Metaphorical Statements and Literal Uptakes…Oh Chantelle!


“Mommy, I told Daddy I want to be an astronaut when I grow up, and he said…It’s a pipe dream!”

“Why is it called a pipe dream”?

Mommy was feeling a bit tired and was suffering from a severe case of PMT. Without much thought she said “Because pipes were originally invented to carry shite from one place to another”

“I still don’t get it Mommy”

“Well darling, dreams that are very hard to achieve are called pipe dreams, ‘cos you will have to wiggle and squeeze through 1000’s of miles of life’s poo poo, if you want to make your dream a reality”

An hour later, everything was suspiciously quiet upstairs and Mommy went looking for Chantelle… she wasn’t in the play room or her bedroom, slightly worried, Mommy called out “Chantelle, where are you?” as she opened the bathroom door to the following sight –

A pair of legs protruding just above the toilet seat, wiggling at a rapid rate

In a panic (coupled with a flashback to Trainspotting) Mommy grabbed her daughters ankles and pulled them upwards, until her top half re-appeared from the depths of the toilet bowl. She was dripping wet, gasping for breath, and her entire head and face was smeared in poop!

“What on earth were you doing with your head down the toilet Chantelle?”

“Well, Mrs Crawford said at school that we should chase our dreams one step at a time, and you told me that I had to go through 1000’s of poo poo filled miles to be an astronaut, so I thought I should start now, because and and because…well…Mr Higgins said that other planets are millions of miles away Mommy, not thousands, but millions! I counted my steps up to the bathroom and I only did 28, so it’s gonna take me a long long time to get all the way up to space…and… and er, you said the steps don’t count unless I’m walking in a pipe with poo on me”

Mommy was temporarily muted as she processed the sight of her daughter and the detailed run down of her reasoning

Chantelle continued…

“And I’m sad now cos I couldn’t get my legs down the toilet and into the pipe like you said, so I haven’t even done one step yet! My hair smells disgusting too Mommy, this astronaut stuff is really hard”

The next day Chantelle went to school, and Daddy picked her up and took her to McDonald’s for tea, she came home and told her Mommy she had a new dream

“What’s that Darling?”

“I want to be an unemployeder when I grow up”

Smiling, Mommy asked…“Why’s that Darling”

“Because Daddy said that everyone who was in McDonald’s today was unemployed, and that they had nothing better to do at 3.30 pm everyday, so they go to McDonald’s to eat cheap stuff and…and…well, er

they must have chased their pipe dreams really well Mommy, because they were all really young unemployeder’s”

“Oh and I asked this one boy who was sat next to us if he was an unemployed? And I asked him how long he had taken to get that job after he left school? And I asked him how many pooey pipes did he swim down, to get a job as an unemployeder?”

“And what did he say Darling”

“He said he didn’t have to swim anywhere or do anything, and he got to be an unemployed the very 1st day after he left school and…and

“You always say to your friends on the phone, that you need a cheap night out, and Daddy said that unemployders eat cheap EVERYDAY. So; I decided I wanna be an unemployed instead of an astronaut, when I grow up”

“Oh Mommy, just one more thing, what is a unemployeder?”

2 responses »

  1. Hey Teecee counsel, I love your blog btw, much wisdom in there, and thanks for your comment, it made me chuckle! I’ve been thinking a lot this week about metaphorical statements and a childs view on them and I’ve laughed a lot. Chantelle is a little trier and comes from a generation who are taught to chase their dreams. I’m sure her career choice will change as frequently as her thoughts do. I’m placing a bet on her becoming the president in 10 years or so…Dawny 🙂

  2. Oh Chantelle!
    How complicated these metaphorical statements can make a child’s thoughts when they are taken literaly. Much more questions and thoughts will still come after the unemployder one. But what could be worse than sticking a head in a pooey pipe? Chantelle is ambitious enough to do anything, good eyes must keep watch…!

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