Monthly Archives: October 2012

Short Number 40 – Are you (having) a Giraffe or WHAT?

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I was thrown backwards in time last week, when my nephew told me all about his sex education class

On Monday, he was exposed to the extraordinary item known as the ‘FEMIDOM!’

Seriously!!! A condom is approx 1-2 inches wide, right?! COMPARE structures!!!!

Seriously??? 😉

How has this gynormous contraption survived several decades of sex ed, and it’s associated consumer market?

(57 words)

Dear Self – Stop Being A ‘Dickhead’…;)

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Dear Self!

“Do you remember that hooo-haaaa this year, when you were a complete dick head?”

Self bows head…’I do’

“And do you know that it was the 5678th time, that you have been caught behaving like a dickhead, by me?”

Self…’I do’

“And do you know that I forgive you, you foolish little numpty? ;)”

Self…’I didn’t, but thanks’

“And do you forgive yourself now too?”

Self…’I do’…’Huge Thanks to you for forgiving me first’

“You’re welcome Dick ed!”

“As are you”

Fabulous little number courtesy of Ms Nash…Love Me, Myself, and I 🙂

What 5 things would you change if you ruled your country?

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1st – I would add 2 hours to the day, giving everyone an extra hour in bed every morning; and an extra hour to relax at night

2nd – I would add an extra day to each week, giving everyone an extra day off a week to vegetate and recuperate

(I can’t be ass’d to do the maths, but a year would take a lot longer to pass by, and this would seriously reduce our life expectancy, pleasing those who can’t wait for the end of their lives, and inspiring those with a zest for life to get on it; with regards to ‘chasing their dreams’)

3rd – I would re-write the Genie in a bottle story, increasing the wishes to 5 instead of the traditional 3

(This means I now have 2 more wishes :))

4th – I would make the following statement a compulsory daily chant, for every one involved in the work of caring for others

“I don’t have to understand or relate to someone’s pain, in order to accept that they are in pain. Therefore, every person I come into contact with is automatically in pain, and a highly effective response to pain is KINDNESS. So I shall be kind to all, before and after I read their notes!” (NOT exactly rocket science, yet highly overlooked)

5th – When the electoral register forms were sent out each year, I would add a compulsory form headed

‘What 5 things would you change if you ruled the country?’

6th – (5 becomes 6 due to the age-old saying ‘plus one for luck’). I would collect a group of clever clever people to read everyone’s 5 things, and ask them to find ways to implement the people’s ideas, whilst still pleasing the greedy capitalist pigs who run the world!! They (the clever people) would present their policy documents to parliament, and the big boys would HAVE to pick ONE every year (by law)…

Happy Days 🙂

What would you do with your 5 (plus 1 for luck?)?

Short (ish) Number 38 – Bullied and Bored!

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Evil Boy asked the Nice Girl what was up?

Nice Girl said “YOU”

Evil Boy smiled and asked Nice Girl if she could be more specific…

Nice Girl said – “You used to scare me, then you terrified me, then I pitied you, then I pitied me, and now you just PISS ME OFF! Go find someone else to bully you tragic little low life, I’m bored!”

Evil didn’t hear anything past ‘you scare me’, ‘cos he was lost in his reflection AGAIN, narcissistic prick!

(81 words)

Too Deep, Too Fast…The Veil is Lifted Too Late…The Past!

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Somehow…Someone has removed the back light from the scenery of that ‘time’

I choke at the thought of cutting you so deep

I wish I’d had the skills to deal with our explosions and your complexity; I wish I’d known then how to care for you in the way you needed and deserved, and to diffuse the sparks that our temperaments often ignited when we collided!

My instant reaction to all this, is one of intense hope and brewing shame

Regret washes through me, yet it doesn’t rinse me as it should, but drowns me instead…by intensifying and lengthening the flashbacks. The editing of our show has been re-worked…new scenes that barely registered now wipe me sideways, the depth of passion and crazy confusion is just so ‘visible’ all of a sudden Read the rest of this entry

You are…

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You are the only one who makes me want to go back in time

You are the one who made our life a fairytale

You are the one I feared losing most

You are the one who came at the worst possible time

You are the one who deserved every single thing I ever gave to anyone else

You are the one I cannot remember without trying to forget how much I loved you Read the rest of this entry

Metaphorical Statements and Literal Uptakes…Oh Chantelle!

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“Mommy, I told Daddy I want to be an astronaut when I grow up, and he said…It’s a pipe dream!”

“Why is it called a pipe dream”?

Mommy was feeling a bit tired and was suffering from a severe case of PMT. Without much thought she said “Because pipes were originally invented to carry shite from one place to another”

“I still don’t get it Mommy”

“Well darling, dreams that are very hard to achieve are called pipe dreams, ‘cos you will have to wiggle and squeeze through 1000’s of miles of life’s poo poo, if you want to make your dream a reality”

An hour later, everything was suspiciously quiet upstairs and Mommy went looking for Chantelle… she wasn’t in the play room or her bedroom, slightly worried, Mommy called out “Chantelle, where are you?” as she opened the bathroom door to the following sight –

A pair of legs protruding just above the toilet seat, wiggling at a rapid rate Read the rest of this entry

Understanding a Hoarders Pain – Sympathy to Empathy

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I recently watched a documentary on some of ‘Britain’s Biggest Hoarders’

Being someone who is ENORMOUSLY affected by my environment, my heart immediately went out to these people, and the horrendous conditions they live in. Most of them have a space that is just wide enough to house them in an office chair, and their belongings are literally stacked wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Most had rat infestations and dead insects carpeting the floors

As the program unfolded, I was really trying to understand their problem, and the reasons why their possessions drove them to live in such a shocking environment. As the ‘helpers’ came to sort out the ‘gold from the shite’… I could see the anxiety leaking from every pore of each hoarder, their distress was palpable. Read the rest of this entry

A Big Old Phat Thank-You is in Order! :)

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After scouring Word-Press for the last gazillion hours, I stumbled upon some amazing insights into self-esteem and how to achieve it the wise way; as well as many tips and ways to cope with life’s adversity, in positive ways

As a student of society, I still remain baffled by so much regarding the science of people’s minds. For every process that I understand on a deeper level, I am met with another that I had no idea existed. Life, and everything in it, is complex, and only partially understood. Living life and ‘getting through it’ requires constant analysis; and the perspectives and knowledge of just one other person, can reveal bucket loads about how different people think, and explanations of how they come to the conclusions they reach.

All of our experiences, merge together from the year dot. And as new one’s are added to our personal pots, our perspectives often change as life is seen through different lenses

I learnt a lot last night about self-awareness, growth, difference, weakness, vulnerability, honesty, social norms, culture, illness and lastly, but most importantly, I learnt a great deal more about the power of the mind Read the rest of this entry

Fishing for Faith…Found or Taught? Defines how deep you get Caught!

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I may be wrong here but I’m gonna spout my opinion anyway :)… I think the way somebody finds faith in God (through teaching versus experience) makes a great difference in how much that faith impacts the life of the person who believes

I grew up being told that God exists, I went to church from age 5 ’til I was 13, and I can honestly say that it had little to no impact upon my belief system. I left the community with a ‘maybe he exists and maybe he doesn’t’ attitude.

I tried to read the bible and a couple of other books about God, and I never got further than the first couple of pages as they all had the same tone…’Worship me, I rock, there is no-one better than me, no-one else deserves your adoration more than me etc etc. Then within 4 pages I’d read some (unloving) comment about homosexuality or women, that began to heat my blood up… and the book got closed

Thanks to Neale Donald Walsh, the author of the ‘Conversations with God’ trilogy, I was finally able to read about God in a simplistic way that fitted with my previous beliefs; Because Book 1 is essentially a book about a ‘belief in love’…

You can’t really deny love exists (everywhere), unless you’re totally out of touch with reality. Read the rest of this entry

Short Number 37 – When ‘Mensa’ take the Piss! ;)

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Logic Puzzle

Answer the following Questions…

What caused the event?

Who was involved?

What did Henry do to influence the process?

What was the main lesson, out of the 4 lessons?

Why did it happen?

Clues

A man in a red coat likes boats

Valerie was a radical lefty

(47 words)

Short Number 36 – When you should definitely ‘Sleep On It’

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When you decide to…

Elope

Challenge a ‘black belt’ to a public scrap

Start a riot

Get divorced

Get pregnant

Vote Conservative

Try to fly using your bingo wings

Quit your job

Rob a bank

Emigrate

Tell your boss you’re in love with them

Befriend a politician

Streak through your neighbourhood

Join the Mafia

(52 words)

Kids Say The Funniest Things…

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Overall, no matter how many adult comedians tickle me pink, I still think that kids say the funniest things…Their utter naivety, coupled with their unique ways of looking at the world, often cause me to cry with laughter at some of their comments…

I am writing this because I just remembered a funny incident with one of my 3 magic, and very funny nephews

I was going over to Germany to stay with my brother, and Thomas (my nephew) kindly agreed to let me sleep in his room

When I got there, he told me to go and look in the bedroom, as he’d left something in there for me…and there was a note on the floor (which I’ve just fished out from my ‘memories box’ for accuracy)

It read..

For Da Dawl

Dawn

Please turn ober

(I turned it over and it said)

You have boobies

Have a nice time in my room 🙂 Read the rest of this entry

Addictive Genes and Sad Souls…Do We Inherit Sadness?

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I was 6 or 7 years old when my first addiction began, I used to get £1 for dinner money, and everyday my Mum would see me over the main road and wave goodbye; off I would trot to meet the two friends who I walked to school with.

The gap between her wave goodbye, and the knock on my friends front door, was the best part of my day

I remember the feeling of excitement as I rushed to the shop at the bottom of our estate, where I would buy 10 packets of ‘Cheesies’ and 10 packets of ‘Meanies’ (small bags of 5p crisps)

I don’t know how I knew that it needed to be a secret, but I knew it alright; I knew it intrinsically. So; I would eat ALL 20 packets in rapid time, and by the time I reached my friend’s house, I had consumed them all, and my secret was safe

By lunchtime, I was starving, every single day… and I knew that if I could stop buying the crisps, I’d be able to eat lunch with my friends. I regretted it everyday, whilst I watched everyone eating their lunch; but I didn’t stop…because I couldn’t stop, Read the rest of this entry

Dear Church, I’ve sent you a little letter this week…Love God!

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Whilst browsing WordPress today, I came across this great entry…

Courtesy of – muchmorethannear.wordpress.com

One part in particular (shown below in pink) caught my eye, so I’ve decided to join the gang of authors, with my own version of –

‘Gods latest letter to the church’

“I wonder what God might write in a letter to our church today? I recently asked our leadership team to prayerfully write such a letter and to pass them on to me without talking about their content with each other. My hope is that although they will inevitably reflect their human authors, their personalities and interests, that as I read them alongside each clear patterns might emerge as the Spirit speaks. I am a firm believer that all believers have access to God through the Spirit, and so I extend this challenge to you too.”

Click here to read the full article –

http://muchmorethannear.wordpress.com/2012/10/03/dear/

If you decide to do the same, pretty please direct me to your own letter’s, as I’d love to read them.

OK…Here goes my little love note

Dear sweet children of mine,

I am writing you this letter for many reasons, but I’ll start with my main point, which is of course…To tell you how much I love you

The title and shape of the church you stand in, makes no difference to our friendship. A church can be any place at all if you just call it a church. A field, a kitchen, a cathedral or a mosque. If you truly trust in me and my copious amounts of love, you will hopefully understand this point. Read the rest of this entry

Short Number 35 – The Application Form Trumps Again!

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Dear Application form,

I dislike you greatly! I am far superior to you in terms of appearance and organisation, yet you continue to trump me – With your teeny tiny boxes and irrelevant questions

Finally, you use me to make yourself more attractive, and I get none of the credit

Yours Truly

The CV

(53 words)