Tag Archives: memories

A Letter to My Fix…Addicts and Bandages

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Dear best friend and worst enemy,

Someone asked me about you last week. About what you do for fix 7me and what exactly our relationship to each other is. Whilst you remain indifferent, incapable of caring about which one of us randomer’s uses you; I am somewhat more attached to us and our rendezvous’… Firstly, it was just me and you back when my life was nothing more than a living breathing nightmare, straight from the fiery pits of hell, and worthy of a thousand great horror stories. Me and you. You were the only vehicle capable of taking me between 2 worlds and back to this one again. It was me and you here when all those miracles occurred in front of my eyes, no denying them, or their pure unadulterated life changing essence. You were there when I was too shy to show my other best friends who I had become.

Now I have no idea who I am anymore; so your filling the gap between self acceptance and self-expression until further notice or further bravery, whichever comes first.

Back then, You were there when I couldn’t lfix 8ift my head up off the arm of the chair; when the only time I moved was to go to the loo. When I was so depressed it was an effort to breathe and a daily battle with suicidal fantasies. Yes. Fantasies. I wanted nothing more than to die back then. Read the rest of this entry

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‘Blessing My Blessings’…From Facts To Feeling,

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In the quest to cheer the fooook up before I keel over….I have, on numerous occasions, written lists of all my blessings and I have to say; I’m lucky to have a pretty long list. However, I don’t think a name/one word summary does many favours to covey the richness and depth of goodness, that some of the people and things on my list, bring to my life.

BlessingsThe trouble with lists :- When I read the list back to myself, I can’t help but feel like, the act of blessing the blessings’  (giving them the level of appreciation they deserve and hold), gets minimized and becomes almost mechanical. FEELING gratitude rather than NOTING gratitude, make for 2 very different states of mind

Sooooo, ramble ramble, the long and short of it is – I am going to try to capture the essence of the people and circumstances on my list, one at a time…I am going to savour slowly, all that I have, by really digging down into each separate person or place, noting their qualities, our experiences, our memories, and anything else that I associate with the people on my list

Read the rest of this entry

Medicated Memories…I’m Everything Without Contents!

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I’m angry without the anger

I care with flatlined clichéd pity

Without others I could slip by, abandoned

What is a soul without memories

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In solace I know I’ve been stolen

Repressing all that makes me

Pushing away my spirited version of chatter

Sitting firmly on top of rusty springs

Bearing heavy….Heavy on the heart

*** Read the rest of this entry

The Cat is Out Of The Bag :(

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Any comments, details, information or advice would be much appreciated, given the dynamics

I can no longer blind my eyes to it everywhere I look, everywhere I listen, everything I read and all the double meaning chatter, is there for a reason, but is it truth or pretend plan a.b.c.d?The Cat's Out of the Bag by John Kahn

The reality that is constantly showing itself to me, is far too sick and shocking for a person to take

It is entirely possible that ‘the schizophrenic card’ is at work, but my gut tells me otherwise!

Can something so ugly really have been going on? Still going on?

Dear Old Friends of Mine, I’m ready to listen and I shall be slow and meticulous in the art of ‘discernment’

For the Babies who did not ask to be born

I guess not then… and Thank God it was a story, a sick one, but just a story it was, or maybe a daydream, or the description of someone’s nightmares

 

A Great Philosopher Once Wrote…A Poem

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poetA poem begins with a painful emotion

Always and Forever

A poem tells a story, but the words present themselves a new in prose

Always and Forever

A poet is a soul who is torn and lost

Always and Forever

Poetry adds invisibility and ambiguity to every word chosen

Always and Forever

A poem is inspired by two things…regret or pain

Always and Forever Read the rest of this entry

I Want To Be A Tree!

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From seed to enlightment, I hope we’ll all be trees

English: tree                            A lifetimes worth of avenues, littered with coloured leaves

All that we do, make our rings

               All that we learn ring the rings, we get wider, sturdier

as our essence find solid Read the rest of this entry

Our Forever Changing ‘Shadow of Self’ – The Two Wolves

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Twice this week I have come across a quote you’ve probably all heard

“A fight is going on inside me,” said an old man to his son. “It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good. he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The samwolvese fight is going on inside you.”

The son thought about it for a minute and then asked, “Which wolf will win?” 

The old man replied simply, “The one you feed.”
Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

This got me thinking about a section from the book – ‘Conversations with God’…It basically said that due to the human need for duality (which is required in order to find meaning in this life) God is, and always has been ‘ALL OF IT’.

He (or Life) created on Earth a system including…good and bad, lies and truth, jowolves 3y and pain, morals and anarchy, gluttony and hunger, poverty and riches etc. He (or life) created these opposites so that we may know ourselves, and also re-define ourselves as we change and grow. We do this by relating our traits to the attributes of the 2 wolves

This got me thinking about our shadows

Read the rest of this entry

After I was Broken, I Learnt About Before…

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Before I judge, I try to really look

Before I see, I remember the manuscript was longer than the book

Before I decide, I ask myself what makes me an expert

Before I classify, I realise complexity makes a recipe for a convert

Before I write you off, I remember how painful life can be

Before I label, I know that no-one understands you like He

Before anything, I know there is context, circumstance, reason and feeling

Before lectures, I try wondering how you might be reeling

Before damnation, I ask myself why you could be lying

Before giving up on you, I realise when you’re lying, you’re not crying Read the rest of this entry

Diarrhoea…Cucumber Lane and BODMAS! Watch out WORLD!!!! :)

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It’s odd what we remember and what we forget don’t ya think? spell

Take your schooling, and I’m sure after 5 minutes of thinking about your memories of all those past lessons; you will see that the things you remember have very little to do with helpfulness or importance

My memory is particularly useless! So; I can recall about 3 facts from school, which is kinda dire when you consider the number of years we all spend there

One day my teacher read a letter to the class. It was from a Mother, describing why little Johnny was too ill to come to school

Johnny had a dose of diarrhoea and after 3 goes at spelling diarrhoea, all crossed out a bit like this

dierrspelling

diaare

dyarr

The Mother gave up trying to spell it correctly, and under the scribbled out attempts, she wrote – ‘The Shits’ 🙂 Oh how this tickled me… Read the rest of this entry

3’s 33’s 333’s of 2013 – Oliver joins the circle…ESP at it’s most beautiful :)

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The 3rd story in my little writing challenge for 2013. Each line must begin with a word that starts with the same letter as the last word on the line before it. 3 words in a line, 33 lines in zee story…

Johnny was mutepsychic

mesmerised and overwhelmed

Oliver made contact

Couch potato extraordinaire

Everybody had goosebumps

Greatness seldom seen

Sicily. Motorbikes. Tomatoes

Tears filled Johnny

Jill was crying Read the rest of this entry

Dear Psychosis…I’ll have my songs back now!!! Thank-you Please!

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I shan’t dwell on the hell of last year, courtesy of a whopping dose of psychotic insanity (I call her/it ‘Ms Psychosis’)…except to tell you that when she comes at you in full force, she steals all of your previous links to memories old and new; and ‘shats’ all over them with her own scary and wholly negative version, of fowl smelling poop!psycho 1

She leaves no stone unturned, no niche untouched… and Ms Psychosis done a sterling job of turning all 506 songs on my iPod, into 506 poxy triggers.

Sooooooo; I’ve decided that I don’t want her infecting my playlists anymore. And I’ve told her she is on the way to being phased right outta town

The triggers don’t just disappear unfortunately, you have to boot them out with gusto, over a period of time

So, when the song begins, it now gets 5 seconds to be a sign of insidious evil squit, and the following 3 or 4 minutes are dedicated to remembering the old and marvellous memories, that come with each and every song that I love…

Sooooooooooo…Ms Psychosis, you get 5 seconds now…and soon you’ll be down to 2!

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Biatch 🙂

Chortle Chortle…Ich Liebe Dich/ 50 Press Ups and Run For Your Life! ;)

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My Wunderbar sister Lil Trissus, showed me this little E-card yesterday, which made me chuckle my ass off ;). When I first heard ‘I Love You’ in German (Ich Liebe Dich), it did indeed sound more like a military command than an expression of love…

When I finally stopped chuckling at the E-card (below)

She followed with this highly amusing ‘Shit Happens’ list…It defines the exact meaning of ‘Shit Happens’, from just about every religious and philosophical viewpoint known to man.

Dooooooo Enjoy! 🙂

german

AND ze ‘Shit Happens’ list can be found ere – http://www.fprintf.net/isms.html

Happy Saturday Peeps 🙂

Short Number 45 – Ouch Random Button, You’re Bad for My Ego ;)

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ouch

“Hey author, I just read 5 of your posts and I have no idea what they were about”

“Hey reader, I am aware of the posts in question. I’m afraid I also have no idea”

“But author, you wrote them”

“Oh reader, I know. They are memoirs courtesy of ‘Ms Insanity Pants’. The day you need to worry is the day you relate”

“Oh author, you have a point!”

“Oh reader, I always have a point, just not a great memory”

(Damn you word limit of 50 😉 – 78 words)

Mr Rurch and Mr Shamone – The Destruction Derby of All Time!

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I was talking to a friend last week about ‘morning stress’…

We covered the common pitfalls, such as :-

– Sleeping through the alarm clock

– Falling back to sleep and dreaming that you are getting ready for work

– Scraping the ice off of the car windscreen for 20 minutes

– Going to work with blobs of toothpaste all over your shirt

– Forgetting the important meeting on the day you look like shit on a stick

– Staying up all night raving, and going into work at 5am to make sandwichcats 4es a little too well oiled

But this little story surely trumps them all when it comes to –

The worst morning surprise ever!!!

I was working as a waitress (in a cocktail bar, when I met you)…Sorry, sidelined to the song there

Anyhoo…I had 20 minutes ’til I had to leave and I was watching a bit of morning TV and smoking a fag. To paint the scene properly, I’ll tell you that I live in a very small flat and from my spot on the sofa, I can see the hallway and the kitchen. My two cats were beating each other up in the hallway (nothing new there) and after a few stationary swipes, the running after each other began again in earnest, and they came tearing through the lounge and into the kitchen at around 50mph…(I kid you not, they sound like buffalo charging when they’re in full speed mode, and I think they come from a long line of Cheetah’s, as opposed to your standard moggy’s!) Read the rest of this entry

See Them, Thank Them, Forgive Them…

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As adults, we realise that our parents are not perfecttopo late

We realise that they make mistakes

We realise they are human

We realise that they did their best, whatever that was when we were growing up

When they were still growing up

Tell them they are forgiven

Thank them for doing their best

Thank them for the million sacrifices they made to give you life

I hope that no-body lives the reality of this song. One day it will be too late to tell them, ‘cos they’ll be gone

A song to a father, from his broken hearted daughter

To my Mum and Dad – I love you more than life itself…and what I realise most of all, is that I am blessed to belong to you. Thank-you for giving me life Xxx

Gone Too Soon! 3 Legends in 3 Years

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Whitney – How could anybody not be transfixed by such talent and beauty. Truly a face and a voice you could get lost in forever. A pitch perfect picture perfect princess! Whitney dragged me through childhood and adolescence and out to the other side.

Michael Jackson – Another deep musical love of mine that developed in my teens. And this performance, in my opinion, is MJ at his best. The expression on his face when he is singing the last-minute; captures his magic, his talent and his passion in its entirety. It often brings me to tears; and it moves me to my very core… Read the rest of this entry

My 3 Irreplaceable Items…Island Life and Death! ;)

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Someone once told me that you can learn an enormous amount about a person’s nature, if you play this little Q) and A) game

You’re stranded on a desert island, and you will be stuck there for a few months (minimum)

What 3 things would you take with you and why?

1) A Nivea lip balm. Mainly because, once you apply the stuff for more than a week, your body stops making ‘lip grease’ (non scientific explanation). I once believed that the body would figure out – that the moisturising effect was coming from outside of me…apparently not. On a dry day, you’re looking at a maximum comfort period of 15 minutes, before they and I begin to crack. My best friend now buys a bulk box of 28 at a time for me (bless him) as he got sick to death of the ‘lip-arama’ that flowed from me, every time I lost 1. I now have 5 in my handbag at all times in case of emergency 😉 Read the rest of this entry

Please heal my friend, an Angel of mine

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Please scatter her sleep with dreams divine

Please infiltrate her pain with scenes sublime

Please trigger the memories that strengthen her spine

Please let her know she’s committed no crime

Please bring her your love through each wave, and all time

Please heal my friend…an angel of mine

Please open her heart and leave her eyes blind

Please give her your blinkers, allow her to hide

Please give her your arms when she breaks down and cries

Please fill her with peace when she just can’t abide Read the rest of this entry

Social Status, Success and Happiness – Love like a Lioness

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When I was little, my Mum told me over and over that all she ever wanted me to be – was happy

I went through a phase of wishing that instead, she had told me she wanted me to chase my dreams.

Then I learnt some lessons, gained some knowledge, and experienced an awakening inside me…of ‘God’ and of ‘Spirituality’. It produced a feeling so far past perfection, there are no words to describe it, no words to do justice to the moment, no route out of it, or away from it. I sobbed tears of pure joy…This moment alone, made me what I am, and made my life somehow, already complete

If I go back a bit in time; I spent some years in the rat race, until illness took me out of it; and before I felt that feeling, I was struggling to keep up with the rest of the world, failing miserably and marching towards finishing my degree and getting a ‘good job’. Thinking I’d be happy if I could just get those 2 things ‘sorted’.

But; back to that feeling…It was love, unity, peace and maybe just maybe, it was a brief moment spent in the spandangly wonder that is the ‘One-ness’. For that moment, the upper level of the experience was perfection in its purest form…and the under current was a safe and warm message that ‘everything is OK’ Read the rest of this entry