Self preservation really is an inbuilt instinct after all…
It’s wasn’t until poor Sarah was out of the metaphorical fire, that she began to see more than just the tip of the dagger, just past the end of her nose.
6 months later, she had side swiped all the weapons and embraced the ‘fluffy-ness of life’ with all of her might; and as expected by those who knew her better than she knew herself, she was 110 percent ready for her 1st presentation
She could see by the look in her God Mothers eyes that she had disappointed her again, but she couldn’t let the pain of that knowledge overcome her willingness to talk to them
She had promised, and she felt that it was the least she should do
Just before she began her address to the many nervous sets of eyes in the dusty old room, she looked once more at her God Mother, Olivia. Sweet caring Olivia…The feeling of guilt and the reflection of her shame protruded once more; then slipped away as though they had never arrived, to be replaced by joy, so quickly that the feeling felt like an intrusion. A welcome intrusion at that, because it was the feeling she associated with rebellion. Be it the harmless sort, right through to, the utterly potent type
No-one was more shocked by this transformation of feelings, than Sarah herself.
All morning she’d been wondering where God was…She knew he’d be there for moral support, as they’d previously discussed the importance of the event. But all morning, she hadn’t quite been able to distinguish his particular message of good fortune, from in amongst the mob of well wishers
The naked eye and the general problems surrounding the senses, muddied the separation of things, which irked her. Especially today
‘Seeing’ (forgive the pun, which is later explained) ‘them’ all there, glowing with pride and warmth, she decided that for at least that Monday, there were more perks than cons to having Jesus as a (secret step) brother.
When God played with her humourous side; in those blessed moments where he talked and she fell about laughing, well; they were her most treasured moments with her step-father, the moments most etched onto her memory banks as pure joy. When he was present at any one of her ‘talks’, their bond was strengthened. He supported all of her endeavours, just as strongly as he had when she was 11 years old.
1983 was the year when Sarah found out that her new ‘live-in’ father was God. Literally, religiously and by actual marriage to her (nightmare) of a mother
She began to address the crowd after shooting Olivia a last second ‘Sorry I’m such a fuck up and thanks for loving me through all the crap’ big smile
“Good Morning Everyone. My name is Sarah. I’m a drug addict with an enduring mental health problem and I’m here today to tell you part of my story. And my O my people… what a remarkable little story it is.
The year was 2005 and Crack was my drug of choice…”