Category Archives: Life

A Letter to My Fix…Addicts and Bandages

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Dear best friend and worst enemy,

Someone asked me about you last week. About what you do for fix 7me and what exactly our relationship to each other is. Whilst you remain indifferent, incapable of caring about which one of us randomer’s uses you; I am somewhat more attached to us and our rendezvous’… Firstly, it was just me and you back when my life was nothing more than a living breathing nightmare, straight from the fiery pits of hell, and worthy of a thousand great horror stories. Me and you. You were the only vehicle capable of taking me between 2 worlds and back to this one again. It was me and you here when all those miracles occurred in front of my eyes, no denying them, or their pure unadulterated life changing essence. You were there when I was too shy to show my other best friends who I had become.

Now I have no idea who I am anymore; so your filling the gap between self acceptance and self-expression until further notice or further bravery, whichever comes first.

Back then, You were there when I couldn’t lfix 8ift my head up off the arm of the chair; when the only time I moved was to go to the loo. When I was so depressed it was an effort to breathe and a daily battle with suicidal fantasies. Yes. Fantasies. I wanted nothing more than to die back then. Read the rest of this entry

I Will Be Your Eyes Until You Can ‘See’ Everything…

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They sat in English class together, paying no attention to the teachers speech, nor to ‘Of Mice and Men’. They were gassing like their lives depended on it!

“What is blue like?” she askedblind

“Blue is running as fast as you can into the waves, it is diving head first into the rushing sea. Blue is freezing cold lips that come from a night out in the snow, or from sucking an ice lolly hard and fast.”

“White?”

“White is the colour of innocence. White is unusual, as it holds all the other colours within it, yet it is almost colorless in appearance. White is a newly fitted, pristine kitchen with a fridge, freezer, washing machine and dishwasher. White is cotton wool, and the grainy texture of the chalk they use for writing on a blackboard”

“Red? What is red like?”

“Red is a boiling hot camp fire on a winter’s night. Red is the colour of passion and of angst. Red is a racy looking lady on a saturday night up town. Red is all lips and kisses. Water is see through and blood is red. When you feel the slight thickness of blood against water, you feel red”

“What are you like?” she asked…smiling

“When I’m being categorised according to my skin colour, I am white, but not like the white I described. I am actually a peachy pinky beige if we’re gonna get a little detailed about it :)” Read the rest of this entry

Cuteness Overload, Not To Mention His Cheek!!! ;)

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Here is a video of one of my amazing pussy cats (Mr Shamone) helping himself to my cup of tea! His paw action may well be the cutest thing I’ve seen this decade!

Don’t miss the little treasure!

How bloody cute is my thirsty little fella?

As I state in the video…Them boys could get away with blue murder! 🙂

A Spiritual Attitude to This Crazy Thing We Call Life

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spirit 11Spirituality is one of those words associated with sooooo many different ideas right?..The familiar ones include the practice of meditation, prayer, and surrounding one’s self with nature…On I could go

My Dad is a really spiritual guy so I grew up with more of an idea than most, as to what spirituality means; but my relationship with it was transformed when I felt and experienced a delivery of love into my heart. Truly life changing love…God’s Love

My Spiritual attitude is ever evolving; as I grow I’m sure it will continue to change well into the future. This is where I’m currently at in my outlooks and ideas about what everyday spirituality means for mespirit

1. My mentality (to a large extent) is ‘Live and let live’…Basically, I believe we are all on our own paths, and only God and I know me, and the same goes for everyone else…Only God and you know you.  You are the only one who can influence your path. It is not up to me to interfere with the spiritual journey of another, unless invited

2. I am learning to tell the truth when I most want to lie. This helps me to show those around me who I am, even though I bloody despise doing this when my self-expression is negative. But, when I do it, I honor my own worth and boundaries, not to mention my dysfunctional idiosyncracies (love thyself, poop bits included)

3. I proper try (and often succeed) in being non-judgemental (Again, my Dad talked about this a lot when we were little) Read the rest of this entry

Feel Good Songs for ‘The Blues’

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Feeling Blue?

I have discovered a little way of lightening the mental load

Make your self a feel good songs list on YouTube

(I read this week that people who listen to love songs take TEN times longer to get over a relationship, than those who don’t listen to mushy love stuff! SO with that knowledge under my belt, I began my quest for songs that don’t remind me of romantic love)

I have scoured the net looking for the ‘best 80’s and 90’s classics’, as well as the best reggae tunes everfeel good

The rule is…If I start feeling blue whilst it is playing, I stop it…

Reason being…not to infect the list with my bad mood, and to do so before my brain associates the song with any sort of sadness

If I had any idea how to, I’d direct you to my own list, but as I’m a YouTube account moron, I’m afraid you’ll have to make your own list 🙂

Good Luck

I hope it works for you 🙂

It makes me less blue; may that work for you too (should you be blue!)

Luv Dawny 🙂 xxx

Socially Unacceptable Timing for Response to Question :)

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As life ages me, it takes me longer and longer to answer a question and usually, 3 days later, I’m running through my head the actual answer…as in…the full comprehensive and specific descriptiontoo slow

So, in reality, this adds up to someone asking me a question and I either answer in a socially acceptable time frame with an incoherent less than poor attempt to explain whatever it is I’ve been asked about… or I leave the situation with the question hanging in the air and 3 days later I contact the questioner and say…I’m ready to answer your question now!

Either response is less than helpful to both asker and answerer!

More weird to add to my pile of oh too large amounts of weirdnesstoo slow 2

I Think I’m a Positive Cynic!! Anyone else? :/

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Is there such a thing as a positive cynic

I’ve just looked Cynic up in the dictionary and it is someone who thinks the worst about people or outcome of events

I do this…

And then follow up with a belief/thought that everything will be alright in the endpositive

Anyone else have this odd outlook?

That’s all I have to say about that, I’m off to read away to my hearts content. God bless the writers on tut internet!

Toodles

A Hearbreaking Choice, A Second Chance, A Mothers Letters of Love

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To my darling daughter… the light of my life and my reason for living! Time has dragged so slowly since I wrote to you last month, I’ve been counting down the days til I could again. I really hope school is still being good to you 🙂 You told me a little bit about your friend Alice in your last letter, she sounds like a great friend! I’d love to hear about your other friends when you next write to me. 

So… has school taught you anything yet that really impressed you? God! As usual, I wanna ask you so much, but also tell you so much…

I want you to know that you can ask or tell me anything, absolutely anything. I’m not only your birth mother, I’m your best friend too. If you can’t go to your parents about something, no matter how wrong or scary or private it feels, you can tell me. I am impossible to shock so when I say anything, I really mean anything 🙂

Anyways, my little spring chicken, guess what!! ?? Thanks to your parents ongoing kindness, we get to see each other in less than 4 months! A  whole day together baby, I’m soooooo looking forward to it. What do you want to do? Where shall we go? I can’t believe your back in my life!!! I feel so blessed and I’m eternally grateful to your parents for this chance to get to know you…my darling daughter

I’ve been thinking like a wild thing about this months topic! I always start by asking myself ‘What do I want my baby girl to know and be?’ After sifting through boys, motherhood, hugs, racism and a ton of other topics, I finally landed on respect. I can only hope that I explain it in a way that makes sense Read the rest of this entry

Medicated Memories…I’m Everything Without Contents!

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I’m angry without the anger

I care with flatlined clichéd pity

Without others I could slip by, abandoned

What is a soul without memories

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In solace I know I’ve been stolen

Repressing all that makes me

Pushing away my spirited version of chatter

Sitting firmly on top of rusty springs

Bearing heavy….Heavy on the heart

*** Read the rest of this entry

If I was a Car!

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I would be too big at the backcar

I would have inconsistent and inexplicable oil needs

Prone to breakdowns during short haul journeys

My battery would be flat often, for no fathomable reason

Every MOT would be filled with never before seen malfunctions

I would accelerate prematurely (formula one styleeee) with ba mere tap on the gas pedal Read the rest of this entry

That 4 Letter Word…Causes All The Strife, Causes All of Life, Awakens Our Inner Wife, Cuts Like a Knife, Our Fuel For This Life…

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Love ? I love love love you.When God said – Love is all there is… I understand now the depth and breadth of love’s business

When we are all children, its intensity rules all

And the very next heart beat after we first feel it, the fear of losing it ignites

It stays there throughout school

Then there’s all this imperfection and pain in the world

And the only thing that fixes it is the very thing that causes it

Love is the only perfect gift on the planet

But if we give and receive it from a damaged source, it becomes pain filled and painful, blocked, cruel, lost, mis-directed, overwhelming, mis-understood…

At worst, it dresses up as abuse – mental, physical, sexual or spiritual

When 2 people fall in love, it envelopes your insides, causing joy, ecstasy, warmth, addiction, desire, longing, kindness, insanity, inspiration, hope, happiness, thoughfulness

When the bond is damaged it dresses as mistrust, revenge, power, confusion, patience, truth and lies

When illness threatens to break its bond it dresses to fit – as care, dedication, forgiveness, pain, hurt, even what feels like hatred, loyalty, compromise, explanations, ’emotionally charged right up’ love, fear, too much, too little, perception spectacles of many different colours Read the rest of this entry

Steering Ships Am I Now?? All From The Confines of My Memory Foam

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As I pondered over my uber-shit sailing skills, I almost felt incompetent until I remembered never applying for the job 😉sailor 3

The Sea petrifies me, so I’m hopping off deck (soon)

A Sailor! As if !! (SCoff Scoff Scoff Old Chum)

(Ooops, missed some of that call, just heard Noah shouting star something??? I couldn’t hear him over the 2 tigers roaring)sailor 32

So, I spotted the nearest star and spun the ship rooooond towards it

As I notice 3,000 other stars with a quick whip of the neck, worry sets in

I panic, but then look down at my T-Shirt and see ‘Keep Calm and Go West’

The Co-ordinates and/or compass points are not my forte, so I listened to the team onboard instead, they were singing a 4 part harmony of the classic Welsh anthem ‘Newport’…The Welshie solo’d the line ‘concrete jungle where dreams are made of’ and I hollered

Follow that Green Peace Man to Starsailor

In that sweet moment, I’d realised my buried dream of being a sea-captain! But only if the boats swim sideways…Safety People!

From Rock, To Wi-Fi, To Heat Waves, Voiles and Snoring! OR A Selection of Bilge :)

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Christ Alive! And Seriouslybricks 4 ;/

I know that walls aren’t what they once were

As in; they used to be a foot thick…

Which was dandy!

However, these big old walls could have changed the future forever (See broken woman to the right)

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Nowadays, they are in competition with walls as thick as ice cream wafers…disguised as brick

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Soon, the new housing estates will look like they are situated in the centre of a desert in the Middle East (peak of summer). The strange swirling mist that comes from heat waves, will distort the walls and the owners will put it down to the 45 degree heat…

Until…

Winter arrives; the dwellers become alarmed to see the walls still slopping around, with no heat swirls in sight, and many neighbours buying posh nets from the stall in the street

Because ‘Apparently they keep the heat in’bricks 6

Seriously, I can hear the man snoring loud as a bleeding train, and he lives in a whole ‘nother house!!!!!!!!

At least it was only 169 words of tripe

My Vision for Improving Mental Health for Patients and Professionals Alike…

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I would be extrememly grateful for any opinions you have on this dear readers, as I want to take this to my NHS trust in the hope some of the ideas and viewpoints are viable… the goal being to improve service to patients, and to give professionals more confidence and room to utilise their unique ways of caring, leading to a higher sense of satisfaction for all involved.

Its a bit messy and not the finished draft, but pre-tweek, i’d soooooooo appreciate your views if you have some time to read it. Danke Danke 🙂

The number’s for the numbered points have disappeared in the copy and paste transfer…as have all the references! I’m sure we all know why, anyhoo, the main bones are here!

Good Doctors are never forgotten. Good practice changes lives. Poor practice can destroy them. 

   Anxiety, Mental Illness & Ethics for Change

 

Guidance to Treat Anxiety alongside other Mental Health Issues – For Primary & Secondary Care Workers

1.       The True Scale of Anxiety in ‘Mentally Ill Patients’

2.       Anxiety Kills!

3.       A Safe Place is Vital…

4.       The Things We All Feel When Were Mentally Unwell

5.       Simplify and Believe. When Will The Culture of Distrust Dissolve?

6.       The Questionnaire

7.       6 Ways to Nurture Hope…

8.       6 Things We Will Do For You (Immediately)

9.       6 Weeks Alone – Mind The Gap

10.   6 Steps to Great Care – Back to Basics…

11.  No More Double Standards – Say Goodbye To Stigma

 Guidance to Treat Anxiety alongside other Mental Health Issues – For Secondary Care Worker Read the rest of this entry

Our Forever Changing ‘Shadow of Self’ – The Two Wolves

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Twice this week I have come across a quote you’ve probably all heard

“A fight is going on inside me,” said an old man to his son. “It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good. he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The samwolvese fight is going on inside you.”

The son thought about it for a minute and then asked, “Which wolf will win?” 

The old man replied simply, “The one you feed.”
Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

This got me thinking about a section from the book – ‘Conversations with God’…It basically said that due to the human need for duality (which is required in order to find meaning in this life) God is, and always has been ‘ALL OF IT’.

He (or Life) created on Earth a system including…good and bad, lies and truth, jowolves 3y and pain, morals and anarchy, gluttony and hunger, poverty and riches etc. He (or life) created these opposites so that we may know ourselves, and also re-define ourselves as we change and grow. We do this by relating our traits to the attributes of the 2 wolves

This got me thinking about our shadows

Read the rest of this entry

Dear Body, I’m Sorry…

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Dear Body,

Considering our history, you may find some of the words written here, very difficult to believe. Probably because of the way I used to see you

That does not make them any the less true…

I’m sorry for mocking your dimpled thighs. I wish it was just mocking that needed a mention, but hatred was/is in there too…body 3

You have carried me for 34 long years, and in that time I have done nothing to nourish you. Instead I have pumped you full of junk food, drugs, alcohol and nicotine, just to name a few of many unhealthy substances Read the rest of this entry

Oh What a Night! :0…

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After pondering on a vast number of words and deleting them all

I have just one thing to say

THANKYOU LIFE and ALL that reside in it :)!

(Or maybe 2 or 3 things it seems)

I’m not so thankful for my highly sensitive ‘bits’, but they are there for a reason…

I laughed A LOT last night and it was BLOODY MARVELLOUS!

I plan on doing as much of that as possible, as soon as possible, for as long as possible

Patience is a virtue!

Fear is a foooking nuisance

Hurt is a habit

Faith is a life saver

Once again…THANKS A MILLION 🙂

Love Dawny Xxx

Short Number 41 – A Good Neighbour, An Addict & Their Stairs…

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“Can I help?” 

“I have help, it just looks different, abstract…somewhat scattered”

“Why is it so hard?”

“Because we are making solid ‘rock’ from the energy of thought. That takes time”

“How long will you be?”

“When it’s cooked, it’s cooked”

“Sorry?”

“Neither time nor steps get me to ground zero”

“Only temperature does”

They climb the rest of the steps in silence

(60 words)