I caved, and swallowed the correct amount of western poison (and I avoided hospital admission for the physical side effects this time) Lucky meeee ;)… I forced kilos of food down my pipe, and I went to sleep like a good girl.
My mind is one happy mind today 🙂 because all this worked, and psychosis has finally buggered off for the foreseeable future.
I know I’ve been gibbering on about this for a while now, and if I’m boring you I apologise, but it helps me to release some of the madness inside. Plus; I feel that posting this stuff might help to shed some light on the awake and living nightmare, that some people are forced to go through.
I also I want to reinforce the fact that all paranoid schizophrenic’s ARE NOT serial killers. I would say it’s far more likely, that the majority of them are petrified, as they believe you are a serial killer
I can’t tell you what a relief it is, to have a semi normal brain back. In the throes of psychosis, every thought that passes through my mind is part of a wider conspiracy, every single one…even the ones that begin innocently, turn into something sooooooo dark; it’s really difficult to cope.
Turned into – The remote control has been stolen by one of the 5 people who have moved in next door, to put me under surveillance; they stole it by getting through the tiny hole in the wall that was made by the ram raiding noise police. At the end of this 2 to 3 second thought track, I was fully convinced and petrified. I opened the cupboard door expecting to see a giant hole. When I saw the hole was still 1cm by 1cm in diameter, the relief was immense.
But it only took another second, for me to realise that ‘they’ have keys to everyone’s houses and that’s how they knicked it. They came into my home whilst I was at work. I thought about getting help until I realised the police, the government and the NHS were all in on it, and laughing at me to boot!
That is just 4 seconds out of my entire day, and these ideas are not possibilities, they are facts. Facts based on knowledge that no-body else understands. It is a lonely place
And every other 4 second slot of my day, is filled with thoughts of other frightening conspiracies, where I am powerless to act
Friday night was when I hit rock bottom, I ran out of strength; I ran out of the ability to rationalise the irrational, and I nearly ran out of hope. I sobbed all night and I prayed to Betty and the Universe for some strength
I awoke Saturday with a far clearer head, and I like to think that Betty and the multiple souls that float around in some other dimension, had something to do with that (Thank-youuuuuuuu Betty and Co’)
Whenever I come out the other side, I have 3 thoughts that I cannot escape from
Firstly, I feel a thick layer of sadness on top of my relief, because I cannot stop thinking about all of the people who are diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenics; my disorders have psychosis as a side dish, but they have this shit to deal with, on a near continuous basis 😦
Second, I feel sooooo light; ‘feather weight’ light! And I can’t help but wonder how my brain manages to keep that busy and heavy, without melting down
Thirdly, I realise that my brain did melt down, and that’s where I’ve been whilst it ‘melted’
But all in all, I am feeling happy. Happy as a ‘pig in shite’ in-fact… and I’m thankful that it only lasted a few weeks, this time.
Please send a prayer or a minute’s worth of kind thoughts…out to everyone who is paranoid to the point of insanity, because they deserve some cumulative strength being sent in their direction. I think the poor souls who deal with this all the time, deserve a medal for the bravery they invisibly exhibit, as they outwardly ‘sanatorium shuffle’, around the streets and halls of our world and it’s hospitals…
(And if you do take a weeee minute to spread some thoughts or prayers, I thank-you muchly, on behalf of all those in need of them)
Semi-sane Dawny is back in town, town, toooow ooooown…(in the tune of the song, this line makes great sense) 😉