Tag Archives: crap

The Top Ten Sell – My Homepage is a Mess!

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After many months off from blogging due to a severe case of writers block, I’m back in tut blogosphere and reading your entries galore as I sometimes do. But; each time I leave my little Gravatar trail with a like or comment, I know there’s a chance the recipient may come back and check out my page. Now here is the problem, I currently have a whole page of utter crap! Yes! All 10 posts on my homepage are either pointless drivvle or snippets of my strange sense of humour, which nobody but me needs. There’s not a point in sight, much less an actual topic, and at least 50%  of the entries don’t even really make sensecrap

I guess it’s not helped by the fact that my blogging is soooo varied, a ‘anything goes’ mentality does allow me to, shall we say experiment. Which is what led me here

My current 10 are truly piss poor and all I can do is hope for a star or two to quell the sadness within (Oh the drama)… as X amount of bloggers stop by, think ‘what the foooook’ is this woman on about, and leave promptly…

Do you ever look at your page and think, God I hope no-one visits today, I’ve written half a foot of toot (rubbish)? A bit like when someone knocks at your door and the house is trashed, its like that

I might have to search for something useful that I’ve written and re-blog the bugger to break it up – the ocean of crap that is. Until then, my writers block continues, therefore, my crap is staying visible for the forseeable future so I better get used to it. Right, enough of this talking to yourself. I better post some more pointless crap 🙂 And here it is!

*sobs*

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Don’t Worry…I’ll Google It! (Pet Peeeev’s)

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phoneMy ‘pet peeeev’ of the year so far has gotta be that bloody phrase we so often hear nowadays

“I’ll google it”

And that’s it for the next 20 minutes …you can kiss goodbye to any old school methods of communication (talking); whilst whoever has a smart phone insists that you snuggle into each others personal space to share the 3 inch screen, all for some crappy and very miniature video or webpage that proclaims to know the answer to everything

Not to mention the meandering onto the other phrase

“Just wait for it to load, it’s hilarious/clever/entertaining”

I really don’t like smart phones…They facilitate rudeness and increase irritation in living rooms all over the land

That is all for now…

Steering Ships Am I Now?? All From The Confines of My Memory Foam

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As I pondered over my uber-shit sailing skills, I almost felt incompetent until I remembered never applying for the job 😉sailor 3

The Sea petrifies me, so I’m hopping off deck (soon)

A Sailor! As if !! (SCoff Scoff Scoff Old Chum)

(Ooops, missed some of that call, just heard Noah shouting star something??? I couldn’t hear him over the 2 tigers roaring)sailor 32

So, I spotted the nearest star and spun the ship rooooond towards it

As I notice 3,000 other stars with a quick whip of the neck, worry sets in

I panic, but then look down at my T-Shirt and see ‘Keep Calm and Go West’

The Co-ordinates and/or compass points are not my forte, so I listened to the team onboard instead, they were singing a 4 part harmony of the classic Welsh anthem ‘Newport’…The Welshie solo’d the line ‘concrete jungle where dreams are made of’ and I hollered

Follow that Green Peace Man to Starsailor

In that sweet moment, I’d realised my buried dream of being a sea-captain! But only if the boats swim sideways…Safety People!

From Rock, To Wi-Fi, To Heat Waves, Voiles and Snoring! OR A Selection of Bilge :)

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Christ Alive! And Seriouslybricks 4 ;/

I know that walls aren’t what they once were

As in; they used to be a foot thick…

Which was dandy!

However, these big old walls could have changed the future forever (See broken woman to the right)

bricks 5

Nowadays, they are in competition with walls as thick as ice cream wafers…disguised as brick

brick 2

Soon, the new housing estates will look like they are situated in the centre of a desert in the Middle East (peak of summer). The strange swirling mist that comes from heat waves, will distort the walls and the owners will put it down to the 45 degree heat…

Until…

Winter arrives; the dwellers become alarmed to see the walls still slopping around, with no heat swirls in sight, and many neighbours buying posh nets from the stall in the street

Because ‘Apparently they keep the heat in’bricks 6

Seriously, I can hear the man snoring loud as a bleeding train, and he lives in a whole ‘nother house!!!!!!!!

At least it was only 169 words of tripe

Mergence of Sarcasm and Magnificence = ‘Life’s Heady Heights’ @ Dawny’s

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SUCCESS is wholly subjective goals 4

When the theme tune for Jeremy Kyle tickles my ear drums, the rush of ‘feel good chemicals’ go wild in the aisles of my brain…and it is in joyful moments like these, when I feel most successful 🙂goals 2

When Meredith’s mother told her to be extraordinary; she didn’t mean an extraordinary surgeon, she meant an extraordinary person!

I wrote the following, when I had the ‘royal hump’ and it’s rather sarcastic and self (+ existence) deprecating! (AND also, sadly true :))

I decided this year was gonna be theeeee year of my life! (After year 33 went a little ‘tits up’ to say the least) Read the rest of this entry

Chemically Induced Writers Block! (‘A Sucks)…

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Chemically induced writers blocksocks 1

Creative juices live in brain socks

Bare feet tip toe around my grey matter

Producing a streamlined flow of chatter

Socks on the toes desensitize me

Socks off the toes sends my grey bits crazy

Quetiapine sucking my dopamine

Rinsing my brain like a grandiose spring clean

Leaving nothing like it was when it was old,

Sucking my emotions til coldsocks

Chemically induced writers block

Stealing my stories, hidden in brain socks

Well I seem to be at a loss for a Title! ;) BILGE alert perhaps?…

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I’ve tried my hand at many things

But a whimsical talented poet doesn’t lie within

However… sometimes, I give it a bash

Here’s what love did – to a pile of cosmic ash!

…..

(THEN)

I wish I knew the way

I wish I knew the route

I wish I knew the everything

But alas, it’s just my heartbeat and some boots

(THEN A BIT LATER)

Luckily for I

He collected me on His way through

He said if I respected my temple

I’d be able to do the DO

(THEN, A LITTLE BIT LATER) Read the rest of this entry

The 333’s of 2013 – Ohhhhh Billy! Did you actually BOOK this Tripe? Love Lola :)

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The 6th story in my little writing challenge for 2013. Each line must begin with a word that starts with the same letter as the last word on the line before it. 3 words in a line, 33 lines in ze story…

WHY? Cos I LOVE the number 3

……….

‘Carrot’s and Peas’

Pairs of people

Parched but watchingfolk 2

‘Wows’…echoed thanks

Theatre their love

‘Lola and Billy’

Boxed up high

He thought impressive

Inept thought Lola

Losing the plot Read the rest of this entry

33 lines of 3’s…Numero 2 – The Waterfall. Eden.

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The second story in my little writing challenge for 2013. Each line must begin with a word that starts with the same letter as the last word on the line before it. 3 words in a line, 33 lines in zee story…

The waterfall mesmorisedwaterfall 1

Many a tourist

Tamzin was surprised

Such strong emotions

Evoked by beauty

Beyond anything previous

(Penzance on Ice)

Ignited her desire

Dancing. Staring. Swimming

Soaking it in

Ingers sat still Read the rest of this entry

Sod is My Middle Name! ;)

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Sod (the 1st) has always been a memorable and talked about public figure, throughout many era’ssods law 5 and periods

His logic and fixed truths have remained both popular and unchanged; even through times of great social unrest and modernisation.

As a prolific law-maker, who focused on ‘mysterious and ironic saga’s’…his name is often mentioned when strange and unfortunate events occur

Examples of his early work include :-sods law 7

– The Odd Sock Phenomena/More Phantom Objects (are) Disappearing ‘Act’ of 1453 (bc)

– Torrential rain for 7 days, in an entire year, but coinciding with your 7 day holiday at the ‘normally sunny EVERYDAY location’

– Over-sleeping for the 1st time ever, and waking to find a coach full of hungry OAP’s, herding around the main entrance to your Public House. Which should have been open for business…10 minutes before…

Sod, Me, Hearts and Minds Read the rest of this entry

The Xmas Present of The Century!!!

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Santa was very kind to me this year!steam

As tragic as this may be – my most favourite gift was a VAX steam cleaner!

The thing is tooooooo cool for words

To say my house was a bit dusty…pre xmas, would be the understatement of the century

I finally gained enough energy to blitz the flat of all surface debris

And then; I spent a bliss-filled hour blasting the living life out of every shelf, fake plant and ornament in sight – with my trusty jet of ‘red hot magic steamy dust killing power’

We age, we change, we fall in love with household cleaners and subsequently; we become the opposite to ‘street’ (wise…)

And finally, when we openly discuss the joys of steamy jets on our posts…We officially become ‘tragic’ in tut Bloggus-Sphere toooooo!

I care not for the judgements 😉steam 1

One day, the young and uber cool will gasp with delight…over a household cleaning product, born of their era.

All in good time…all in good time my youthful friends!

God Bless you VAX!

I is ‘Past it and Proud’ 😉

Short Number 49 – Almost :)

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52 ‘Shorts’ for 2012almost

Each…

50 words limit. A story. A point.

Twas the mission

And here’s the report

48 outta 52 is not a bad score

48 stories…with overtypes galore

I very much enjoyed the task

Sometimes ‘ze shorts’ were quite simply a blast

To break my ‘over-limit’ habit

I’ll end ’49’ …

With a little less rabbit

(5o words EXACTLY :))

Short Number 46 – All the G’s Thankyou Please

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After the Gas incident…

Great and Gregarious Greta Gleaned Glory, Gold Gifts and a pair of Gola trainers that Gok Gleamed at, with Good Golly style Gleegold 1

Gayle; her Gorgeous Great Grand daughter Gasped and Giggled

The Gola’s didn’t Go Great with Geoff’s Gold Gilet

Guffaw Guffaw escaped Gayle’s Gob

(50 words)gold

 

Short Number 45 – Ouch Random Button, You’re Bad for My Ego ;)

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ouch

“Hey author, I just read 5 of your posts and I have no idea what they were about”

“Hey reader, I am aware of the posts in question. I’m afraid I also have no idea”

“But author, you wrote them”

“Oh reader, I know. They are memoirs courtesy of ‘Ms Insanity Pants’. The day you need to worry is the day you relate”

“Oh author, you have a point!”

“Oh reader, I always have a point, just not a great memory”

(Damn you word limit of 50 😉 – 78 words)

Virtual Snow! Smooth :)

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I would like to thank the IT genius’, who bob around in the background doing their ‘thang’ on WordPress

The fact that it is snowing on my stats page, is to me, an ‘ickle miracle!

How cute and marvellous in equal measure!

Let it snow Let it snow Let it snow 🙂

Merry Xmas dear dwellers of tut Bloggusphere

Read the rest of this entry

Short Number 44 – Location Location Location Trumps Again! :)

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Being one of the folk termed mentally ill

Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only one, the odd one out, the one who’s stranger than most etc

HOWEVER, if nations all jumbled their citizens about the world, grouping people together based on mental classificationsmenatl

In one country – I’d be ultra normal :)! We could even re-name them and then…

I’d be a proud Citizen of Mentalist Land

With any luck, we’ll get one of the HOT countries

Life would be a blast 🙂menatl 1

(A shocking over type again – 81 words)

My 3 Irreplaceable Items…Island Life and Death! ;)

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Someone once told me that you can learn an enormous amount about a person’s nature, if you play this little Q) and A) game

You’re stranded on a desert island, and you will be stuck there for a few months (minimum)

What 3 things would you take with you and why?

1) A Nivea lip balm. Mainly because, once you apply the stuff for more than a week, your body stops making ‘lip grease’ (non scientific explanation). I once believed that the body would figure out – that the moisturising effect was coming from outside of me…apparently not. On a dry day, you’re looking at a maximum comfort period of 15 minutes, before they and I begin to crack. My best friend now buys a bulk box of 28 at a time for me (bless him) as he got sick to death of the ‘lip-arama’ that flowed from me, every time I lost 1. I now have 5 in my handbag at all times in case of emergency 😉 Read the rest of this entry

Short Number 43 – If God Was a Pair of Shoes, He’d Be YOUUUUU (2)…:)

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The physical manifestation of a divine presence, has finally been delivered and confirmed through a ‘foot related miracle’!!! 😉

Never again will I question creation

For I’ve been blessed with a tangible and touchable slice of Heaven (courtesy of the textile department [up top])

My soul doth singeth with other worldliness and deep love, each time I see them –

Resting on my rug

…And/Or

Attached to moi, in a ‘heavenly-esque’…’feet meets shoes’ re-union of utter joy and wonderment!

(73 words)

Short Number 42 – Purposefully Confused :)

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The secret to true freedom lies in theories

If you’re confused, you can research a number of explanations for clarity

If you research enough differing theories, ‘reality’ officially becomes a complete mystery

And along comes the greatest cure to the greatest question

Truth?

“I don’t know…Ask me one on sport!” 😉

(50 words)

The Hidden Joys of Pigeons…The Apparent ‘Scum’ of the Bird World ;)

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When I was young I used to be scared of Pigeons, maybe because a family member who will remain nameless (;0)… scattered bird seeds onto the top of my head in the middle of Trafalgar Square; where half of the world’s pigeons ‘hang out’, and my skull got pecked to buggery by about 15 of the swine’s!

English: London: Trafalgar square, pigeons Pig...

English: London: Trafalgar square

Anyhoo, now that I’m a big girl, I’m kinda in love with birds, and in particular…Pigeons

Here’s why

1. I love the way they shoot their heads back and forth (horizontal like) when they walk around

2. When I look at the skinny-ness of their legs, I’m baffled at the miracle that is –

‘A pigeon walking’…

How those little sticks support the weight of their well rounded selves, I just don’t know!

3. Their beady little eyes come in 3rd

And that is pretty much it…Not a lot to go on, but these 3 little things make me love them. I often stop in the street to watch in wonderment, if I see one strutting his/her stuff! Check out this little chap in action, and next time you’re in need of witnessing a miracle…Remember to look at those matchstick legs and the rules of physics and mass! They defy all logic, which renders their ability to walk, firmly in the ‘magical and miraculous’ arena of life

Just a thought – Maybe their legs are prone to successfully holding them up, because they are knee-less!

Enjoy

Upon further inspection, it looks like they have knees in their upper thighs! Go Figure 😉