In the quest to cheer the fooook up before I keel over….I have, on numerous occasions, written lists of all my blessings and I have to say; I’m lucky to have a pretty long list. However, I don’t think a name/one word summary does many favours to covey the richness and depth of goodness, that some of the people and things on my list, bring to my life.
The trouble with lists :- When I read the list back to myself, I can’t help but feel like, the act of ‘blessing the blessings’ (giving them the level of appreciation they deserve and hold), gets minimized and becomes almost mechanical. FEELING gratitude rather than NOTING gratitude, make for 2 very different states of mind
Sooooo, ramble ramble, the long and short of it is – I am going to try to capture the essence of the people and circumstances on my list, one at a time…I am going to savour slowly, all that I have, by really digging down into each separate person or place, noting their qualities, our experiences, our memories, and anything else that I associate with the people on my list
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What I never talk straight about
Basically, my mental health has deteriorated to the point of complete ‘stoppage’ in all areas of my life. I’ve been living in my arm-chair for as long back as I can remember
Most days, I can’t even summon the will to bathe and brush my teeth
Sooooo…I’ve been fighting against the tide of my mental illnesses for nearly ten years and I’ve finally given up
Literally, physically, and psychologically…I’m fucked, tired, confused, astounded, grateful, defensive, paranoid, scared and my heart hurts
But this giving up thing only feels bad when I have an idea or a longing for something in my future, then I remind myself…’Dawn, you’ve given up, stop thinking about all that crap’ Read the rest of this entry
To my darling daughter… the light of my life and my reason for living! Time has dragged so slowly since I wrote to you last month, I’ve been counting down the days til I could again. I really hope school is still being good to you 🙂 You told me a little bit about your friend Alice in your last letter, she sounds like a great friend! I’d love to hear about your other friends when you next write to me.
So… has school taught you anything yet that really impressed you? God! As usual, I wanna ask you so much, but also tell you so much…
I want you to know that you can ask or tell me anything, absolutely anything. I’m not only your birth mother, I’m your best friend too. If you can’t go to your parents about something, no matter how wrong or scary or private it feels, you can tell me. I am impossible to shock so when I say anything, I really mean anything 🙂
Anyways, my little spring chicken, guess what!! ?? Thanks to your parents ongoing kindness, we get to see each other in less than 4 months! A whole day together baby, I’m soooooo looking forward to it. What do you want to do? Where shall we go? I can’t believe your back in my life!!! I feel so blessed and I’m eternally grateful to your parents for this chance to get to know you…my darling daughter
I’ve been thinking like a wild thing about this months topic! I always start by asking myself ‘What do I want my baby girl to know and be?’ After sifting through boys, motherhood, hugs, racism and a ton of other topics, I finally landed on respect. I can only hope that I explain it in a way that makes sense Read the rest of this entry