What I never talk straight about
Basically, my mental health has deteriorated to the point of complete ‘stoppage’ in all areas of my life. I’ve been living in my arm-chair for as long back as I can remember
Most days, I can’t even summon the will to bathe and brush my teeth
Sooooo…I’ve been fighting against the tide of my mental illnesses for nearly ten years and I’ve finally given up
Literally, physically, and psychologically…I’m fucked, tired, confused, astounded, grateful, defensive, paranoid, scared and my heart hurts
But this giving up thing only feels bad when I have an idea or a longing for something in my future, then I remind myself…’Dawn, you’ve given up, stop thinking about all that crap’
I can feel one half of me dying to wrestle her way into the world, the same half constantly trying to make me make ‘goals’
Truth is…I don’t have goals, I just bumble along and that is about all there is to say about that
I only feel shit when I judge myself and my life through the lenses of a society who stigmatize and mistreat the mentally ill
When I look at the consequences of ‘giving up’…They all point to the same truth. For me personally, I have been freed from it all. I fully expect this depression to turn into something scarier soon, and the half of me that has these exuberant and exciting thoughts about my future, is on high alert because of past trips to ‘crazy town’… this half is worried for my health. The other half doesn’t give a shit
My goals are to get from the morning to the evening without drowning in my own misery, and then I get to go to sleep. SOmetimes I’m bored, or sad, or frustrated by my disability (I NEVER say that out loud for public perusal)
But mostly, I feel apathy, I feel it to profound extents.
I’m lonely because my inner world is fucking massive, and I feel worthless a lot, even when I know that I am not worthless
I don’t imagine much of lifes possibilities come about via a visit to the front door.
Many people have tried to fix me, few have realised that I dont wanna be fixed (well I kinda do) BUT, I wanna be accepted and appreciated for my good traits, and left to my own devices regarding my darkness
I’m cooperating with a medical service that drains the life out of me, if I’m going away somewhere, just the routine of packing feels like a hike up Everest
Sick sick sick sick sick of trying to mend a broken brain
Ponder this…If I was the only person living on earth, I wouldn’t feel worthless because of my extended chair sitting situation. I’d relax, eat, sleep, indulge my curiosity and I wouldn’t feel bad for not being able to work, cos I wouldn’t know what work was
I live in a society that judges others harshly. In giving up, I feel like I’ve cut my last tie to my society. I couldn’t be anymore of an outsider if I tried
Giving up feels exactly the same as letting go
I’ll still be recycling the cat biscuit boxes, just incase your interested 🙂
Fucking depression stinks! Giving up has much more going for it!