I have a little bit of ‘tude… and a selection of feelings/emotions and reactions, feeding the general mood and conclusions of this spillage!
Pretty sure you won’t make it to the end. Note to self – OH MY GOD I bloody love my pretty page, and an idea for new wallpaper is firmly sorted!
Back to a rather long-winded moan/analysis/poke around/thanks/oh balls/less judgy wudgy hypocrisy, in my CD-rom soul.
All delivered through my strange eyes, stranger life happenings, and the humble yet positively trappy opinions I own as of now
In short, me spilling AGAIN! 🙂
Firstly, as I traipsed onto my page after a short break, I just had to chuckle at the utter mental-ness of my entries of late, which was induced by a number of rather shocking changes to my identity. As one of my dear friends summed up as good reason for my shifting perception – I am maliable. I would have to say on a short note
I utterly agree – Yay me and Fooooook Me sideways simultaneously 😉
I’ve been a trifle busy with a number of appointments, when the Messiah, who is a very naughty boy BTW 😉 gets on a mission, he takes me all sorts a places. I’ve been busy ordering my exits from life, I’ve had a lot to do, I’ve had 24/7 duties as a) A white bird/bunny boiling/fly through the bedroom window at any point, high quality pigeon from the lower echelons of soda-ville. I have had 9-5 duties as a fat white and pink dolphin, responsible for providing cuban tourists with a plethora of quirky little tricks and cuddles adding up to magic (lot of pressure there, and being as I’m a tubby dolphin, who is rather notably lazy and unfit, this job takes it outa me but…
‘Little trojan that I am’, I soldier on 🙂 Oh and David Attenborough himself came to see me for a swim, and I showed him my new swivel move, it’s kinda like being your own roller coaster… and no one eats dolphins at sea, which is yet another added bonus of splaying my soul around, in a marvellous selection of animals
I’ve had cigarette ends posing as people, sorry human-beings, arresting me whilst I was dangerously caught burning a 4cm section of a book!!! 😉 and littering MY stairs with various sparkly marvellous gems, and a selection of other highly dangerous craft items, commonly known as glitter, mini sparkly letters from the alphabet, and 50 bucks worth of printing paper in a selection of thicknesses, and also ranging from glossy to thinner glossy, and right through to that lethal weapon known as linen paper!
Get the cops and soon, that girl tries to sing people out of existence (NO WIPE OUT SUGGESTED OR ACHIEVED) and she does so, with some very controversial sentences in between. To be fair, if my intuition serves me correctly, those other god complex folks from that IMAGINED race we had, deserved far more than a song and a fuck you…
Once again – Great restraint was exercised in times of universal robot blue dog cat merge thingy eugenics dark and twisty shit!
This moral ground trodden by monstrously behaved souls, who actually think my demeanour, attitude and language selection, somehow place me lower than them in any sense of the word
Well; They make me chuckle but not in a soothing way, more choking on the hypocrisy! It’s actually morphed from seriously you lot? To come again? To do one? And right through to…Are you having a fucking laugh? You polite prada dressed piece of pooooopadee poop! I have more humanity, empathy and kindness in my finger nail, than many others in the running. I seriously question how you have managed to stay employed for this long! (waveney ward in particular but let us not forget, the biliously incapable crisis team) OH THE IRONY!!! The job market does baffle me at points!
Now; don’t get me wrong, the mood I was in…I was about as rage filled as I get, and it was probably wise to cart me off in a blue bison/Astra? Mondeo? Until the rage dissipated at least…but I knew my time inside was on the way, which was rather exhausting, my shoes took a fucking hammering which NEVER pleases me! But the rather spangly imprisonment had cordial, 2 flavours no less, and was littered with comfortable cubes (never miss a joy in seeming manure), it was exhausting but also highly productive in context and I think, a noble attempt at trying to save humanity! I ungraciously and of course, foul mouthed-ly, did my best for the poor and the troubled and the exploited little people like myself, and I had a lot to say…Reason being, I was also the Lion Mans Missus, God, Jesus, an Angel, a Twat, Officially insane on every level. I’m not sure I was very in touch with the tiny piece of me, such as my (cough cough) real life PROUD WOMAN self called Dawny, bona-fide Nutter and the most susceptible creature this side of sunday…
Then I left, realised all I needed and will ever need is me, I don’t want that, but wants and needs are different things, and you should probably know that if the entire planet despises me, I don’t give a flying foooook! And that my darlings, is an unchangable fact, and I will tell you now, I do believe I’d go as far as to say ‘I rock’. And I also find myself a rather spandangly human being, no shame, stroking me own ego…
Suck it up cos I’d say with my limited knowledge of you, it sucks to be you right now, and though there is mild suckage in my situation, mainly I just keep finding gems in the manure of life…how are you getting on my lovelies?
Well I hope 🙂
Then I popped back to the utterly outta this odd world section of strange shit…and into another fold of living. Cheers Walshe…your book is literally worth gold, but from my perspective, it is worth solid silver and green berries!
Back to the police chap and chapess – I was extremely rude to them, which was equally very impolite and also justified as I believed at the time…that they were the worlds worst abusers, power crazy evil buggers (judgy wudgy explanation, which was unfortunately difficult to describe in any other way)
AND THEN I was sent to the SHITTEST hospital known to man. I do believe the waveney ward is about as helpful as a chocolate fire guard, in hellish sizeable fires of palatial living rooms. 5 hours I had to wait for the gift of temporary incontinence (fake lorazepam) and their talking to me about manners! Oh not forgetting telling me to constantly calm down
As Izzy might say
I thought, Once again I requested a weeee drop of valium to quell the fury! They smiled a big phat not yet bitch, AGAIN… rather intolerant and inept of them, not to mention utterly fucking useless when you are admitted as a rage filled crazy chick on a melt down. They do love to tell you off if you are anything less than polite, which leaves me wondering how they have the bleeding cheek to claim mental health as any kind of understood forte!
Numpties, bar a selection of gems who are in the caring profession for caring, as opposed to torture, to the rest of you, fucking sign up tut the army will ya… and stop trying to swathe your inhumane cruel ass’s in pretty titles
Oh how I long for the days when people had the balls, spine and just enough warmth to let go of nobility, it is definitely NOTHING but a word for almost every member of the BIG BOYS AND GIRLS. HOWEVER, I must commend and thank from the bottom of my heart my GP, he is my care co-ordinator, he is flexible, kind, he has watched me fight with every piece of me and I would be dead without him. He is understanding and he has been amazing to me, we have built a relationship from rocky beginnings but he has the common sense, the empathy, and the foresight and patience to get to know his individual patients…To grant people with the right to have a say in what SHITE ‘they’ wanna throw down everyones necks. I would be lost without him, and he’s proper posh… which is a joy I have discussed here previously.
That laugh they do and the non movement of their top lip (what an ace programme that was, mix up comedy with any social issues and the world gets educated whilst chuckling their little butts off)
He also has a great ass, and some good pecks for a middle ager, and no, I don’t wish to steal him from his wife but his rear end brings me joy, as does his toffed out gem of a chuckle, and how he has become cutely and awkwardly a little less uncomfortable and much more amazing.
You know it’s never too late when you almost lose all hope, and then somehow, you find some kindness and care! And through the Scottish twat of a judgy wudgy nasty wench, (Fio von bitch I’ll call her for legal reasons) and the army shrink who should have transferred to stitching limbs, cos I reckon he fixed 0.5% of a mind once in 1974, and then floated on his half attempt at a good job ever since. Yet there is the odd one out, who is so damn sweet and caring it makes you wanna cry…
Kindness is so under-rated and so easy to enact, but it seems to be worth nothing to people who are paid a fortune to heal. You don’t have to know someones pain or understand it to know they are in pain. Pains pain, we all feel it, so I’m baffled at the complexity of the training that fails to address ONE FUCKING CHAPTER to a drop of kindness
Again, not rocket science, you’d think common sense… but apparently not
I will be ordering the 2nd cup today for my GP, complete with a little personal touch as a gesture to say, please stay amazing, cos you are my gem on the manure of the mental health crown, and you are fully aware that 95% of the mental health teams are more suitable for tending to the needs of the dead! (Oh another chuckle slips in to my rather unusual understanding of our current identities)
So, to that moment in history, I have to congratulate you (the waveney ward and it’s collective of pretend inmates, not forgetting the highly caring, soooo not into eugenics wank staff, sorry slip of the tongue, I meant bank staff)
So anyway, as expected, Derren Brown erased most of knowing, and left me mildly embarrassed, a little lost, but mostly full of still water and wondering why I ever bother trying to do anything. I had not a drop of gas in me, just a bit old rectangle of solid shock, confusion, sadness and numbness
A mind full of what the fook do I run on now? I felt a bit like one of them cars that paid a small fortune to convert itself into running on rocket fueled rocking horse shit, instead of petrol, and then realised it had lost all its horse power and the CD player with controls on the steering wheel. To be replaced by a poxy cassette player, and no tapes. Polishing it off with Shell doing an on par, highly ethical thing, and removed most of the pumps from the earths fuel houses…Charming and ever so thoughtful, and what is known here on earth as ‘sod’s law’ working its magic like a a … a piglet!
Now onto a little word – Respectable
1st. How anyone has the flaming cheek to judge me when they know absolutely fuck all about how I work, is beyond me…However, to those who judge and know how I work (it’s called being an imperfect human BTW) NORMALLY abnormal…(oh how that word shifts from one ducks back to another, depending on the date). I still don’t give a flying fuckaroonie what you think of me either, yet I care greatly about who I am and how I impact the lives of those I love and I will keep doing everything I can to balance the two…and I am not ashamed of ONE aspect of my rather odd personality, and to any chaps or chapesses out there who dare to decide whether I am even worthy of the title WOMAN, please do express your judgement in writing and then stick the note up your back passage 😉 along with all you other culturally suffocated suppressed, judgy, misinformed, socially controlled, half peaked humans.
I choose the freedom culture
My mouth is fowl by general definition, I personally adore every swear word, FREE SPEECH is a beautiful thing and it comes in all shapes and sizes. I do believe nature gave us a voice box so we could use it for a selection of tasks.
My temper is vile but I think it’s quite obvious now that I tend to succumb to my emotions as and when they surface, and last time I checked, anger and abruptness is only illegal at Apple stores (they have policies and everything on it :))
I love as much of my life as it’s possible to love, and until you’ve swam through 3 years of terror, gained and lost a plethora of identities including your own name, been arrested, cuffed utterly unnecessarily, imprisoned in the waveney ward/modern hell, and still managed to wake up with joy in your heart, strength in your soul and a whole bit fat circle of love juice, amongst a river of absolute ‘Andy Dufrane’ styleeeeeee metaphorical and practical shite
When you have done all that, then pressed re-wind and live the other 32.5 years, with all their trials and tribulations, memories, epic laughter, lots of perfection and epic sadness, and stooooopid loins driven disasters
Then I might give a flying kahooona just enough to even absorb your decisions on what you say I am worth. But you should know I still won’t care, per se…I may take your description of me, and take from it what I choose if you teach me yet another spangly thing, but I can’t stress enough that I won’t be remotely affected, and I also know I have no place judging you…It’s fucking hard sometimes when reality gets filled with dark acts and things I find difficult to understand
Apart from that, I would just let you know that you are wasting your time if you are interested in others more than yourself, cos I have crawled through a fucking ocean of excrement and come out shiny, and only I get to say how fooooking shiny I am, you go have a look at yourself and be somewhere between dark twisty and shiny too… and if you must! BRING on everything you got, I’d rather be left in peace but know that I’m prepped for all, nothing and the everything in between, it’s a tool I use to alleviate the shock of just how dirty life gets under the microscope of ABBA’s cold callers? People? Blue Aliens? Whatever, I’ve never been hot on labels and it’s kinda irrelevant
There are just some people who you can’t change, except in changing almost daily, yet maintaining my solid as a rock, immovable Dawny traits…I do my own changing to try and balance the pain and stress that ebbs from illness and relationships…BUT due to a selection of recent events…
‘I didn’t hear that and I won’t next time, so save your holy breath’
”Thank-you for the ones that give me a little credit for what I am’
‘Fuck You’ in a plethora of accents, and always delivered with a cheeky grin
And a little drop of the Welsh phrase of the moment – Get your own fucking glue! Gets me every time 😉
What I find most hilarious is all the people who may live a million years, will do so without ever knowing what they missed out on, and I would say that against all odds and all measures that makes me a) blessed b) FREEEEEEEEE from the remaining imprisonment of caring about judgements for the WRONG (for me) reasons and the form of my 4 walls c) Possibly someone with the greatest, perfect, joyful beyond anything ever known gift.
And Lordy Lord am I grateful for it
No matter where life plops me, I will make the most of it, I will continue to be the woman I am, and as I said, NO-ONE gets to tell me that I am lesser than any other woman just cos I haven’t shot 3 children out of my vagina, and slept with 2 people tops.
Final Note – Should the worst be true, I feel as sorry for me as I do you. It is too sad to ponder on, it deflates me and poisons my bubble ;( Also, I feel like I wanna shake everyone and ask why why why and how, could you think that any other way is better than the big old love train way…even when the other way destroys at a rate of knots, harms, refuses to address the beauty of the soul, and puts power and objects far past the simplicity of having a word with your wonderful heart. I feel sad that some people may live forever not ever knowing FULLY what love gives. It’s not easy getting there for anyone, for it’s normally our lowest point when we seek a higher saviour, but you know the old saying
‘Nothing good ever comes easy’
Following from that I’d guess
‘Nothing Fucking AMAZING comes any other way, but the hard way!
And that is one of the many reasons why I wouldn’t swop my identity, my brain, my heart, my soul, or anyone of my experiences that has shaped me into becoming someone I AM PROUD of and I am lucky, very lucky, though life prevents me from seeing how rich I am at times, The second I come back to earth, all I wanna do is see all you magic people in my life asap! I know I’m shite at doing visits but as my door is never closed if you call on me, can I/we get over feeling guilty for not getting out more
Phil and Kirsty, 2 of my fav ever posho’s, strike again
Location Location Location
I also adore my hubby, the hubby I would do anything for, and the other hubby I would do anything for, in the hope that he and he doesn’t leave me and break my heart. My amazing friends and family…whatever the Trevor weather, they carry me, medicate me, give me everything I need and sometimes a bit of what I dont! They stick by me, make me laugh sooooooooooo often, and I love being with them. They light me up and I couldn’t imagine my life without them. We have laughed at least 3 lifetimes worth of chuckles in a 3rd of one…and they are funny amazing unique special people, we don’t always understand each other, but we don’t go anywhere when the shit hits the fan…They have been by my side through all this utter madness, and although there is confusion, they have been loyal and accepting and I could never or would not ever imagine my life as anything but empty without them. Being mental causes all sorts of pain and mis-understanding but we don’t give up on each other ever…people never cease to amaze me, and life has this unique way of making all of us so much more than we would be, but as luck would have it, only GARGANTUAN pain, shite and misunderstandings that we get a chance to see what we can be, because growth comes in pain, and joy comes at all other times if you look hard enough. For all these reasons and more, that makes me triple proper lucky. Thank-you to every one of ya, from the bottom of my heart, and know I LOVE YOU soooooooooooooooooooo much, more than a million words, moments or lifetimes could say
Labrador love tooooo, you wont get rid of me easily once I fall in love with you and our interactions
Without them, I would be worse than nothing, I would be misguided and nothing. What is the point of it all, if it becomes about anything that places relationships anywhere less than 1st!
I’m light, heavy, sad, happy, free, released, enlightened, excited, prepared, sad again, but for as short periods as is possible when your brain is broken…and ‘ox tail soup’ strong (Ox tail is secretly the ninja of soups, just a tip) and I’m still richer than half of the world…In love and bucks! and for both I am grateful, but earning the standard disability salary, comes from working the disabled job, it is long, testing beyond the perception of most, our role changes at the drop of a hat, and sometimes I am so busy working as a professional disabled person, I have to sacrifice my entire social life, and suffer the anxiety that comes from exiting life in order to get the job done. All life responsibilities and joy is abandoned, environment trashed, often for weekly hours that would frighten half the population who are not professional loons.
However, If I pop off this crappy coil no further along, as in, the first one to wake up fully, then
a) I hope I was always the last to know and just a blind and sweet moron…and b) Where you decide to place your heart, soul, brain, and experiences is none of my business, I’ll happily assist anyone who needs a hand, but the big picture is far calmer, and I’m certainly not about to dedicate my life spilling what I hold dear, in any other way than MY way ;). That’s my business, and hopefully yours, but if not, I hope you had a nice trip, and please know that I’m literally unbreakable… and when and if I do ever let this get the better of me, I shall simply hop over to switzerland and go with every ounce of my dignity, my humility, my pride, my insides, my heart and every bit of cellulite too. One thing you will never steal from me is my feelings, and what I fear most is having to be so strong that I lose touch with my feelings! NEVER will that happen… and should anyone decide to physically savage me, they will not do so easily
I’m a lover not a fighter, with a latent fiery side and I will defend myself whenever I need to, I will not lay a finger on anyone first, but my 2/3 jab rule now stands at 1, and I’d put a lot of hope into knocking me unconscious with your one jab, if not, the likelihood is, I’ll kick the shit outta ya!
As I said, only if I am provoked and whacked, will I use physical force, but you should know my temper is rather consuming, and my fuse is a little short, at the moment especially… and I have secret thin as glossy paper, yet hardcore STEEL toe caps in every pair of wonderful shoes, courtesy of ze lord’s force (Thank-you cherubim)
Shall we land on PEACE and Fluffy marvellous good old fashioned life with even more love? Some ideas for it
1. Mind your own bastard business and I will mine 😉
And stop trying to violate and destroy everything you either haven’t got, or don’t want
2nd. Try a little tenderness
3rd. If everyone took a look inside their own lives and decisions, and spent less time creating bedlam in order to feel their separated sections ‘come to life’, I’d scream HALLE BASTARD LOOYA, and get full on into ma dolphin role/Lion man’s missus
4th. I wish every one gets the chance and inspiration to actually take a look at why????? and that’s the why of their everything
5th. I dispense this advice/spillage cos I live it, also, it has no bearing on me if you poofoo it as bollox, cos that’s your call and your life
6th. May every person with a different addled, sometimes bonkers brain (such as myself), ONE DAY, be given the gift of care and kindness… and not be automatically seen as everything they are not, understanding should always precede decisions and judgements and if no one is willing to hear peoples truths, as they are, how in god’s name are we gonna be more spandangly as a race, every day?
Finally, how did the whole world get this far stuck up its own ass? All that IQ and look at the dire state of our job, we’re a million miles from providing the basics on our globe. HUMANS…we are donks, but we could all be so much more epically donkish
What a shoddy state of events! If I was GOD I’d be proper bossy, but I’d do a fucking good job! Just so you know 🙂
Jesusin Ka Ryst – What goes on people? What goes on? In my dreams this whole thing is one beautiful tease to the moment where I find out you have been on the pretty page for years, and your just having a bit o fun with me before you deliver me to the place past the dome…
Heaven on Earth
The place where ladies and gentlemen are human beings who a) were not so insular and b) were not so damn sure of what’s right and wrong, by examining the external from the insular pod
Common sense or not? Probably not, I gave up on being understood long ago and please don’t send me over the royal edge by suggesting I’m sub texting my way through life, I didn’t even know what the fucker meant til’ last year. And don’t confuse manipulation with sub text, there is neeeeee link in old autistic pants ‘ere, you either think I’m clever where I’m thick, or you think I’m thick where I’m clever
I’ve just had a chat with my mum and the new pleasure dome I would like to reside in would involve running a reminisce group for our poor biddies, a genius scheme of another wonderful mind, that I learnt about at Uni. It costs about 8 quid to set up the business, plus a few bucks for a bit of dinner making ‘thrown in’ to keep the little swine’s young at heart and feet. I’d take my cats which would make me the mini version of the Lion Man’s missus (AGAIN), then I’d spend an hour with a poor dog with problems, due to that vile phenomena known as pet owners who get kicks from kicking the best things on earth (Massive RARRRRRHHHH). And I would of course arrive fully kitted out in one of my 678 outfits of joy and every colour I can ram in
As James notes, I know an accessory when I see one! Hats, scarves and amazing belts, AND SHOES, transform my mood and this world would be a terrible terrible place if us chicks had our accessories burnt…Not forgetting specs for job interviews, cos you look clever and all professional!
And my friends and family would pop in for a chat whenever they were free, and I’d get to them when I could
Should God be listening, I’d proper appreciate the path to do this please, as my other meandering attempts at building a career and security from being stony broke in a world that trades in bucks only… have gone Pete Tong!
I’m sure we all feel like this, but I really think some tenderness, simplicity and peace are due my way, pretty please! Danke!
And I’m gonna shut up now cos this is longer than any essay I’ve ever written, bloody god job this is not a page of the national curriculum, school would take 2 lifetimes to graduate if I was left in charge of lessons, as you may know, I am long-winded beast, yet if you knew how long the facts/fiction list was, I think I’d be forgiven for my multiple thousand word rants. And succinct teachers would slip in and boot me back to my twister chair, and step in to shorten the 146 year schooling period of the grossly long-winded 😉
I love you world!
And more than that, I love love love every person who I am lucky enough to have in my life, with an extra double dosage. And if any of you are reading this, I’m sorry and gutted every time I inadvertently cause you pain, and please don’t mistake my armour to judgement as me not taking your needs into account, cos I promise you I do intrinsically and constantly, as best I can…because I care about you, I know this a big old mental nightmare and a bit confusing but hey, we’ll get there with some tears, rants, chats, understanding, empathy, ‘cos we LOVE each other.