of ‘weird cult shit’ at every family party, ever, ever! Forever
And they all lived happily ever after!