Dear best friend and worst enemy,
Someone asked me about you last week. About what you do for me and what exactly our relationship to each other is. Whilst you remain indifferent, incapable of caring about which one of us randomer’s uses you; I am somewhat more attached to us and our rendezvous’… Firstly, it was just me and you back when my life was nothing more than a living breathing nightmare, straight from the fiery pits of hell, and worthy of a thousand great horror stories. Me and you. You were the only vehicle capable of taking me between 2 worlds and back to this one again. It was me and you here when all those miracles occurred in front of my eyes, no denying them, or their pure unadulterated life changing essence. You were there when I was too shy to show my other best friends who I had become.
Now I have no idea who I am anymore; so your filling the gap between self acceptance and self-expression until further notice or further bravery, whichever comes first.
Back then, You were there when I couldn’t lift my head up off the arm of the chair; when the only time I moved was to go to the loo. When I was so depressed it was an effort to breathe and a daily battle with suicidal fantasies. Yes. Fantasies. I wanted nothing more than to die back then.
You woke me up when I was asleep; you gave me the concentration necessary to indulge my only other passion…reading. Reading the life stories of other people. You were there during both the terror, and the heaven-sent visions and spiritual experiences. You have remained a constant companion throughout the moments of pure panic, the sort of blind rushing fear filled panic that causes the entire body to freeze, except for the heart that I can feel pounding throughout my entire body, beating at 200 thumps a minute for hours on end, and causing me to stay completely frozen for hours after the ‘memory hit’.
You don’t care what I do or when I do it, you don’t care how many people I worry or hurt, you don’t care about your after effects, the dirty shitty sorrowful come downs and the physical damage which is of yet, unknown and potentially very dangerous.
Then there are the times when your never here.
Your never here for me after…
Because you’re still here, but in a very different form. A form that takes and lessens and weakens and steals. Some would say you weren’t really here for me through all that. Some will say that without you, the trauma that causes the panic was your fault in the first place. But I know different…I know that your accompaniment through these times was just that, accompaniment. The times…that era… and the events of those times, were coming for me whether you were there or not. You made some things worse, sometimes, I do know that. But like I said…it was you and me…Just you and me were there to witness it all. Just as I am incapable of forgetting those events, I am incapable of separating them and us. We are entwined and I love you for that. Without a heart, with a form of nothing more than ashes, you loved me. Is it real love?…Probably not for you, you are without a heart after all. I however, am not. My love for you is as real as the nose on my face.
So, that explains why I cannot leave you to some other randomer instead of me. We belong together. I believe that. I believe that without you, I would wither and die inside. Since those days, even with all the miracles and all the evidence of magnificence, I can’t find joy without you anymore. I’m not depressed because of you…I’m depressed in spite of you. Everyday without you is grey. Those times stole my natural sense of joy and I don’t know how to get it back
Now, the panic has lessened and with it, the intensity of experience is diminished. Now I’m just a messed up kid who can’t concentrate or create without you. A big kid with ‘adhd’ who needs her own brand of Ritalin
I really don’t know what defines our relationship to each other anymore, but I can tell you about then! When it was just you and me and that is the problem…The problem lies in our history as much as it lies in our future. Where do we go from here? Do you become my best friend without still being my worst enemy? Or the dreaded other? Do you become a stranger who is incapable of caring about any of the things that mean the world to me?
You mean the world to me, but you are not the only one. I have other best friends who are not enemies at all. But slowly, I am becoming a stranger to them, as I save all my energy for ‘us’…
I wish you could just leave me, I wish it was up to you instead of up to me to end things. But what is the point if I know I will search for another best friend who looks just like you. Ashes of heaven and hell are my choice of company, you are my favourite thing. I hate you for that, slightly more than I hate me for it
Do you wonder too? Of course you don’t…anyone will do for you, any old randomer looking for a fix is your new best friend. Alone, I am one unit. Alone, you are one unit. Together, we are almost everything. At the least, we are so much more than a regular 1 + 1 = 2. We are infinity + 1 and I don’t even know why or how anymore. Unlike before, it’s not just me and you, and we don’t look anything like we once did. You are not what you were and neither am I. I never asked for you to be my true joy, neither did I ask for you to be the only vehicle that can drive me to my joy. My ability to create and connect is unlocked by you and I want the fucking keys back. I want the key to myself to be held by me, not you. Faceless ashes of heaven and hell, I want my key back and I don’t want to get you a copy cut this time. Not this time
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference
Can I change me and you? God grant me the wisdom to know if I should keep trying or accept that this is as good as it gets!