Tag Archives: musings

A Letter to My Fix…Addicts and Bandages

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Dear best friend and worst enemy,

Someone asked me about you last week. About what you do for fix 7me and what exactly our relationship to each other is. Whilst you remain indifferent, incapable of caring about which one of us randomer’s uses you; I am somewhat more attached to us and our rendezvous’… Firstly, it was just me and you back when my life was nothing more than a living breathing nightmare, straight from the fiery pits of hell, and worthy of a thousand great horror stories. Me and you. You were the only vehicle capable of taking me between 2 worlds and back to this one again. It was me and you here when all those miracles occurred in front of my eyes, no denying them, or their pure unadulterated life changing essence. You were there when I was too shy to show my other best friends who I had become.

Now I have no idea who I am anymore; so your filling the gap between self acceptance and self-expression until further notice or further bravery, whichever comes first.

Back then, You were there when I couldn’t lfix 8ift my head up off the arm of the chair; when the only time I moved was to go to the loo. When I was so depressed it was an effort to breathe and a daily battle with suicidal fantasies. Yes. Fantasies. I wanted nothing more than to die back then. Read the rest of this entry

Life…Pessimist, Realist and a Jolly Deluded Soul Discuss Ages 0-30

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What are life’s biggest universal lessons from the age of 0 – 20 years old?

Pessimist – To learn how to become mildly tolerable to other humans, whilst maintaining the wholly narcissistic qualities we were all born with. Perfecting selfish methods to get whatever self-serving gift we want, whilst life throws crap at us. Crap after crap after more crap that is

Realist – To learn how to speak, think, act and do a variety of tasks; guided by parents, leaders anpessd teachers who hope we will leave school as an independent and reliable ‘social skivvy’s/Capitalist servant’…

Jolly-ist – The wonder years…No responsibilities, our ‘free-est’ time, school days are the best days of your life etc. Childhood is when and where we see the world with beauty, innocence, laughter and love. And the world gives us beauty, innocence, laughter and love back (and a few lessons)

How about years 20 – 30?

Pessimist – 10 years of chasing love with all the wrong people, overcoming the addiction of dating monsters fopess 2r the drama addiction. Realising the true hell of working 40 hours a week in a job you despise. Learning that there are a very limited number of positions in society that allow true happiness to flourish. Destroy approx 50% of one’s brain cells, consuming copious amounts of drugs/alcohol and fags Read the rest of this entry

I Will Be Your Eyes Until You Can ‘See’ Everything…

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They sat in English class together, paying no attention to the teachers speech, nor to ‘Of Mice and Men’. They were gassing like their lives depended on it!

“What is blue like?” she askedblind

“Blue is running as fast as you can into the waves, it is diving head first into the rushing sea. Blue is freezing cold lips that come from a night out in the snow, or from sucking an ice lolly hard and fast.”

“White?”

“White is the colour of innocence. White is unusual, as it holds all the other colours within it, yet it is almost colorless in appearance. White is a newly fitted, pristine kitchen with a fridge, freezer, washing machine and dishwasher. White is cotton wool, and the grainy texture of the chalk they use for writing on a blackboard”

“Red? What is red like?”

“Red is a boiling hot camp fire on a winter’s night. Red is the colour of passion and of angst. Red is a racy looking lady on a saturday night up town. Red is all lips and kisses. Water is see through and blood is red. When you feel the slight thickness of blood against water, you feel red”

“What are you like?” she asked…smiling

“When I’m being categorised according to my skin colour, I am white, but not like the white I described. I am actually a peachy pinky beige if we’re gonna get a little detailed about it :)” Read the rest of this entry

You!!! Wonderful Awesome Life Transforming You…You!!!

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You are wise and loving, gentle and tender

You took my will, and said “I will bend her”

You turned me into a blade of grassgrass 1

Pushed that through concrete to prove I can last

Not for the purpose of others, no matter who

This journey has been about just me and You

My best friend, my beloved, my forever protector

Illuminating wisdom on our virtual projector

Leading me or leaving me up front, balanced to perfection

Sometimes you took the blow first, softened the rejectiongrass 2 Read the rest of this entry

Yoga for The Toes and Fingers Anyone? Here’s hoping! :)

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Anyone who knows me well will not hesitate to confirm that I am a die-hard hater of exercise

Because

1. I hate sweating

exercise2. Due to a damaged nervous system, I sweat profusely from one side of my body only (having 2 sweaty pits looks like you’ve worked hard…One sweaty pit and you look like a freak, added to this, is the right side of my back being soaked whilst the left stays dry. I’m proper self-conscious about it

3. I don’t dig physical exertion at all

4. When you hate something, the brain is not clever enough to know you (apparently) secretly love it (as experts will have you believe). When your conscious thoughts about it are wholly negative, I believe the apparent endorphin rush expected during or after exercise is an alien concept. Feel good chemicals need feel good vibes

5. I always have something better to do when exercise is offered as the only other alternative Read the rest of this entry

‘Blessing My Blessings’…From Facts To Feeling,

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In the quest to cheer the fooook up before I keel over….I have, on numerous occasions, written lists of all my blessings and I have to say; I’m lucky to have a pretty long list. However, I don’t think a name/one word summary does many favours to covey the richness and depth of goodness, that some of the people and things on my list, bring to my life.

BlessingsThe trouble with lists :- When I read the list back to myself, I can’t help but feel like, the act of blessing the blessings’  (giving them the level of appreciation they deserve and hold), gets minimized and becomes almost mechanical. FEELING gratitude rather than NOTING gratitude, make for 2 very different states of mind

Sooooo, ramble ramble, the long and short of it is – I am going to try to capture the essence of the people and circumstances on my list, one at a time…I am going to savour slowly, all that I have, by really digging down into each separate person or place, noting their qualities, our experiences, our memories, and anything else that I associate with the people on my list

Read the rest of this entry

A Hearbreaking Choice, A Second Chance, A Mothers Letters of Love

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To my darling daughter… the light of my life and my reason for living! Time has dragged so slowly since I wrote to you last month, I’ve been counting down the days til I could again. I really hope school is still being good to you 🙂 You told me a little bit about your friend Alice in your last letter, she sounds like a great friend! I’d love to hear about your other friends when you next write to me. 

So… has school taught you anything yet that really impressed you? God! As usual, I wanna ask you so much, but also tell you so much…

I want you to know that you can ask or tell me anything, absolutely anything. I’m not only your birth mother, I’m your best friend too. If you can’t go to your parents about something, no matter how wrong or scary or private it feels, you can tell me. I am impossible to shock so when I say anything, I really mean anything 🙂

Anyways, my little spring chicken, guess what!! ?? Thanks to your parents ongoing kindness, we get to see each other in less than 4 months! A  whole day together baby, I’m soooooo looking forward to it. What do you want to do? Where shall we go? I can’t believe your back in my life!!! I feel so blessed and I’m eternally grateful to your parents for this chance to get to know you…my darling daughter

I’ve been thinking like a wild thing about this months topic! I always start by asking myself ‘What do I want my baby girl to know and be?’ After sifting through boys, motherhood, hugs, racism and a ton of other topics, I finally landed on respect. I can only hope that I explain it in a way that makes sense Read the rest of this entry

Medicated Memories…I’m Everything Without Contents!

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I’m angry without the anger

I care with flatlined clichéd pity

Without others I could slip by, abandoned

What is a soul without memories

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In solace I know I’ve been stolen

Repressing all that makes me

Pushing away my spirited version of chatter

Sitting firmly on top of rusty springs

Bearing heavy….Heavy on the heart

*** Read the rest of this entry

The Top Ten Sell – My Homepage is a Mess!

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After many months off from blogging due to a severe case of writers block, I’m back in tut blogosphere and reading your entries galore as I sometimes do. But; each time I leave my little Gravatar trail with a like or comment, I know there’s a chance the recipient may come back and check out my page. Now here is the problem, I currently have a whole page of utter crap! Yes! All 10 posts on my homepage are either pointless drivvle or snippets of my strange sense of humour, which nobody but me needs. There’s not a point in sight, much less an actual topic, and at least 50%  of the entries don’t even really make sensecrap

I guess it’s not helped by the fact that my blogging is soooo varied, a ‘anything goes’ mentality does allow me to, shall we say experiment. Which is what led me here

My current 10 are truly piss poor and all I can do is hope for a star or two to quell the sadness within (Oh the drama)… as X amount of bloggers stop by, think ‘what the foooook’ is this woman on about, and leave promptly…

Do you ever look at your page and think, God I hope no-one visits today, I’ve written half a foot of toot (rubbish)? A bit like when someone knocks at your door and the house is trashed, its like that

I might have to search for something useful that I’ve written and re-blog the bugger to break it up – the ocean of crap that is. Until then, my writers block continues, therefore, my crap is staying visible for the forseeable future so I better get used to it. Right, enough of this talking to yourself. I better post some more pointless crap 🙂 And here it is!

*sobs*

Don’t Worry…I’ll Google It! (Pet Peeeev’s)

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phoneMy ‘pet peeeev’ of the year so far has gotta be that bloody phrase we so often hear nowadays

“I’ll google it”

And that’s it for the next 20 minutes …you can kiss goodbye to any old school methods of communication (talking); whilst whoever has a smart phone insists that you snuggle into each others personal space to share the 3 inch screen, all for some crappy and very miniature video or webpage that proclaims to know the answer to everything

Not to mention the meandering onto the other phrase

“Just wait for it to load, it’s hilarious/clever/entertaining”

I really don’t like smart phones…They facilitate rudeness and increase irritation in living rooms all over the land

That is all for now…

When Insanity, Faith, Welfare, Ignorance and Bullying Collide…We call it Society!!!

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Insanity often brings with it, a deep and profound understanding of human nature and all its oddities…Unfortunately, the semi-sane sometimes lack the skills needed to understand other humans, but they try anyway

No-body is ever going to convince me that my friends and family are anything other than ‘fabulous and dedicated’…Paranoia came far later than their ‘wunderbar’ love.whats

I also think your friends and family are ‘fabulous and dedicated’ … Most people are

Read the rest of this entry

If I was a Car!

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I would be too big at the backcar

I would have inconsistent and inexplicable oil needs

Prone to breakdowns during short haul journeys

My battery would be flat often, for no fathomable reason

Every MOT would be filled with never before seen malfunctions

I would accelerate prematurely (formula one styleeee) with ba mere tap on the gas pedal Read the rest of this entry

Steering Ships Am I Now?? All From The Confines of My Memory Foam

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As I pondered over my uber-shit sailing skills, I almost felt incompetent until I remembered never applying for the job 😉sailor 3

The Sea petrifies me, so I’m hopping off deck (soon)

A Sailor! As if !! (SCoff Scoff Scoff Old Chum)

(Ooops, missed some of that call, just heard Noah shouting star something??? I couldn’t hear him over the 2 tigers roaring)sailor 32

So, I spotted the nearest star and spun the ship rooooond towards it

As I notice 3,000 other stars with a quick whip of the neck, worry sets in

I panic, but then look down at my T-Shirt and see ‘Keep Calm and Go West’

The Co-ordinates and/or compass points are not my forte, so I listened to the team onboard instead, they were singing a 4 part harmony of the classic Welsh anthem ‘Newport’…The Welshie solo’d the line ‘concrete jungle where dreams are made of’ and I hollered

Follow that Green Peace Man to Starsailor

In that sweet moment, I’d realised my buried dream of being a sea-captain! But only if the boats swim sideways…Safety People!

From Rock, To Wi-Fi, To Heat Waves, Voiles and Snoring! OR A Selection of Bilge :)

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Christ Alive! And Seriouslybricks 4 ;/

I know that walls aren’t what they once were

As in; they used to be a foot thick…

Which was dandy!

However, these big old walls could have changed the future forever (See broken woman to the right)

bricks 5

Nowadays, they are in competition with walls as thick as ice cream wafers…disguised as brick

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Soon, the new housing estates will look like they are situated in the centre of a desert in the Middle East (peak of summer). The strange swirling mist that comes from heat waves, will distort the walls and the owners will put it down to the 45 degree heat…

Until…

Winter arrives; the dwellers become alarmed to see the walls still slopping around, with no heat swirls in sight, and many neighbours buying posh nets from the stall in the street

Because ‘Apparently they keep the heat in’bricks 6

Seriously, I can hear the man snoring loud as a bleeding train, and he lives in a whole ‘nother house!!!!!!!!

At least it was only 169 words of tripe

A Great Philosopher Once Wrote…A Poem

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poetA poem begins with a painful emotion

Always and Forever

A poem tells a story, but the words present themselves a new in prose

Always and Forever

A poet is a soul who is torn and lost

Always and Forever

Poetry adds invisibility and ambiguity to every word chosen

Always and Forever

A poem is inspired by two things…regret or pain

Always and Forever Read the rest of this entry

I Want To Be A Tree!

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From seed to enlightment, I hope we’ll all be trees

English: tree                            A lifetimes worth of avenues, littered with coloured leaves

All that we do, make our rings

               All that we learn ring the rings, we get wider, sturdier

as our essence find solid Read the rest of this entry

The 333’s of 2013 – Borderlines, Love, Help of Hope, Therapy for a Life :)

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The 7th story in my little writing challenge for 2013. Each line must begin with a word that starts with the same letter as the last word on the line before it. 3 words in a line, 33 lines in ze story…

WHY? Cos I LOVE the number 3 🙂

……….

It’s been yearsseven 1

Years? How many?

Millions, or seven

So I re-touched

Reading your sheets

So much advice

All so relevant

Rivers away then

Theory, fantasy, wishfulseven 2

We did it!!!

I’m confused..What?

We fixed some

Simply by trying

Test me please!

Paul said NO Read the rest of this entry

Our Forever Changing ‘Shadow of Self’ – The Two Wolves

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Twice this week I have come across a quote you’ve probably all heard

“A fight is going on inside me,” said an old man to his son. “It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good. he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The samwolvese fight is going on inside you.”

The son thought about it for a minute and then asked, “Which wolf will win?” 

The old man replied simply, “The one you feed.”
Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

This got me thinking about a section from the book – ‘Conversations with God’…It basically said that due to the human need for duality (which is required in order to find meaning in this life) God is, and always has been ‘ALL OF IT’.

He (or Life) created on Earth a system including…good and bad, lies and truth, jowolves 3y and pain, morals and anarchy, gluttony and hunger, poverty and riches etc. He (or life) created these opposites so that we may know ourselves, and also re-define ourselves as we change and grow. We do this by relating our traits to the attributes of the 2 wolves

This got me thinking about our shadows

Read the rest of this entry

Dear Body, I’m Sorry…

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Dear Body,

Considering our history, you may find some of the words written here, very difficult to believe. Probably because of the way I used to see you

That does not make them any the less true…

I’m sorry for mocking your dimpled thighs. I wish it was just mocking that needed a mention, but hatred was/is in there too…body 3

You have carried me for 34 long years, and in that time I have done nothing to nourish you. Instead I have pumped you full of junk food, drugs, alcohol and nicotine, just to name a few of many unhealthy substances Read the rest of this entry