Category Archives: Deeeeeeeeep

A Letter to My Fix…Addicts and Bandages

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Dear best friend and worst enemy,

Someone asked me about you last week. About what you do for fix 7me and what exactly our relationship to each other is. Whilst you remain indifferent, incapable of caring about which one of us randomer’s uses you; I am somewhat more attached to us and our rendezvous’… Firstly, it was just me and you back when my life was nothing more than a living breathing nightmare, straight from the fiery pits of hell, and worthy of a thousand great horror stories. Me and you. You were the only vehicle capable of taking me between 2 worlds and back to this one again. It was me and you here when all those miracles occurred in front of my eyes, no denying them, or their pure unadulterated life changing essence. You were there when I was too shy to show my other best friends who I had become.

Now I have no idea who I am anymore; so your filling the gap between self acceptance and self-expression until further notice or further bravery, whichever comes first.

Back then, You were there when I couldn’t lfix 8ift my head up off the arm of the chair; when the only time I moved was to go to the loo. When I was so depressed it was an effort to breathe and a daily battle with suicidal fantasies. Yes. Fantasies. I wanted nothing more than to die back then. Read the rest of this entry

That 4 Letter Word…Causes All The Strife, Causes All of Life, Awakens Our Inner Wife, Cuts Like a Knife, Our Fuel For This Life…

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Love ? I love love love you.When God said – Love is all there is… I understand now the depth and breadth of love’s business

When we are all children, its intensity rules all

And the very next heart beat after we first feel it, the fear of losing it ignites

It stays there throughout school

Then there’s all this imperfection and pain in the world

And the only thing that fixes it is the very thing that causes it

Love is the only perfect gift on the planet

But if we give and receive it from a damaged source, it becomes pain filled and painful, blocked, cruel, lost, mis-directed, overwhelming, mis-understood…

At worst, it dresses up as abuse – mental, physical, sexual or spiritual

When 2 people fall in love, it envelopes your insides, causing joy, ecstasy, warmth, addiction, desire, longing, kindness, insanity, inspiration, hope, happiness, thoughfulness

When the bond is damaged it dresses as mistrust, revenge, power, confusion, patience, truth and lies

When illness threatens to break its bond it dresses to fit – as care, dedication, forgiveness, pain, hurt, even what feels like hatred, loyalty, compromise, explanations, ’emotionally charged right up’ love, fear, too much, too little, perception spectacles of many different colours Read the rest of this entry

After I was Broken, I Learnt About Before…

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Before I judge, I try to really look

Before I see, I remember the manuscript was longer than the book

Before I decide, I ask myself what makes me an expert

Before I classify, I realise complexity makes a recipe for a convert

Before I write you off, I remember how painful life can be

Before I label, I know that no-one understands you like He

Before anything, I know there is context, circumstance, reason and feeling

Before lectures, I try wondering how you might be reeling

Before damnation, I ask myself why you could be lying

Before giving up on you, I realise when you’re lying, you’re not crying Read the rest of this entry

Bin The Labels…and Please Make Way For The Connections

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If I ruled the world, I would begin by eradicating labels from society…ALL of them (almost)

There would be no – Black, White, British, Spanish, Old, Young, Liberal, Conservative, Sociopath, Bi Polar, Cancer, Farmer, Waitress, Unemployed, Married, Single, Disabled, labels 1Blind, Forgiving, Vengeful, Kind, Generous, Sweet, Cruel, Upper Class, Learning Difficulties, Healthy, Sick, Damaged, Fixed etc

When I studied sociology, I learnt about the importance of labels. I was taught that when a new label was introduced to mainstream language, it was a reflection of a ‘groups’ needs being recognised.labels

I was also taught that when a new label replaces an old one, such as the change from ‘Spastic‘ in the 80’s; to ‘A person with Learning Difficulties‘ in the 2000’s; the change is a reflection of a group trying to shed the stigma of being attached to a label that is mocked/ridiculed/mistreated/misunderstood/considered lesser

Sociology aside, life has taught me more about labels than any academic theory ever could. Read the rest of this entry

Short Number 42 – Purposefully Confused :)

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The secret to true freedom lies in theories

If you’re confused, you can research a number of explanations for clarity

If you research enough differing theories, ‘reality’ officially becomes a complete mystery

And along comes the greatest cure to the greatest question

Truth?

“I don’t know…Ask me one on sport!” 😉

(50 words)

A Big Old Phat Thank-You is in Order! :)

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After scouring Word-Press for the last gazillion hours, I stumbled upon some amazing insights into self-esteem and how to achieve it the wise way; as well as many tips and ways to cope with life’s adversity, in positive ways

As a student of society, I still remain baffled by so much regarding the science of people’s minds. For every process that I understand on a deeper level, I am met with another that I had no idea existed. Life, and everything in it, is complex, and only partially understood. Living life and ‘getting through it’ requires constant analysis; and the perspectives and knowledge of just one other person, can reveal bucket loads about how different people think, and explanations of how they come to the conclusions they reach.

All of our experiences, merge together from the year dot. And as new one’s are added to our personal pots, our perspectives often change as life is seen through different lenses

I learnt a lot last night about self-awareness, growth, difference, weakness, vulnerability, honesty, social norms, culture, illness and lastly, but most importantly, I learnt a great deal more about the power of the mind Read the rest of this entry

Addictive Genes and Sad Souls…Do We Inherit Sadness?

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I was 6 or 7 years old when my first addiction began, I used to get £1 for dinner money, and everyday my Mum would see me over the main road and wave goodbye; off I would trot to meet the two friends who I walked to school with.

The gap between her wave goodbye, and the knock on my friends front door, was the best part of my day

I remember the feeling of excitement as I rushed to the shop at the bottom of our estate, where I would buy 10 packets of ‘Cheesies’ and 10 packets of ‘Meanies’ (small bags of 5p crisps)

I don’t know how I knew that it needed to be a secret, but I knew it alright; I knew it intrinsically. So; I would eat ALL 20 packets in rapid time, and by the time I reached my friend’s house, I had consumed them all, and my secret was safe

By lunchtime, I was starving, every single day… and I knew that if I could stop buying the crisps, I’d be able to eat lunch with my friends. I regretted it everyday, whilst I watched everyone eating their lunch; but I didn’t stop…because I couldn’t stop, Read the rest of this entry

‘Beautiful & Tragic’ in equal measure…The Loss of Perfection

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My best friend called me the other night and told me to listen to this song by Ed Sheeran…

In true Dawny style I forgot, and then he came round at the weekend, reminded me, and we listened to a few of his songs together, and I have to say…’He rocks’

I found this one (small bump) particularly moving ‘first take’, but I didn’t listen to it properly until I was alone

It is a story of him awaiting the birth of his baby, and the 2nd take left me more than a little heart-broken…their baby didn’t make it. I decided not to post it, incase anyone reading had suffered a miscarriage…I didn’t want to be responsible for triggering such a tragic and difficult memory in another.

However, miscarriage is a sad but certain part of life, and I have known people who have fought the battle of losing such perfection; they have somehow managed to move on from the loss of their baby, but I’m sure they are still reminded often of their treasured ‘small bump’… as they try to carry on living as best they can.

This song is the most beautiful expression of the experience that I’ve heard, so I decided in the end, I would post it. I think it’s important not to shy away from writing about painful and taboo subjects; sometimes reading about others who have gone through the same harrowing experience as you, brings comfort, and a sense of belonging and understanding

It is an exceptional song with a painful yet beautiful message…

Small Bump

Top Ten Tips for Fighting Psychosis

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Mental Health Month Poster

Mental Health Month Poster

Recently I went through a truly hellish episode of psychosis that lasted 8 months (and in some ways 3 years). Delusions were forming and growing, on and off, for those years; but the 8 month period when it peaked was truly the most horrific, debilitating, life stealing, petrifying, confusing, lonely, hideous, exhausting, depressing, soul shattering suicidal experience of my life. I could write for 10 hours and be unable to offer even an outline of the description of my delusions…

As per usual, the mental health team were about as useful as a chocolate fire guard, I sincerely have no idea what these people do all day; but tending to the mental health of their patients seems to be an alien concept to them. 7 years on from my diagnosis and I still struggle to get any positive suggestion from them. Bloody morons! After several admissions to hospital I was forced to re-engage with them (I’ve discharged myself from their care (clears throat) umpteenth times, as they do fuck all except stress me out). So; I asked time and time again for some skills to deal with my reality, some practical advice, some help, some words of encouragement… something, anything, just one little tool. In the end, they decided a leaflet on volunteering and a referral to the therapy group I’ve already been to, would suffice. Again, bloody morons. The group is great for a drop of depression or intolerance, but neeeee way does it even touch upon the unique experience of a psychotic break… so I thought I would share my tips, on how I began to escape the 24 pit stop from hell… Read the rest of this entry

Excuse Invalid…Coupon expired some time ago!

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Ok…I’m throwing out a bit of a generalisation here, and I mean not to offend, but I can’t help but think that some people are using their childhood baggage as an excuse to be an adult asshole, when the reasons they state for their dysfunction, no longer wash!

Survivor

I say this with a fair amount of my own ‘suitcases of crap’; that I and life have filled along my travels. I didn’t grow up in the London version of the ‘Waltons’ mountain top dream home/family, as I’m sure most people didn’t

They say ‘kids bounce back quickly’, and now I’m an adult I would have to say that this is only partly true. When we turn 18, or 21 or 30 or 60, we don’t have some magical erase button that wipes the slate clean…We are all grubby little slabs, affected by events of old days

However, bar the severely autistic, as adults we know at least some of the social rules that guide us through life. We know right from wrong, and most of us know what we are doing/being, when we behave like spoilt children Read the rest of this entry

Which One(s) Are You?

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Due to recent life events, I have been forced to stretch my wisdom genes and my philosophical viewpoints further than ever before…and in this process I have come to believe that every person is

A Master, A Teacher, A Preacher and/or a Healer

In life there are so many individual occurrences, that entwine to make our lives what they are. Meaning and understanding have to be taught, we need to learn about them, and to heal from the pain filled ones, in order to function in any society Read the rest of this entry

Holding On to Let Go…

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Being a drinker from the positivity cup for quite some years, I developed a great skill, or what I thought was a great skill. An ability to forget the person who caused me pain when I almost remembered them. What I didn’t realise was this skill was making me extremely sick. When I thought  I was forgetting, I was actually losing my mind in the process. On the surface I was winning, but inside I was rotting; rotting because I was ignoring the poisonous effect of letting go on a conscious level, when my sub conscious was crying out to remember

So now, I have to find a new way. A way that integrates the old days with the new. Or so I thought…

The truth is, the only way is the old way

There is nothing positive about having your heart-broken, the old way knows this, so once again I am a slave to my meandering thoughts

The things that remind me of you have to stay in my conscious mind Read the rest of this entry

Forward Thinking Ay? Depends who you ask! Pollock or Bollox?

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Evolution is a funny word, and an even stranger than funny occurrence

English: Photograph of abdomen of a pregnant woman

English: Photograph of abdomen of a pregnant woman (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You might argue that as life has expanded to include creatures from other planets, and technology and magic have stepped up a notch or 84

It would only be those ‘not gaining anything’ from these things that would argue, things have gone too far, in the wrong direction, too quickly!

Except a few know that if we had access to just one other thing, we would all feel the magic of ourselves – self-esteem, judgy wudgy pants and co, and disrespect would disappear from reality, and then people, then everyone would really be having the time of their life!

When I think about miracles, I think about when I see a pregnant woman and notice that ‘She has got a whole ‘nother human in her belly’ !!!

Apparently this is not enough! Read the rest of this entry

More mildly insane pondering! With a wish or two thrown in…Why? Why not?!

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Cat and Dog Cupcakes

Cat and Dog Cupcakes

The open-minded and the crazy, get it from all directions

Few dare to know the extent of their wisdom, only the fearless dare and that takes time

Few can be held to account for terrorising these people, and more than a few know it’s happening

Illness is one mighty huge get out of jail free card, for a plethora of morally superior folk whom I chuckle at for even believing on one tiny level that they are deluded enough to take a higher ground position, as they lead a war for nowt’ more than kicks and cash!

The trick is to know that those who think they know it all, are those that either fail to see the truly unexplainable

Or believe they are responsible for the unexplainable, even if the ‘how’ evades them at present Read the rest of this entry

Ponder of EPIC Proportions

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(Do you think I’m not in pain? I hurt too, pain hides in anger and strength comes from weakness, weakness comes from the fear of more pain and hurt) Fears opposite IS LOVE

Being hated hurts, tenderness makes it easier, the truth hurts but it forces us to find solace in truth

Cover of "Alien Quadrilogy (Alien/ Aliens...

Let go

If Aliens made nature, that would suggest that nature is un-natural

If Aliens made nature from un-natural sources, how did natures perfection exist and persist

How do the flowers know when to bloom? Really?

If Aliens made the universe, who made them?

If Aliens know that the soul does not exist, how come unnatural natural humans, know it does?

What came first…The chicken or the egg?

Why does it matter what order they came in?

They are here and surely thats more relevant, to ponder on how, is going back over old turf, what’s the point?

If Aliens made the universe, who let them do so?

Who made the matter possible, where did the matter get its wisdom from?

If Aliens made humans without a heart, how come humans know they were made with love in their insides?

I’d say a pretty strong force would have been responsible for all that ‘non force’ related phenomena

Who came first? The monster or the beauty?

Does it matter?

If propaganda in Truman style has been happening, what propaganda have they been subjected to, the makers of the propaganda?

They would say NONE, and that is the trouble…

While you’re watching me and others, who’s watching you?

Truth in history is love laughing at you for being sooooo sure!

And who made the existence of a universe possible in the first place? Now that is one question that might be highly important!

Short Number 27 – Face Value

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On face value

Off face value

The enjoyable interaction = The enjoyable interaction

Except one is underpinned by trust, respect, thoughts, loyalty, kindness, honesty, highs and lows, impact…and these are the insides in the ball of love

The other is underpinned by by by by? = nothing + duplicitous behaviour +  an off cut from loves cloth

Word Count – 50

Judgy Wudgy Pants/ Dear Oh Law Dawny, never small scale!

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I have a little bit of ‘tude… and a selection of feelings/emotions and reactions, feeding the general mood and conclusions of this spillage!

Pretty sure you won’t make it to the end. Note to self – OH MY GOD I bloody love my pretty page, and an idea for new wallpaper is firmly sorted!

Back to a rather long-winded moan/analysis/poke around/thanks/oh balls/less judgy wudgy hypocrisy, in my CD-rom soul.

All delivered through my strange eyes, stranger life happenings, and the humble yet positively trappy opinions I own as of now

In short, me spilling AGAIN! 🙂

Firstly, as I traipsed onto my page after a short break, I just had to chuckle at the utter mental-ness of my entries of late, which was induced by a number of rather shocking changes to my identity. As one of my dear friends summed up as good reason for my shifting perception – I am maliable. I would have to say on a short note Read the rest of this entry

I’m out of the running…No More God Lives Here

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I dis-own myself as a creation of GOD

I know who I have always been, and what I have become over the years, I know what I have said and done, what I regret and why I regret it

I’m tired and because I finally love myself the same amount as I love everyone else, I choose not to fly the flag, and to stay as the un-known unseen thing called it

I know that the force I speak of, will always exist, but I am never ever ever ever coming back to this earth, I tried, Looks like I failed, but words mean nothing and everything, until all and one knows itself but doesn’t know why it does

Good Luck to ALL the Complex Gods in the Running

I myself, me like, just want out of this crappy unequal world as I see it, and I can’t see it as anyone else because I am me.

But I AM proud of me, what I have achieved before I ran out of strength, and as I dis-own the words and the deeds in font, I will just tell you that I am just like everyone else, imperfect, growing, hurting, shrinking and loving, unconditionally

Except I caught up with the force of love just in time to save myself from your games.

9 times you have used me, now you’ve got the best of me, come come on and take the rest of me.

100% = 102%, 99% for life as we know it, and 2 of the 3% are fake, I can do nothing more to convince you of my truths, so I’m done

Laters and may the force be with you…it always will be but I will not feel the pain of this life for nothing anymore

If announcing myself as letting you go, brings you the freedom you so desire, then maybe I was never meant to be here in the first place

I am love if love is GOD, but I can dis-own all the words and this soul, in order to save myself. And I am never ever ever ever ever coming back, which i’m sure will make your day. And it sure does make mine

I’m pig sick of the lot of ya right at this minute, there is no telling those who a) Can’t be told, and b) Don’t give a shit until further notice

Should any of you wish to know GOD as LOVE, and the creator, you can come and read these words, and KNOW they will always be true and were always true, love is here for you allways and forever, and I as a soul, choose never to march on this crappy earth again

Enjoy your games you sick sick people, I have put out a full on prayer that you will come back to yourself soon, very soon

I stil wish I could be given a chance to change the world, but not as me, this ego has flown the nest forever

I no longer wish or fame for me ONE IOTA

A tip – you might wanna stick a pound on the appendix, dizzy spells and goosebumps and a few nights where I got the ump and removed the sunshine for real, just to prove a point.

Now forget it all please and thank-you. Just know that one of your gods, is being as near to the devil as possible, with block aids, and borders on nations

Business is LOVE’s business, I shall stay where I chose to stay weeks ago, in the sea as a dolphin with the other 2 that I prevented in my dreams, still loved both of them though, believe it or not

Tooodles

Hope, Faith and Glory

Remember, I’m just little old me, but the forve will keep you all safe whereever I land, and it will stay that way until the end of time, LOVE will never leave you, but in order to get justice for us all, I’ve laid some GREAT plans, and I hope you topple your leaders, with song and dance. I have my OWN reasons for dis-owning myself in words, and that is to give myself true justice and the rest you will see when you are ready, unless free will and patience met in the middle

Heres hoping that the too good to be true comes true and that you forget it all but for some reason, know what you need to

FORGET it all, tip on the appendix and dizzyness

Love Littlebeut333 – A very clever pussy cat

8 of us? Quite possibly, WHO to pick? Yourself…

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Love

Love

As human beings and as boys and girls, wondering if we missed something on our way up…

It is quite difficult to know who to trust isn’t it? Good job that the souls of how it could be, could read the second they were born/woke up….

One GOD accepts everyone, forgives everyone and also, fills them with unconditional love – THE BEST thing I have ever felt, by a million miles

If you can’t trust anyone, that is fabulous ‘cos all you have to do is trust yourself to buy into this GOD, all you have to do is take yourself back just once, to everything you hate about yourself/love about yourself, everything you have been and everything you want to be, is up for offer and begging you to listen to your own heart, and to borrow loves heart until you feel it’s gift… Read the rest of this entry

Pretend all you like, but be tender with me please….

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Goosebumps (TV series)

Area 51

The USA and the way they lend themselves to a fallacy

The secrets in the wards for the insane

The Baby Boomers

The Big Brother Curse

Black and White Magic

Anime and its English counterpart

Every Stephen and every Bob Read the rest of this entry