I was talking to a friend last week about ‘morning stress’…
We covered the common pitfalls, such as :-
– Sleeping through the alarm clock
– Falling back to sleep and dreaming that you are getting ready for work
– Scraping the ice off of the car windscreen for 20 minutes
– Going to work with blobs of toothpaste all over your shirt
– Forgetting the important meeting on the day you look like shit on a stick
But this little story surely trumps them all when it comes to –
The worst morning surprise ever!!!
I was working as a waitress (in a cocktail bar, when I met you)…Sorry, sidelined to the song there
Anyhoo…I had 20 minutes ’til I had to leave and I was watching a bit of morning TV and smoking a fag. To paint the scene properly, I’ll tell you that I live in a very small flat and from my spot on the sofa, I can see the hallway and the kitchen. My two cats were beating each other up in the hallway (nothing new there) and after a few stationary swipes, the running after each other began again in earnest, and they came tearing through the lounge and into the kitchen at around 50mph…(I kid you not, they sound like buffalo charging when they’re in full speed mode, and I think they come from a long line of Cheetah’s, as opposed to your standard moggy’s!)
Mr Shamone was hot on the trail of Mr Rurch and they leapt up onto the cooker top, then up another level to the top of the microwave, which was on a wall bracket directly above the cooker. From there, they leapt to the right, onto the top of the kitchen wall units, and swiped the shit out of each other when they reached the far wall and therefore…ran out of space to chase
After said swiping had ended, they began the (speedy) journey back along the units, and they both leapt off of the top of the microwave, down onto the top of the cooker and back to the floor
Due to their bloody enormous weight (they are both the size of your average Staffordshire bull terrier, except they have cat sized pin heads)… one of them dislodged the microwave from the wall brackets, and from my spot on the sofa I watched the destruction derby unfold, frozen in what felt like slow motion…
I heard an almighty crash. I swear I have never heard anything so loud in all my days, and I looked up to witness the following :-
The microwave came crashing down on top of the GLASS cooker lid, which shattered into a thousand teeny tiny pieces, the microwave then toppled down further, and slammed into the grill door, denting it in about 4 cms. Due to it being plugged in, it carried on tumbling down until the wire had bungee jumped to its full length. Well; the tension then ‘hit’, and this caused it to start swinging in and out; one of the inwards crashes veered ‘right’, slamming it into the cupboard door of the lower kitchen unit!
The microwave door then also shattered into a thousand pieces, and it carried on swinging back and forth into the wooden door, until that cracked right down the middle! There was also severe caving to the right side of the microwave
This whole thing took about 20 seconds to unfold
And my mouth was literally hanging open in shock!
I was frozen for another good minute before I hollered
“You little shits” into the direction of the bedroom, where both of them were hiding under the bed, fully aware that the booming selection of extremely loud crashes, were indeed caused by their innocent little ‘morning run around’
The glass shards covered the entire kitchen floor, as well as half of the living room carpet…The residual swinging of the plugged in microwave, made a few more DOOOFS into the cooker and the mullered wooden door, before it finally came to a standstill!!!
It took me the full 20 minutes (and then some) to sweep up the million chunks of safety glass, which I had no choice but to clear up completely before I left, in order to protect their pads from being slashed. Just as I was sweeping up the final pieces, I looked up to see both of them peeping at me from under the bed, checking to see if they were forgiven. Which they were not…They took one look at my face and scuttled back under the bed. If looks could kill 😉
The Little Swines!
I hollered some profanity or other in their direction, and ran out the door – Late for work; highly ‘miffed’ and still shocked at the epic volume of the disaster !
When I got to work I told my boss the story and to this day, I’m sure he thought it was a rather elaborate excuse for being fifteen minutes late!
All I can say is
‘Thank the Lord for contents insurance’…
I had to tell them that I’d dislodged the microwave whilst removing some peas from its innards. Because ironically (and wisely), pets of destruction are not covered under the policy rules