I was swathed in more negativity than your average 73-year-old, I can only imagine I must have been a bitter wench in my last life, and I didn’t get a chance to cleanse my self pity regions, before I was re-born again in the 70’s!
I had dreams… but I had no belief, and I was so sad ;(
I had no belief in myself, but worse than that, in the world. It was like having a raging fire in my belly the entire time; but with a (24/7) jet wash directly blasting its centre.
Then I got older and…
(Before I explain this next bit, I am not suggesting I have wanted to die all this time. NOT at all…OK? I’M really NOT)
But…I have always looked forward to 2012 in the Mayan sense. Any Armageddon scenario has perks, as I think there is something enormously relieving about us all going together, and never having to suffer the pain of losing everyone we love, one by one.
….and I don’t wanna live that pain. I didn’t then and I still don’t. It petrifies me and it always will, life is cruel.
Also, Vine says this viewpoint makes me sick, and maybe it does… but hey ho, at least I’m sick and honest 😉
A couple of months ago, I watched a particular episode of Spendaholics which involved a coffin and a lady with as many clothes as me, and it gave me a bizarre insight into my relationship with death (Benjamin Fry is a mildly creepy genius! Nothing less)
Then I watched it the next week, and got another spooky dose of self insight via a chick who shared many of my childhood dreams and she was also lost for a lot of the same reasons as me. And in need of the same thing as me…to fuel her childhood fire
Twas a trippy couple of Tuesday nights, I can tell ya!
Since my fire was extinguished all them years ago, I built some lesser dreams and this whole time I’ve been dutifully plodding towards them, but only because, not aiming for them makes life kinda unthinkable
I can be positive to the point of idealism, but only due to looking forward to the end? A bit strange I know
THEN….This weekend something really special happened to me
It didn’t pop its head into my consciousness until this Saturday.
Not only that, but I had 3 massive epiphany’s about life, and I hate to mention the 3’s (no I don’t actually I love it) but after the mass epiphanies, I REALISED THEY came on the 30th and 31st of the 3rd month in my 33rd year… and there are no days left after these dates, with this many 3’s in, before my year is up!!!
And for the first time in decades and maybe in my adult life, I was all of a sudden petrified of dying, before I got the chance to put my plan into action
I desperately wanted to live, soooooo much more than I was ready (not wanting, but very ready…) to die, even if it meant living through losing everyone I love
My fire is back in my belly and this time, I’ve booted the jet wash out and replaced it with a healthy amount of delusion and ACTION!
1 hour a day minimum will be dedicated, and the rest of the time I’ll go back to lesser but still great, dreams…’cos I’m already mid way through working towards them, plus a gal always needs a plan B!
It’s just now; I have a big shiny shiny shiny plan A toooo 🙂
Step 1 is ¾’s done and I am excited, proper excited in a way that I thought I would never feel again
Bring on Life and Dear Mayans, please kindly be wrong now, Many Thanks