Getting Naked… Depression Is Her Skin

Video

What I never talk straight about

Depression!

Basically, my mental health has deteriorated to the point of complete ‘stoppage’ in all areas of my life. I’ve been living in my arm-chair for as long back as I can remember

Most days, I can’t even summon the will to bathe and brush my teeth

Sooooo…I’ve been fighting against the tide of my mental illnesses for nearly ten years and I’ve finally given up

Literally, physically, and psychologically…I’m fucked, tired, confused, astounded, grateful, defensive, paranoid, scared and my heart hurts

But this giving up thing only feels bad when I have an idea or a longing for something in my future, then I remind myself…’Dawn, you’ve given up, stop thinking about all that crap’

I can feel one half of me dying to wrestle her way into the world, the same half constantly trying to make me make ‘goals’

Truth is…I don’t have goals, I just bumble along and that is about all there is to say about that

I only feel shit when I judge myself and my life through the lenses of a society who stigmatize and mistreat the mentally ill

When I look at the consequences of ‘giving up’…They all point to the same truth. For me personally, I have been freed from it all. I fully expect this depression to turn into something scarier soon, and the half of me that has these exuberant and exciting thoughts about my future, is on high alert because of past trips to ‘crazy town’… this half is worried for my health. The other half doesn’t give a shit

My goals are to get from the morning to the evening without drowning in my own misery, and then I get to go to sleep. SOmetimes I’m bored, or sad, or frustrated by my disability (I NEVER say that out loud for public perusal)

But mostly, I feel apathy, I feel it to profound extents.

I’m lonely because my inner world is fucking massive, and I feel worthless a lot, even when I know that I am not worthless

I don’t imagine much of lifes possibilities come about via a visit to the front door.

Many people have tried to fix me, few have realised that I dont wanna be fixed (well I kinda do) BUT, I wanna be accepted and appreciated for my good traits, and left to my own devices regarding my darkness

I’m cooperating with a medical service that drains the life out of me, if I’m going away somewhere, just the routine of packing feels like a hike up Everest

Sick sick sick sick sick of trying to mend a broken brain

Ponder this…If I was the only person living on earth, I wouldn’t feel worthless because of my extended chair sitting situation. I’d relax, eat, sleep, indulge my curiosity and I wouldn’t feel bad for not being able to work, cos I wouldn’t know what work was

I live in a society that judges others harshly. In giving up, I feel like I’ve cut my last tie to my society. I couldn’t be anymore of an outsider if I tried

Giving up feels exactly the same as letting go

I’ll still be recycling the cat biscuit boxes, just incase your interested 🙂

Fucking depression stinks! Giving up has much more going for it!

555

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19 responses »

  1. Aww!!! Your reply made me smile for sure. I know in times where understand is lacking, sticking with community who does understand is key to any happiness in any number. Your blog has already introduced you to an online community that I sent has broughy you closwr to many supporters. I am thankful to the Internet even just for that! Thanks for your supply. Again, it’s up to US and THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND to keep speaking of this horrible illness. The more it’s spoken of the the lighter the load on those who don’t understand. It will eventually be a thing we can openly discuss which mean we are that much closer to a cure or at least some relief.

  2. I hope you find the you need. I’ve been there. Feelings of worthlessness and self-pity will eat you alive. Find help and get outside of yourself. Force yourself to do little things each day to get off your chair and out. Even if it means going to Starbucks and sitting with a coffee and a book. Anything to get out!
    Baby steps! You do not have to feel that way ever again. Life is worth living!

  3. Hey there maker of smilers and sunshine! I hope today finds you well. Thank-you so much for thsi comment, I totally agree with everything you’ve said, I don’t get why people cant get it either. Sooooo bogged down with how the stigma knaws through the skin and starts to shape our view of self which just keeps the whole nightmare cycle going, thankyou for sharing your heartfelt words and for being one of those who understands…An almost priceless gifts in todays world! May stigma be a thing of the past in the not too distant future…Take care chook…Luv Dawny 🙂

  4. Victoria Victoria Victoria! You wise, interesting and funny soul you! Though much of what you touch upon is serious stuff, your wit and humor shine through too. I truly agree with what you’ve said here, people equate individuality with ‘every man would be an island’ bullshit. If individuals were allowed to flouridh fully and to see past the illusion of freedom, the world would be a very different place! Including the Greeks ;)…SOrry its took me so long to reply, i’ve been a bit flummoxed with life, but I so apprecaite the time and effort and heart you placed into your comment! Thankyou muchly Victoria, \I hope you have a great day…Luv Dawny 🙂

  5. Stigma sucks. People don’t understand. I don’t understand why people don’t understand. Mental illness is such a hush hush, don’t talk about it, just get over it thing. I don’t get it. Everyone is always so “we must find a cure” for everything else, cancer being probably the highest on the list – and don’t get me wrong, cancer sucks too – but I think mental illness is a very harsh, distant cousin of cancer. Cancer takes you physically, and then mentally, whereas mental illness takes you mentally, then physically. They’re both things that no one wants to be diagnosed with, but the world treats them both so differently. I wish I had the power to singlehandedly break the stigma. Mental illness isn’t a choice, just like cancer isn’t a choice. But people expect the mentally ill to just get over it. I’m sorry, but I can’t just get over it. Thank you for sharing your story.

  6. Hey Hemmingplay, thank you sooooo much for this truly heart felt reply. I was touched reading it…your comment is true wisdom around the issue which is rare to find and it makes me feel better knwoing your around and that you’ve been there for your son and for others in your family. I’m so glad your son found the strength to climb out of the hole, I was ‘cheered muchly’ when I read about his current life and really chuffed for him that the monkey climbed off of his back and he keeps swiping the swine when it comes back- to see if it can take it’s shitty ‘hold’…Ahhh and I’m still a sucker for a compliment lol, so thanks for mentioning the eyes :)…Luv Dawny 🙂

  7. I’ve had some experience with this through the struggles of others. It runs in the family, and I think it’s one of the most insidious of conditions. The outside world doesn’t really understand it, and efforts to help are usually off the mark, at best.

    At least you’ve put a name on it, and have been able to take a stance a little outside it where you can observe and can see the outlines of it. Doesn’t mean you’re not affected, but it is a distinct advantage. Those who can’t see it more objectively in themselves are in trouble because to them, it’s an internally consistent world. It feels normal, inevitable. And because it is built on your own biochemistry, it is partially true. But only partially.

    And you’re right, most of the heavy lifting involved in understanding this, finding strategies to cope or reduce its power fall on you. Professionals can help, but only so much. Its chemical basis can be treated, but my son, who had a severe case of this for years starting in high school, had severe reactions and side effects to the usual drugs. He eventually outgrew it, mostly. He did get some help from a pharmacologically expert RN, though, who did improve things. But one day, when he was in his late 20s, he got tired of the constant, debilitating neck pain (one of the side effects) and weaned himself cold-turkey and found out that he was really better than he realized. He’s doing well, now. In grad school (philosophy) and out hiking in the Rockies at the moment and is happy. I know this may not match your experience, but I sense in you the same kind of sense of humor and sheer grit and determination that he has.That will see you through. You’re not alone, by any means. I hope you continue to write and explore this and the rest of your life, but one day you may wake up and realize that things have actually gotten better while you were busy with other things. I hope so.

    And if you’ll forgive a personal comment, you have lovely eyes. 🙂

  8. Glorious Dawn, like Aphrodite herself, arise anew each and every morning…

    I think you are on to something in a certain respect. 25 years ago today I asked a man to cut my throat with my very own Bowie knife on a quiet beach on the Cycladic island of Naxos in Greece. I didn’t actually know the poor sod, and he is probably still trying to get as far away from me as humanly possible – he may be in orbit, or somewhere in deepest Africa as an anonymous volunteer for some philanthropic organisation. Granted, Greek men are probably used to seeing a lot of crazy shit, but I’m pretty confident that was not the sort of “crazy” that chap was hoping for.

    There is a point here. Obviously, that gentleman denied my request. However when the fog from that moment of utter despair and desperation began to dissipate I suddenly thought to myself: “What if he had granted my request? What if I were dead right now? What is it the dead have got that I want desperately enough to risk psychologically damaging a total stranger???”.

    It is truly impossible to describe the sense of total freedom I experienced (albeit at that period of my life briefly) when the epiphany came to me.

    Literal death means giving back everything material or spiritual that the universe has gifted you with. But what about declaring one’s self “socially dead”?

    There is no greater obstacle to individuality than expectations. For some totally asinine reason we are taught from earliest childhood that we all (are supposed to) think alike. As such we are also taught that it is perfectly “reasonable” for mommy, daddy, teacher, preacher, boss, partner et.al. to “expect” us to perceive the world and behave in a certain way. What a load of total crap!

    The most insidious part is that we actually adopt those same expectations and attempt to impose them on ourselves – even when that makes us desperately unhappy. For fear of being perceived by others as anomalous we then in turn try to project those same ludicrous expectations on those around us. The result is that we inevitably rob ourselves of any hope for genuine connection, not allowing our own personalities to develop individually, nor allowing ourselves to appreciate the individuality of others. A vicious cycle of ancient Greek tragedy if there ever was one!

    Dawn you are worthy of love because you exist. What others expect of you is their problem. In order to motivate your self you first need to get to know that groovy gal – let her approach you from the inside out. Embrace all of your bits and pieces, regardless of whether or not they are recognized within the “social acceptability spectrum”. What you choose to do with what you discover is your business.

    Each and every mind is a totally unique possibility. Brains don’t break – preconceptions do though. The organ itself has miraculous abilities for self healing – so long as preconceptions don’t get in the way. What we call the “mind” is that miracle which gives us the ability to become conscious participants in our own existence. Preconceptions are the parasites that feed on our mind’s potential. Allow yourself, to reveal itself to you. And if you like, just sit back and enjoy the view!!!

    Love you,

    VIctoria

  9. I think this video defines it pretty well, it’s the hardest thing to get out of. One day at a time. Take care x

  10. Hey John, I’m sorry that you know how it feels, its beyond crap ay?? I hope you dont have to feel like it ever again, here’s hoping for all of us…Luv Dawny 🙂

  11. Alania, Thankyou sooooooo much for this truly lovely message, I read it and thought…’what an amazingly kind soul’…I hope I can fight all that I’mk going through and your words made me feel better, bless your heart Ms Starhawk…Luv Dawny 🙂

  12. Beautiful spirit…I know the raw bravery it takes to express yourself with such vulnerability!! That is NOT the expression of someone who has given up!! Perhaps…it is time to begin imagining the world you would enjoy (as you’ve somewhat stated). Step by step…reminding yourself that you can do ‘anything’ to lift yourself up or bring a giggle in today. Breaking the weight and hopelessness of depression can be a fight. But please know that you won’t be fighting alone!! We…and many others will be there to cheer you on…when YOU (and only you) are ready for more!!
    ♥ Many blessings to you sweet one!!

  13. Hi Irene, thanks for hoping on my behalf….I am blessed to have amazing people around me who keep my head just above water, but the truth is, if there is ‘professional’ help for depression, apathy, addiction etc, I’ve never seen it. If I can’t help myself, who can possibly help…sorry if this reply is pooey, I’m struggling to find the right words but I appreciate your kind words…Luv Dawny

  14. “Giving up feels exactly the same as letting go”.
    Keep doing this. Have no fear. Have no anxiety. Keeping exploring your inside. Do this for its own sake, not for some results. See what you will discover? Pleasant surprises! The river of love that flows in you will work miracles.

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