Somehow…Someone has removed the back light from the scenery of that ‘time’
I choke at the thought of cutting you so deep
I wish I’d had the skills to deal with our explosions and your complexity; I wish I’d known then how to care for you in the way you needed and deserved, and to diffuse the sparks that our temperaments often ignited when we collided!
My instant reaction to all this, is one of intense hope and brewing shame
Regret washes through me, yet it doesn’t rinse me as it should, but drowns me instead…by intensifying and lengthening the flashbacks. The editing of our show has been re-worked…new scenes that barely registered now wipe me sideways, the depth of passion and crazy confusion is just so ‘visible’ all of a sudden
I guess my wall did too good a job at being itself; too high to see over, too dense to see through
The love I have for you… Hopes that you have met someone as loving as you, my heart wishes so much that you are happy. I imagine you conquering the world, slowly but surely…Not in a dramatic news worthy fashion, but in your unique and penetrating way, that way which makes you so unforgettable
I can see your magical smile as clear as day, and I imagine you waving goodbye to some new friends you’ve made on your travels…leaving a slice of your sunshine, that stays with every soul who crosses your path, as natural as the leaves on the trees, is your way
The love I have for you does more than hope though – it recoils and tries to shut down, my heart cannot with stand another shattering, so instead, it becomes heavy and full of sorrow as a method of semi-preservation. It hurts to think of you in love with someone else, even after all this time
But, I rationalise the pain by telling myself that people come to us in the right order, therefore making sense of the fact that ‘we never made it’. Yet, I know there is no sense in love, so the rational is a poor shabby tablecloth that does little to stem the puncture in my heart
It wouldn’t hurt so bad, had I not changed so much since we parted. I wanna go back and scream at me then, scream out to the wisdom and the calm that I now possess; but now is no good ‘cos now isn’t then
I will let go of you soon…I have to because I love you too much to risk ever damaging you again, there is so much I want to say to you…BUT… To be twice toxic to you, is so unthinkable, I couldn’t even risk saying hello
But as I try to say goodbye, I realise I need some more time – The memories of you now exist without a wall in front of them, illuminating your amazing nature, your heart, your soul, your presence and your love…To see you in technicolour at last, is the price my heart must pay for its immaturity and its diseased tissue
You are difficult to release from my thoughts; impossible to forget, and I know I will never regret us for as long as I live. Being loved by you was like living through an era of magic and mystery, you are one of life’s rare gifts…Our love was simply too intense for me to drop the defenses and feel it at its natural strength, I was consumed by it, and by the fear
What a fool!
I know you will go on to have the greatest life, full of more crazy adventures, exotic locations and plenty of sunshine. Surrounded by great friends, making the most of it all and experiencing everything life has to offer…
I’ve typed Goodbye and deleted it umpteenth times, it feels wrong somehow
Maybe I’ll see you one day in some far away land ay?