Finally, I cried…Not for me; not for us; but for you…

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End in Tears

I finally cried for you

Don’t misunderstand me; I’ve cried for us before… I cried buckets; and I’ve cried for me…but until that night, I didn’t really see how it was for you.

An innocent song led to a not so innocent song… and it was as though someone had knocked down a gargantuan damn, and the memories of you just drowned me

If I knew where you lived or where you were sleeping right then, I’d have got in the car and knocked your door down, just so I could hold you and tell you how sorry I was

How sorry I am

I didn’t think there were any feelings left. I say your name a lot still, but I had no idea all this weight was hiding inside, along with your name

In my head… I re-played one of the songs I wrote for you and every sweet thing that resides in your soul, came back for me all at once.

When you came into my life, I was broken and I wasn’t ready for you. I was so far off of ready I couldn’t see straight. But I also couldn’t fight it, I was obsessed with you and until a few weeks ago, I’d totally wiped that from my memory.

How, I don’t know

When we ended all those years ago, life was tough and there was no time to grieve, there was only time to recover. I have gotten really good at recovering from love, when I’m not caught off guard

How did I forget how I felt? It wiped me sideways, faster than anyone before or since…

I wasn’t strong enough to not love you; I was only strong enough to fight it off the entire time

We are so similar, and pole opposites in many ways. Yet we are still too similar, society’s rules and gender expectations caused a lot of our friction

So I guess this time, the tears for you came with fresh eyes; I cried for the pain I caused you, all the time. I’m so sorry; and I can’t find a way to tell you how grateful I was for your unending loyalty

I watched a program a few weeks ago; I think the comment set something in motion. A wave of ‘you’ building; little clues being sent my way until you and your beauty were fully in my consciousness. The comment was this: – they defined intimacy as ‘In To Me See’

I couldn’t let you see into me more than anyone. So instead I just showed you the dark blue and the black in my soul. I gave you nothing but icy treatment; and all you gave me was your love. It hurt you so much I drove you crazy

I know you never did those things, not the real you. The same as you know I didn’t do those other things

Those things aren’t us, they weren’t us

I don’t know where you are or if I’ll ever see you again in person… but I hope with all my heart that you are happy; and that you have found someone or something deserving of the abundance of love that you have to give. Love that you tried so hard to give to me

English: picture of brown eyes

Although, in the end…we weren’t right for each other, I’ll never forget or regret us

Even with the consequences…that my treatment has left for me,

I see it all now

I see the magnitude of every event and all the events

And you didn’t deserve a brick wall

But I want you to know; I promise you I tried to knock it down and when I couldn’t do it alone, I got extra help in too, but it wouldn’t budge. I was petrified at the intensity; you lied; I put it up and there was no getting it down

I had no idea how

I hope to god I didn’t take anything from you; that you haven’t been able to recover since

When I stopped crying, this time; I told you while I was lying on the floor, smashed. I told you this even though you couldn’t hear me; I had to get it out along with some of the pain

I love you still; and a part of my heart always will. I love you for everything that you are; good and bad and I love you for loving me with depth and passion; I love you for trying so hard, and for being the most loyal person ever to enter my screwed up soul. I know I love you properly, because when I think of you hurting, it makes me blue. When I think about your beautiful brown eyes filling up with tears, I feel sick. When my memory takes me back to the lines of your perfect face…I want nothing but the best for you, though I can’t do anything to give you the best. I want you to know how much you taught me, how much you enriched my life and how special I think you are. You remain unforgettable

I’m sorry that I wasn’t a good thing in your life, I regret that so much

After these tears; I’ll regret it forever

I hope one day you can forgive me for everything I did wrong; because my apology is from the heart

I see it all now

Finally, I do. I see you D.

All my love…Dawn Xxx

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About Littlebeut333

'Random Spillages from a Reportedly Strange mind’… Hello all :) I’m Dawny, the littlest of the Beuts..and my brain spillage content varies from the profoundly philosophical, to utter bilge ://…Life is my inspiration. I write about friends, love, the soul, society, shrinks, people, labels, home, mothers, perfect moments, dirty politicians, music, pain, beauty, women, religion, god, mental health, the demise of humanity!!! etc…hence the ‘random’. All spilled through the eye of my ‘ever musing, slightly philosophical mind’. Although I write mostly for enjoyment, and to empty my oh so busy head; sharing my snippets appeals to me, and I also love reading the thought trails of others. I would be most chuffed if anyone comes across my page and has a browse (and if you do, thanks in advance). I guess the biggest compliment would be if, for you, my rambles are either :- slightly different from the norm, enjoyable, amusing, unenjoyable, and/or thought/emotion provoking. Whatever them thoughts or emotions might be…The good, the bad, the ugly..and everything in between!! ;)… I accidently fell in love with writing a while ago, and from that time, my inspiration has come solely from lifes varied encounters, feelings, knowledge, memories and thoughts. Welcome to my archives, to some sections of my mind :0 Dawny

4 responses

  1. Ahhh thankyou beautiful pants! I was sobbing when I wrote it and it took about 5 re-reads before I stopped crying, so it was certainly from ze heart. In fact I’ve spent the last few days feeling worse than awful for being such an ice bitch maiden 😦 If only we could turn the clock back, but we can’t, so sorry is all I can be…

  2. Oh My Lord what a clip, how genuine! Well; I wouldn’t write yourself off yet, it may just be that you found it a shite love letter, fault of a poxy writer! Read some others and see if you can find a beat within! I have faith in you boss! 😉