Tag Archives: pain

A Letter to My Fix…Addicts and Bandages

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Dear best friend and worst enemy,

Someone asked me about you last week. About what you do for fix 7me and what exactly our relationship to each other is. Whilst you remain indifferent, incapable of caring about which one of us randomer’s uses you; I am somewhat more attached to us and our rendezvous’… Firstly, it was just me and you back when my life was nothing more than a living breathing nightmare, straight from the fiery pits of hell, and worthy of a thousand great horror stories. Me and you. You were the only vehicle capable of taking me between 2 worlds and back to this one again. It was me and you here when all those miracles occurred in front of my eyes, no denying them, or their pure unadulterated life changing essence. You were there when I was too shy to show my other best friends who I had become.

Now I have no idea who I am anymore; so your filling the gap between self acceptance and self-expression until further notice or further bravery, whichever comes first.

Back then, You were there when I couldn’t lfix 8ift my head up off the arm of the chair; when the only time I moved was to go to the loo. When I was so depressed it was an effort to breathe and a daily battle with suicidal fantasies. Yes. Fantasies. I wanted nothing more than to die back then. Read the rest of this entry

Yoga for The Toes and Fingers Anyone? Here’s hoping! :)

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Anyone who knows me well will not hesitate to confirm that I am a die-hard hater of exercise

Because

1. I hate sweating

exercise2. Due to a damaged nervous system, I sweat profusely from one side of my body only (having 2 sweaty pits looks like you’ve worked hard…One sweaty pit and you look like a freak, added to this, is the right side of my back being soaked whilst the left stays dry. I’m proper self-conscious about it

3. I don’t dig physical exertion at all

4. When you hate something, the brain is not clever enough to know you (apparently) secretly love it (as experts will have you believe). When your conscious thoughts about it are wholly negative, I believe the apparent endorphin rush expected during or after exercise is an alien concept. Feel good chemicals need feel good vibes

5. I always have something better to do when exercise is offered as the only other alternative Read the rest of this entry

Getting Naked… Depression Is Her Skin

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What I never talk straight about

Depression!

Basically, my mental health has deteriorated to the point of complete ‘stoppage’ in all areas of my life. I’ve been living in my arm-chair for as long back as I can remember

Most days, I can’t even summon the will to bathe and brush my teeth

Sooooo…I’ve been fighting against the tide of my mental illnesses for nearly ten years and I’ve finally given up

Literally, physically, and psychologically…I’m fucked, tired, confused, astounded, grateful, defensive, paranoid, scared and my heart hurts

But this giving up thing only feels bad when I have an idea or a longing for something in my future, then I remind myself…’Dawn, you’ve given up, stop thinking about all that crap’ Read the rest of this entry

Medicated Memories…I’m Everything Without Contents!

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I’m angry without the anger

I care with flatlined clichéd pity

Without others I could slip by, abandoned

What is a soul without memories

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In solace I know I’ve been stolen

Repressing all that makes me

Pushing away my spirited version of chatter

Sitting firmly on top of rusty springs

Bearing heavy….Heavy on the heart

*** Read the rest of this entry

That 4 Letter Word…Causes All The Strife, Causes All of Life, Awakens Our Inner Wife, Cuts Like a Knife, Our Fuel For This Life…

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Love ? I love love love you.When God said – Love is all there is… I understand now the depth and breadth of love’s business

When we are all children, its intensity rules all

And the very next heart beat after we first feel it, the fear of losing it ignites

It stays there throughout school

Then there’s all this imperfection and pain in the world

And the only thing that fixes it is the very thing that causes it

Love is the only perfect gift on the planet

But if we give and receive it from a damaged source, it becomes pain filled and painful, blocked, cruel, lost, mis-directed, overwhelming, mis-understood…

At worst, it dresses up as abuse – mental, physical, sexual or spiritual

When 2 people fall in love, it envelopes your insides, causing joy, ecstasy, warmth, addiction, desire, longing, kindness, insanity, inspiration, hope, happiness, thoughfulness

When the bond is damaged it dresses as mistrust, revenge, power, confusion, patience, truth and lies

When illness threatens to break its bond it dresses to fit – as care, dedication, forgiveness, pain, hurt, even what feels like hatred, loyalty, compromise, explanations, ’emotionally charged right up’ love, fear, too much, too little, perception spectacles of many different colours Read the rest of this entry

The Cat is Out Of The Bag :(

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Any comments, details, information or advice would be much appreciated, given the dynamics

I can no longer blind my eyes to it everywhere I look, everywhere I listen, everything I read and all the double meaning chatter, is there for a reason, but is it truth or pretend plan a.b.c.d?The Cat's Out of the Bag by John Kahn

The reality that is constantly showing itself to me, is far too sick and shocking for a person to take

It is entirely possible that ‘the schizophrenic card’ is at work, but my gut tells me otherwise!

Can something so ugly really have been going on? Still going on?

Dear Old Friends of Mine, I’m ready to listen and I shall be slow and meticulous in the art of ‘discernment’

For the Babies who did not ask to be born

I guess not then… and Thank God it was a story, a sick one, but just a story it was, or maybe a daydream, or the description of someone’s nightmares

 

A Philosopher’s Psyche…

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A philosopher is born, not educated

A philosopher searches because of the inner turmoil they feel from first breath to last

A philosopher’s natural state is often to rest in sadness

A philosopher teaches themself that everything is an illusionphilosopher

An honest philosopher will tell you ‘I don’t know’

A deluded philosopher will eventually implode, scattering infinite possibilities into the universe

A wise philosopher changes academic direction

A foolish philosopher drowns in their own open-mindedness, where the waves hold the infinite possibilities

A philosopher confirms nothing and questions everything

A philosopher was not destined for a life on earth

And takes an entire lifetime to find the warmth of home

Author – Unknown

The 333’s of 2013 – Borderlines, Love, Help of Hope, Therapy for a Life :)

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The 7th story in my little writing challenge for 2013. Each line must begin with a word that starts with the same letter as the last word on the line before it. 3 words in a line, 33 lines in ze story…

WHY? Cos I LOVE the number 3 🙂

……….

It’s been yearsseven 1

Years? How many?

Millions, or seven

So I re-touched

Reading your sheets

So much advice

All so relevant

Rivers away then

Theory, fantasy, wishfulseven 2

We did it!!!

I’m confused..What?

We fixed some

Simply by trying

Test me please!

Paul said NO Read the rest of this entry

Because Sometimes…9 Minutes Makes A Miracle! :)

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If I had the job of trying to inspire the human race – subject LIFE – Using 2 YouTube videos – I’d pick these

SERIOUSLY – This astounding young girl really really says it all, and I believe everyone in the world should have the chance to watch this moving and poignant clip…(you will likely blub at least once, with both sadness and joy, she’s beyond amazing)soul 2

Followed by none other than old Louis Himself – Who also says it all, as much with his big old grin as with the wonder of the song itself…Just Magic 🙂

What a Wonderful World Read the rest of this entry

Dear Psychosis…I’ll have my songs back now!!! Thank-you Please!

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I shan’t dwell on the hell of last year, courtesy of a whopping dose of psychotic insanity (I call her/it ‘Ms Psychosis’)…except to tell you that when she comes at you in full force, she steals all of your previous links to memories old and new; and ‘shats’ all over them with her own scary and wholly negative version, of fowl smelling poop!psycho 1

She leaves no stone unturned, no niche untouched… and Ms Psychosis done a sterling job of turning all 506 songs on my iPod, into 506 poxy triggers.

Sooooooo; I’ve decided that I don’t want her infecting my playlists anymore. And I’ve told her she is on the way to being phased right outta town

The triggers don’t just disappear unfortunately, you have to boot them out with gusto, over a period of time

So, when the song begins, it now gets 5 seconds to be a sign of insidious evil squit, and the following 3 or 4 minutes are dedicated to remembering the old and marvellous memories, that come with each and every song that I love…

Sooooooooooo…Ms Psychosis, you get 5 seconds now…and soon you’ll be down to 2!

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Biatch 🙂

A Stranger In My Psyche…

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When you’re close, I feel the wonder of your joy

You and others say you never leave anyone alone

You are always ‘nowhere’ so you can be ‘now here’

Where ever that may be

So maybe it’s me that has travelled tonight

Unknowingly and unwillingly I have left your side

Like a child, I feel fragile when I can’t feel your hand in mine

Sometimes I don’t like my needs Read the rest of this entry

Just Breathe…

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Fear and pain cause us to build a fortress around ourselves, one thick enough to withstand nuclear attacks to the mind, body and soulfear

Reality teaches us all about the limitations of fear

And ends the lesson with a reminder that scary things exist

But does it do us any good? Trying to avoid fearful situations?

The soul knows the answer to this…

The soul knows love, life, peace and freedom. It has no room or purpose for fear, other than as a reminder to be brave

Fear stops me breathing, over and over again Read the rest of this entry

Please heal my friend, an Angel of mine

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Please scatter her sleep with dreams divine

Please infiltrate her pain with scenes sublime

Please trigger the memories that strengthen her spine

Please let her know she’s committed no crime

Please bring her your love through each wave, and all time

Please heal my friend…an angel of mine

Please open her heart and leave her eyes blind

Please give her your blinkers, allow her to hide

Please give her your arms when she breaks down and cries

Please fill her with peace when she just can’t abide Read the rest of this entry

Short (ish) Number 38 – Bullied and Bored!

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Evil Boy asked the Nice Girl what was up?

Nice Girl said “YOU”

Evil Boy smiled and asked Nice Girl if she could be more specific…

Nice Girl said – “You used to scare me, then you terrified me, then I pitied you, then I pitied me, and now you just PISS ME OFF! Go find someone else to bully you tragic little low life, I’m bored!”

Evil didn’t hear anything past ‘you scare me’, ‘cos he was lost in his reflection AGAIN, narcissistic prick!

(81 words)

‘Beautiful & Tragic’ in equal measure…The Loss of Perfection

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My best friend called me the other night and told me to listen to this song by Ed Sheeran…

In true Dawny style I forgot, and then he came round at the weekend, reminded me, and we listened to a few of his songs together, and I have to say…’He rocks’

I found this one (small bump) particularly moving ‘first take’, but I didn’t listen to it properly until I was alone

It is a story of him awaiting the birth of his baby, and the 2nd take left me more than a little heart-broken…their baby didn’t make it. I decided not to post it, incase anyone reading had suffered a miscarriage…I didn’t want to be responsible for triggering such a tragic and difficult memory in another.

However, miscarriage is a sad but certain part of life, and I have known people who have fought the battle of losing such perfection; they have somehow managed to move on from the loss of their baby, but I’m sure they are still reminded often of their treasured ‘small bump’… as they try to carry on living as best they can.

This song is the most beautiful expression of the experience that I’ve heard, so I decided in the end, I would post it. I think it’s important not to shy away from writing about painful and taboo subjects; sometimes reading about others who have gone through the same harrowing experience as you, brings comfort, and a sense of belonging and understanding

It is an exceptional song with a painful yet beautiful message…

Small Bump

Judgy Wudgy Pants/ Dear Oh Law Dawny, never small scale!

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I have a little bit of ‘tude… and a selection of feelings/emotions and reactions, feeding the general mood and conclusions of this spillage!

Pretty sure you won’t make it to the end. Note to self – OH MY GOD I bloody love my pretty page, and an idea for new wallpaper is firmly sorted!

Back to a rather long-winded moan/analysis/poke around/thanks/oh balls/less judgy wudgy hypocrisy, in my CD-rom soul.

All delivered through my strange eyes, stranger life happenings, and the humble yet positively trappy opinions I own as of now

In short, me spilling AGAIN! 🙂

Firstly, as I traipsed onto my page after a short break, I just had to chuckle at the utter mental-ness of my entries of late, which was induced by a number of rather shocking changes to my identity. As one of my dear friends summed up as good reason for my shifting perception – I am maliable. I would have to say on a short note Read the rest of this entry

Pretend all you like, but be tender with me please….

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Goosebumps (TV series)

Area 51

The USA and the way they lend themselves to a fallacy

The secrets in the wards for the insane

The Baby Boomers

The Big Brother Curse

Black and White Magic

Anime and its English counterpart

Every Stephen and every Bob Read the rest of this entry

Maybe the Middle? Who Knows???

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If you suppose for one minute that we create the reality we live in, through the choices we make and the consequences that flow from them. If we suppose that for every reaction there is a re-action, then this would be a truth.

If I have borderline personality disorder, and if I placed myself in to the firing line of this disorder, the 9 symptoms that define it are born from its sole guiding thought. That thought being the black and white in life. The black and white represents the extremes of everything, and the nothing in between

Like Bi polar, the greatest and the ugliest of everything, lives in the greatest joy and the deepest pain, and the nothing in between Read the rest of this entry

Short Number Twenty One – Two Paths!

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Two paths, to go figure out what lies beneath

Dawny the detective has just 2 theories

a)      The world is being run by blue robot alien ghost evil men

b)      Love exists

I’m really really trying to believe in… Plan B

I am!

(41 words)