Tag Archives: humour

Geezer Birds and Camp Alpha Males

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I’ve never really been a girly girl on a large-scale. Don’t get me wrong, I adore shoes, I love an excuse to put a spangly dress on, and I probably have more clothes and handbags than Vera Wang herself

I also have zero tolerance for anyone touching my hair in case they mess with the direction of my curls, and/or pushing my eye brow hair in the wrong direction!

BUT….

I have always been the token lad when I’m hanging out with the boys… a poker playing, mischievous, direct, semi alcoholic, adrenaline seeking, bossy sod! And I don’t exactly exude that age-old feminine trait – vulnerability.

Also; when I blow my nose I reckon it’s a good 50 decibels louder than your average chick. Read the rest of this entry

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The Wind, The Trust, The ability to Thrust! ;)

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As the old saying goes…

“I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him”

I feel a couple of sub-questions should be addressed, before any action is taken…

a) Am I physically capable of picking up and throwing a fellow humanoid?

b) Is throwing somebody (across the road/over a wall) a realistic solution to any issues relating to trust?

If you come up with 2 ‘No’s’… the old saying becomes somewhat defunct!

So I say – Throw caution to the wind

‘Trust until your strong enough to Thrust (an adult sized human), into any sorta swaying breeze!”

Never say my advice is not golden! 🙂

Excuse Invalid…Coupon expired some time ago!

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Ok…I’m throwing out a bit of a generalisation here, and I mean not to offend, but I can’t help but think that some people are using their childhood baggage as an excuse to be an adult asshole, when the reasons they state for their dysfunction, no longer wash!

Survivor

I say this with a fair amount of my own ‘suitcases of crap’; that I and life have filled along my travels. I didn’t grow up in the London version of the ‘Waltons’ mountain top dream home/family, as I’m sure most people didn’t

They say ‘kids bounce back quickly’, and now I’m an adult I would have to say that this is only partly true. When we turn 18, or 21 or 30 or 60, we don’t have some magical erase button that wipes the slate clean…We are all grubby little slabs, affected by events of old days

However, bar the severely autistic, as adults we know at least some of the social rules that guide us through life. We know right from wrong, and most of us know what we are doing/being, when we behave like spoilt children Read the rest of this entry

The Final Chauvinistic Frontier! ;)

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Xed LeHead - Tattoo Artist

What is it about tattoo artists, that seems to make them all soooo bloody moody?

I have 3 tattoo’s and the ink from all 3 was injected by a miserable, awkward, temperamental, mildly spoilt and very un-smily bloke!

They don’t like it when you dare to question their design…God Forbid! (It’s only a commitment on the same time scale of marriage and the ‘snip’, except worse, as no reversal operation that actually works properly is available)…And even though each artist has had no problem telling me that my design was aesthetically shite, they all really did not like to be second guessed on theirs.

Such double standards 😉 Read the rest of this entry

God and ‘Boots the Chemist’ are making me a better person! Together :)

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I went insane recently on a level previously unseen by most of mankind, many 3000 word posts can be found in my archives that reflect my utterly doo-la-lee state of mind, should you be interested.

During this period, in an attempt to regain my sanity… I read several books, one of which was called ‘Conversations with God’ and there was a sentence in there which made me realise that it’s never too late to change, little by little, if you want to

I can’t remember his exact words but the basic gist was this…

‘Decide to do better, and get on with it’

I loved it! It may seem an obvious route to being a more evolved person, but there was something about the words that highlighted the simplicity of changing your ways…

Then I remembered a phrase from a Boots campaign – ‘Change one thing at a time’

Then I looked outside at my ‘Vote Green Party’ poster, proudly blue tacked to my wall, and I decided my thing to change that day was to stop using 50 carrier bags every time I go shopping. Read the rest of this entry

Short Number 27 – Face Value

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On face value

Off face value

The enjoyable interaction = The enjoyable interaction

Except one is underpinned by trust, respect, thoughts, loyalty, kindness, honesty, highs and lows, impact…and these are the insides in the ball of love

The other is underpinned by by by by? = nothing + duplicitous behaviour +  an off cut from loves cloth

Word Count – 50

Eugenics without murder = Ladette to Lady

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Rosemary is a chef, food enthusiast and TV per...

For any of you that are not aware of this delightful television program – The general gist is to improve the behaviour of a selection of ‘out of control girls’; via methods that were used in the finishing schools of the 19th century.

Please note the main goal for the girls participating in this program, is to become a clone of Rosemary Shrager.

During their stay at the mansion of change, they are taught how to dress; how to speak; how to laugh; when to laugh; how to cook; how to sew buttons onto shirts; how to arrange flowers… and how to not get your boobies out in public.

This television programme (although mildly entertaining) is like a giant kick in the teeth to every suffragette. And to all the women who burnt their bras, and tied themselves to gates and fences in order to secure the female vote.

I believe there is mass grave turning happening every Thursday evening from 8 ‘til 9pm

For me, this program is nothing more than a training package to become – A successful candidate for the Stepford wives club Read the rest of this entry

Littlebeut333 wants to ‘Change The World’…Ohhhh yes she does! ;)

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Advice fit for the Butt-hole? Or the Bee’s Knees of The Ball?

invocation 22, channel 7, deal 4, trick J; con...    I was going to write a short description about my views on changing the world…However, I know how quickly we humans dismiss opinion if it doesn’t fit with our own ideology and experiences… So I will just tell you some things about me, that I think may sway you into thinking I might have a point or two.

I am a 12-year-old pensioner. I vote Conservative, Green’s, Labour and BNP. I’m an Asian, White, Greek, Aborigine bar working prostitute, and also a director at British Telecom. In the evenings I read ‘The Times’ and I watch porn. I love the Dalai Lama, but also Jeremy Kyle and buying shares. I’m upper class, middle class, under class scum. I grew up in a palace with its own moat, situated on the back of a council housing estate; and I practice a mixture of Buddhism, Bettyism, and hard-core Eugenics. I don’t drink or smoke, and I only take crack on Tuesdays. I love champagne, especially when accompanied by Sainsbury’s basics’s tuna in brine. I’m a man, woman, trans-gender, bi sexual, straight geezer bird. I love grey parrots and baby baboons, but I campaign for the culling of all other wildlife in the name of commerce. I empty my chip pan fat down the sink.

(are you all covered and IN with me yet?) ;)

OK, now I’ve got your attention, I’ll tell you that I have been called ‘A wise old soul’ more than 3 times in my life! Read the rest of this entry

“If your partner is ‘Crazy’, run for the hills” (The World, 2012) … How Rude!

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Cover of "Crazy People"

That would be everyone then?

I decided to do a little bit of research into my love life a few weeks ago

And I typed ‘why am I attracted to crazy people’ into Google. (Please note, I wasn’t presuming I am remotely sane when I typed it…So it was more a ‘2 way’ research jobby ;))

Anyhoo, by the time I’d reached the bottom of page 2, I was a broken woman!

Firstly, it would seem that only women are deemed nutters, as every bleeding article for 2 pages was about crazy women…I’ve met my fair share of nutters and around half were male! As you might expect

Second…There was advice from a whole range of people – laymen, the experienced and broken hearted. The young, the old, and the professional experts…they all had something to say

The advice varied enormously, but the final thoughts added up to the same thing EVERY SINGLE TIME…

‘If your partners crazy run for the hills!’ (Summarised)

If you replaced crazy with ‘black’ or ‘wheelchair bound’, there would be 68 petitions banning the article… directly underneath it

But ohhhh no, not for the crazy people, leave them to rot ay? Even psychologists are throwing out this advice

Such empathy and warmth? Read the rest of this entry

Take everything, Just leave the SHOES… for Betty’s Sake!

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Working slap bang in the middle of the city centre is depleting my tiny savings pot, at a ‘rapido’ rate

Why?

Shoes Shoes Shoes

I am obsessed, I have just purchased the cutest pair of shoes I think I’ve ever seen. Check ’em out, they’re called Gracie incase you wanna talk to them.

They remind me of Minnie Mouse and those black and white checked dresses from the 60’s

I’d go as far as to say they are orgasmic!

The trouble is, when I buy a pair of NEW SHOES 🙂 I wear them around the house, normally with my tracky bottoms or pyjamas; and I like to do this for at least 2 weeks after purchasing them

However, I have bought 4 pairs in the last 2 weeks (I have no self-control at the mo)…and I don’t know which one’s to gush over first

Ohhhhhh the problems!!!

All is well now (you can stop worrying ;))…I’m back, I’ve lined them all up in the lounge in front of me and I’m ‘twizling’ my foot, not just any foot, my foot.. Read the rest of this entry

Short Number 13 – It’s my alter ego, silly!

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“I’m not crying”

Water dropping from a tap.

Mrs Leaky, In all her glory!

   “Yes you are, you’ve been crying for days”

  

“It’s not me”

   “I have another personality you see”

   “Meet tap…Leaking tap”

“I’ll get you a new washer”

“Don’t bother, they all snap with the pressure, we don’t install them anymore”

(“This little tap of mine, i’m gonna let it cry, let it cry, let it cry, let it crrrrry”!)

(62 words) (woops)

Why use words, if you can ‘Ram Raid’ instead?

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What is the world coming to?

Last night, I was having a little session with Amy and my stereo for about half an hour, I’ll grant you it wasn’t on the quietest volume; but it wasn’t excessively loud! AND I respect the 11pm rule of silence… even though I live at opposite ends of the time continuum to the rest of the world, and screaming children at 7am; and arguments about who is gonna do the milk trip, are just as destructive to my sleep patterns, as music is past 11pm, for the normal people

It was approximately 7pm when a mini earthquake struck my lounge!

Being as I’m psychotic at the moment, it wasn’t the best phenomena for me to ponder over…I seriously thought I had morphed into a whole new land of new insanity, when everything began shaking. NOTE – I turned the music down immediately to investigate the drama

I have a little cupboard directly behind my TV stand which houses my electricity and gas meters. The newish neighbours next door who are too rude to say hello, began smashing some kind of heavy weapon against their side of my cupboard. I’m not sure what their weapon was but the door on the cupboard was forcing its way into the room, and pushing my television off the stand inch by inch with every blow. The glass shelf under the TV fell down, DVDs flew in every direction…and THEN a fucking great lump of concrete FLEW outta the cupboard and landed on my GLASS TV stand! Read the rest of this entry

Ten Line Tootys! Come play in ze hay ;) Writing Challenge 4 (2012)

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English: 'Art is Crap' - 35 x 60cm - digital p...

How Rude! 🙂

I’ve made up a game; as I’m 33 years old I’m gonna call it a writing challenge

Please come and play with me; word-pressers of the world

The Rules to each TEN LINE TOOTY

  1. Choose ten random sentences, from your last ten posts (1 from each)
  2. Put them together in date order (newest at the top) and then you have to make a coherent story out of them, with as few fill words as possible!
  3. Highlight the random sentences in your post

I will be the marker…I’m a very nice marker 😉 (I joke)

Play play yay?

Here’s my first shot at a TEN LINE TOOTY! (I’ll stick these on my Dawny’s mini seriessss page when I’ve stopped wallowing in mental health pity!)

The Start

The Third Meeting for NHS Service Users and Healthcare Professionals

The Agenda

1)      The discussion of the new ‘anti loon’ pills trial

2)      The current side effects of arthritic medication

3)      The Art donations for the month

Persons Present – Dr Hall, Dr Pratrowski (assisting Dr Hall). Services Users Annie; Brenda; Sarah; Amy; and Harry Read the rest of this entry

‘Psychosis is a necessity; for the emotional development of certain people’?(Moi, 2012)

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Love, Life and Feelings

I think it would be a fair generalisation to say that : – People who suffer from periods of psychosis, tend to be thinkers. Not just in bouts of insanity; but all the time…

I’ve just mind meandered onto this odd theory/definition of psychosis…

‘Psychosis is a necessity; for the emotional development of certain people’ 😉 (Moi, 2012)

Thinkers can fall into the trap of over thinking and under feeling. If you’re a thinker, you’re likely a problem solver… and before you know it, you’ve totally lost touch with your feelings because you’ve rationalised the shit out of; not feeling anything

But when delusions loom, in my experience…they are always intrinsically linked to 3 things

Fear/Terror

Shame

Pain

For me at least, these 3 categories cover everything that I choose not to dwell on as a thinker. Everything I don’t want to feel sits under these umbrellas… Read the rest of this entry

‘Amy and The Mice’ – An Alternative Take

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English: Baby mice about a day old

Of all the Amy Winehouse footage to cause a wave of disapproval, this video sits up there with best of them

In order to see the beauty that I see in this scene, you must first remove the judgements you already have about Crack and its use (although it is worth noting that Crack is probably the most likely drug to cause aggression). If you can’t remove your judgements; try swopping the word crack for wine (which also causes aggressive outbursts)

And re-classify her status more loosely; as a little bit ‘worse for wear’ (legally of course)

Then check out the video Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty on drugs – YouTube.

Or read the manuscript below, complete with stage cues and action descriptions

What I see is : – heart, endless wit, depth of passion, fun, boundless amounts of life, imagination, creativity, laughter, beauty, friendship, a unique and highly sweet soul, the interaction of two friends, love, vulnerability, fascination, curiosity, loyalty, care and protection…This is what I see, black fingers or no black fingers. Can you?

(Amy is in green, Pete in orange, Both together in red)

Amy collects a box of baby mice from the back of the room Read the rest of this entry

Short Number 12 – The Exception to the Rule of Gift Exchanges

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“I know I said you should always accept gifts graciously darling”

“Yes yes, I know I said you should keep them too”

“But there’s always one; one exception to the rule”

“Always”

“Please Mum…Pleeeease”

“Darling, it doesn’t go with the wallpaper, sorry”

Français : bonbons colorés English: colored sweets

“Would you like some sweeties instead my little cherub?”

(51 words)

If you can’t get a life; At least reach for some thoughts…you ‘Bitter Buggers!’ ;)

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Revenge of the Zombies

Evolve people PLEASE! For Betty's Sake!

As a rule, I’m not a judgy person

I have an ability to see two sides of most situations; so when I see someone behaving like a twat, I can normally find some inner mercy for their idiot views/behaviours. Cos we’re all the way we are; because of where we’ve been and what happened when we got there!

However

My blind spot lies in my upbringing in Jolly Old Leytonstone. For all the many cultures I lived amongst, for all the differences I’ve bounced between, there was a steady message that permeated the lot in sunny East London, back in the day…

You DO NOT grass!

And you certainly DO NOT grass to the powers that be…

Unfortunately this little lesson didn’t reach 120 miles down the road

TRAGIC, in the eyes of Dawny…

During the last hose pipe ban in Norfolk, 35,000 people made the effort to sign onto the web, type in ‘Grass hotline number for Anglian Sewerage Co please’…and then they paid 20p to grass their next door neighbour up, for washing their car!

WTF??? Do any of you even know who has a hose pipe or an outside tap in your street? Read the rest of this entry

Oh My Gaaaawd! An actual AWARD! ;)

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Well…would you christmas eve it?

I’ve only gone and got an actual AWARD for….

The Bilge that Spills from These ‘ere Hills! I would like to thank Vicki Annison of The Kiwi Blog Bus, for being an absolute gem and making my week by awarding me this little trophy for my E-mantlepiece! The versatile blogger award. As I told Vicki yesterday, I was/am shocked and chuffed in equal measure.

Smiling can imply a sense of humour and a stat...

Me, CHUFFED!

And very humbled.

When I first started blogging I honestly thought no-one would read my self-indulgent opinionated crap/profound wisdom. But it would seem that you crazy people of a certain niche (niche name: the especially wonderful people) actually enjoy my squit!

I’m basquing in the heat of appreciation; and I am toasty toasty tooooasty!

Thankyou Ms Annison of the KIWI bus :)…http://kiwiblogbus.com/2012/03/14/versatile-blogger-award-id-like-to-thank/

Now i’ll get onto the rules bit….

About the Versatile Blogger’s Award

The Versatile Blogger’s Award is a way for bloggers to support each other and recognize versatile, interesting and helpful blogs. There are a few rules to follow when you accept the award.

  • Thank the person who nominates you and link back to them in your posts.
  • Share seven random facts about yourself.
  • Pass this award along to as many as 15 blogs you enjoy reading and let them know about the award.

7 things you DONT know about me…This could be tricky, being as my life story can be found amongst the 150 or so posts I’ve written, but here goes… Read the rest of this entry

Short Number 10 – The Student got a… ‘Ology’!… Really? How un-apt! ;)

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English: LCF short course business student

4,724th Essay

Caressed in a Fortress

Obsessed, Suppressed, Distressed, Blessed, Depressed

Confessed…

Stressed, Countless, Boundless, Fearless, Princess

3 years on, she was…An essayed out mess

At the end

They said she got a something… ‘ology’!; I think

Psy? or Bi?… I think

I thought she clearly deserved an ‘essed’!

Minimum

Just my opinion…;)

(50 words)

Short Number 9 (I think)…Catch me if meow can!

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A house cat named Milky meows when get caught ...

Catch me if meow can Mother Fucker!

The predator came again (yawn)

The Hunter, The Stalker, The Trier, The God of the Web Pilferer’s…The Leader of the Western Plates

The Wilder-Peast!!!

But; where oh where was the prize?

“She’s a quick as a fucking cat that one”

Overhearing the Peast, she meow’d with delight and ran…

“Catch me if meow can”

She Sang!

(55 words)