There’s Nowt as Grand as Laughter! Thankyou Brittany

I’ve had a rather emotional couple of hours tonight; at one point I was feeling ‘bloody lost and miserable’ on an epic scale…Po Bilar Mood Swing? Probably, maybe, who knows?…

ANYHOO

I discovered a blog called ‘Creativity Arise’

Just like magic, I read quite possibly, (no actually… definitely) one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard

In a post about the end of the world (http://creativityarise.com/2012/12/20/the-world-is-coming-to-an-end/)

Brittany mused…

“Why in the ham sandwich are we listening to the Mayans anyway?”

“WHY IN THE HAM SANDWICH?”

Comedy GOLD! I am still laughing now, hours later

THANK-YOU Brittany for snapping me right out of morose town in a mere second, with your absolute classic!

I fully intend to remind myself of this phrase everyday from now til’ death!

Tickled…Pink 🙂

Chortle Chortle…Ich Liebe Dich/ 50 Press Ups and Run For Your Life! ;)

My Wunderbar sister Lil Trissus, showed me this little E-card yesterday, which made me chuckle my ass off ;). When I first heard ‘I Love You’ in German (Ich Liebe Dich), it did indeed sound more like a military command than an expression of love…

When I finally stopped chuckling at the E-card (below)

She followed with this highly amusing ‘Shit Happens’ list…It defines the exact meaning of ‘Shit Happens’, from just about every religious and philosophical viewpoint known to man.

Dooooooo Enjoy! 🙂

AND ze ‘Shit Happens’ list can be found ere – http://www.fprintf.net/isms.html

Happy Saturday Peeps 🙂

Mr Rurch and Mr Shamone – The Destruction Derby of All Time!

I was talking to a friend last week about ‘morning stress’…

We covered the common pitfalls, such as :-

– Sleeping through the alarm clock

– Falling back to sleep and dreaming that you are getting ready for work

– Scraping the ice off of the car windscreen for 20 minutes

– Going to work with blobs of toothpaste all over your shirt

– Forgetting the important meeting on the day you look like shit on a stick

– Staying up all night raving, and going into work at 5am to make sandwiches a little too well oiled

But this little story surely trumps them all when it comes to –

The worst morning surprise ever!!!

I was working as a waitress (in a cocktail bar, when I met you)…Sorry, sidelined to the song there

Anyhoo…I had 20 minutes ’til I had to leave and I was watching a bit of morning TV and smoking a fag. To paint the scene properly, I’ll tell you that I live in a very small flat and from my spot on the sofa, I can see the hallway and the kitchen. My two cats were beating each other up in the hallway (nothing new there) and after a few stationary swipes, the running after each other began again in earnest, and they came tearing through the lounge and into the kitchen at around 50mph…(I kid you not, they sound like buffalo charging when they’re in full speed mode, and I think they come from a long line of Cheetah’s, as opposed to your standard moggy’s!)

Kids Say The Funniest Things…

Overall, no matter how many adult comedians tickle me pink, I still think that kids say the funniest things…Their utter naivety, coupled with their unique ways of looking at the world, often cause me to cry with laughter at some of their comments…

I am writing this because I just remembered a funny incident with one of my 3 magic, and very funny nephews

I was going over to Germany to stay with my brother, and Thomas (my nephew) kindly agreed to let me sleep in his room

When I got there, he told me to go and look in the bedroom, as he’d left something in there for me…and there was a note on the floor (which I’ve just fished out from my ‘memories box’ for accuracy)

It read..

For Da Dawl

Dawn

Please turn ober

(I turned it over and it said)

You have boobies

Have a nice time in my room 🙂

“If your partner is ‘Crazy’, run for the hills” (The World, 2012) … How Rude!

That would be everyone then?

I decided to do a little bit of research into my love life a few weeks ago

And I typed ‘why am I attracted to crazy people’ into Google. (Please note, I wasn’t presuming I am remotely sane when I typed it…So it was more a ‘2 way’ research jobby ;))

Anyhoo, by the time I’d reached the bottom of page 2, I was a broken woman!

Firstly, it would seem that only women are deemed nutters, as every bleeding article for 2 pages was about crazy women…I’ve met my fair share of nutters and around half were male! As you might expect

Second…There was advice from a whole range of people – laymen, the experienced and broken hearted. The young, the old, and the professional experts…they all had something to say

The advice varied enormously, but the final thoughts added up to the same thing EVERY SINGLE TIME…

‘If your partners crazy run for the hills!’ (Summarised)

If you replaced crazy with ‘black’ or ‘wheelchair bound’, there would be 68 petitions banning the article… directly underneath it

But ohhhh no, not for the crazy people, leave them to rot ay? Even psychologists are throwing out this advice

Such empathy and warmth?

Take everything, Just leave the SHOES… for Betty’s Sake!

Working slap bang in the middle of the city centre is depleting my tiny savings pot, at a ‘rapido’ rate

Why?

Shoes Shoes Shoes

I am obsessed, I have just purchased the cutest pair of shoes I think I’ve ever seen. Check ’em out, they’re called Gracie incase you wanna talk to them.

They remind me of Minnie Mouse and those black and white checked dresses from the 60’s

I’d go as far as to say they are orgasmic!

The trouble is, when I buy a pair of NEW SHOES 🙂 I wear them around the house, normally with my tracky bottoms or pyjamas; and I like to do this for at least 2 weeks after purchasing them

However, I have bought 4 pairs in the last 2 weeks (I have no self-control at the mo)…and I don’t know which one’s to gush over first

Ohhhhhh the problems!!!

All is well now (you can stop worrying ;))…I’m back, I’ve lined them all up in the lounge in front of me and I’m ‘twizling’ my foot, not just any foot, my foot..

Why use words, if you can ‘Ram Raid’ instead?

What is the world coming to?

Last night, I was having a little session with Amy and my stereo for about half an hour, I’ll grant you it wasn’t on the quietest volume; but it wasn’t excessively loud! AND I respect the 11pm rule of silence… even though I live at opposite ends of the time continuum to the rest of the world, and screaming children at 7am; and arguments about who is gonna do the milk trip, are just as destructive to my sleep patterns, as music is past 11pm, for the normal people

It was approximately 7pm when a mini earthquake struck my lounge!

Being as I’m psychotic at the moment, it wasn’t the best phenomena for me to ponder over…I seriously thought I had morphed into a whole new land of new insanity, when everything began shaking. NOTE – I turned the music down immediately to investigate the drama

I have a little cupboard directly behind my TV stand which houses my electricity and gas meters. The newish neighbours next door who are too rude to say hello, began smashing some kind of heavy weapon against their side of my cupboard. I’m not sure what their weapon was but the door on the cupboard was forcing its way into the room, and pushing my television off the stand inch by inch with every blow. The glass shelf under the TV fell down, DVDs flew in every direction…and THEN a fucking great lump of concrete FLEW outta the cupboard and landed on my GLASS TV stand!

Ten Line Tootys! Come play in ze hay ;) Writing Challenge 4 (2012)

How Rude! 🙂

I’ve made up a game; as I’m 33 years old I’m gonna call it a writing challenge

Please come and play with me; word-pressers of the world

The Rules to each TEN LINE TOOTY

1. Choose ten random sentences, from your last ten posts (1 from each)
2. Put them together in date order (newest at the top) and then you have to make a coherent story out of them, with as few fill words as possible!
3. Highlight the random sentences in your post

I will be the marker…I’m a very nice marker 😉 (I joke)

Play play yay?

Here’s my first shot at a TEN LINE TOOTY! (I’ll stick these on my Dawny’s mini seriessss page when I’ve stopped wallowing in mental health pity!)

The Start

The Third Meeting for NHS Service Users and Healthcare Professionals

The Agenda

1)      The discussion of the new ‘anti loon’ pills trial

2)      The current side effects of arthritic medication

3)      The Art donations for the month

Persons Present – Dr Hall, Dr Pratrowski (assisting Dr Hall). Services Users Annie; Brenda; Sarah; Amy; and Harry

‘Psychosis is a necessity; for the emotional development of certain people’?(Moi, 2012)

I think it would be a fair generalisation to say that : – People who suffer from periods of psychosis, tend to be thinkers. Not just in bouts of insanity; but all the time…

I’ve just mind meandered onto this odd theory/definition of psychosis…

‘Psychosis is a necessity; for the emotional development of certain people’ 😉 (Moi, 2012)

Thinkers can fall into the trap of over thinking and under feeling. If you’re a thinker, you’re likely a problem solver… and before you know it, you’ve totally lost touch with your feelings because you’ve rationalised the shit out of; not feeling anything

But when delusions loom, in my experience…they are always intrinsically linked to 3 things

Fear/Terror

Shame

Pain

For me at least, these 3 categories cover everything that I choose not to dwell on as a thinker. Everything I don’t want to feel sits under these umbrellas…

‘Amy and The Mice’ – An Alternative Take

Of all the Amy Winehouse footage to cause a wave of disapproval, this video sits up there with best of them

In order to see the beauty that I see in this scene, you must first remove the judgements you already have about Crack and its use (although it is worth noting that Crack is probably the most likely drug to cause aggression). If you can’t remove your judgements; try swopping the word crack for wine (which also causes aggressive outbursts)

And re-classify her status more loosely; as a little bit ‘worse for wear’ (legally of course)

Then check out the video Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty on drugs – YouTube.

Or read the manuscript below, complete with stage cues and action descriptions

What I see is : – heart, endless wit, depth of passion, fun, boundless amounts of life, imagination, creativity, laughter, beauty, friendship, a unique and highly sweet soul, the interaction of two friends, love, vulnerability, fascination, curiosity, loyalty, care and protection…This is what I see, black fingers or no black fingers. Can you?

(Amy is in green, Pete in orange, Both together in red)

Amy collects a box of baby mice from the back of the room

Short Number 12 – The Exception to the Rule of Gift Exchanges

“I know I said you should always accept gifts graciously darling”

“Yes yes, I know I said you should keep them too”

“But there’s always one; one exception to the rule”

“Always”

“Please Mum…Pleeeease”

“Darling, it doesn’t go with the wallpaper, sorry”

“Would you like some sweeties instead my little cherub?”

(51 words)

If you can’t get a life; At least reach for some thoughts…you ‘Bitter Buggers!’ ;)

Evolve people PLEASE! For Betty's Sake!

As a rule, I’m not a judgy person

I have an ability to see two sides of most situations; so when I see someone behaving like a twat, I can normally find some inner mercy for their idiot views/behaviours. Cos we’re all the way we are; because of where we’ve been and what happened when we got there!

However

My blind spot lies in my upbringing in Jolly Old Leytonstone. For all the many cultures I lived amongst, for all the differences I’ve bounced between, there was a steady message that permeated the lot in sunny East London, back in the day…

You DO NOT grass!

And you certainly DO NOT grass to the powers that be…

Unfortunately this little lesson didn’t reach 120 miles down the road

TRAGIC, in the eyes of Dawny…

During the last hose pipe ban in Norfolk, 35,000 people made the effort to sign onto the web, type in ‘Grass hotline number for Anglian Sewerage Co please’…and then they paid 20p to grass their next door neighbour up, for washing their car!

WTF??? Do any of you even know who has a hose pipe or an outside tap in your street?

Oh My Gaaaawd! An actual AWARD! ;)

Well…would you christmas eve it?

I’ve only gone and got an actual AWARD for….

The Bilge that Spills from These ‘ere Hills! I would like to thank Vicki Annison of The Kiwi Blog Bus, for being an absolute gem and making my week by awarding me this little trophy for my E-mantlepiece! The versatile blogger award. As I told Vicki yesterday, I was/am shocked and chuffed in equal measure.

Me, CHUFFED!

And very humbled.

When I first started blogging I honestly thought no-one would read my self-indulgent opinionated crap/profound wisdom. But it would seem that you crazy people of a certain niche (niche name: the especially wonderful people) actually enjoy my squit!

I’m basquing in the heat of appreciation; and I am toasty toasty tooooasty!

Thankyou Ms Annison of the KIWI bus :)…http://kiwiblogbus.com/2012/03/14/versatile-blogger-award-id-like-to-thank/

Now i’ll get onto the rules bit….

About the Versatile Blogger’s Award

The Versatile Blogger’s Award is a way for bloggers to support each other and recognize versatile, interesting and helpful blogs. There are a few rules to follow when you accept the award.

• Thank the person who nominates you and link back to them in your posts.
• Share seven random facts about yourself.
• Pass this award along to as many as 15 blogs you enjoy reading and let them know about the award.

7 things you DONT know about me…This could be tricky, being as my life story can be found amongst the 150 or so posts I’ve written, but here goes…

Short Number 10 – The Student got a… ‘Ology’!… Really? How un-apt! ;)

4,724th Essay

Caressed in a Fortress

Obsessed, Suppressed, Distressed, Blessed, Depressed

Confessed…

Stressed, Countless, Boundless, Fearless, Princess

3 years on, she was…An essayed out mess

At the end

They said she got a something… ‘ology’!; I think

Psy? or Bi?… I think

I thought she clearly deserved an ‘essed’!

Minimum

Just my opinion…;)

(50 words)

Short Number 9 (I think)…Catch me if meow can!

Catch me if meow can Mother Fucker!

The predator came again (yawn)

The Hunter, The Stalker, The Trier, The God of the Web Pilferer’s…The Leader of the Western Plates

The Wilder-Peast!!!

But; where oh where was the prize?

“She’s a quick as a fucking cat that one”

Overhearing the Peast, she meow’d with delight and ran…

“Catch me if meow can”

She Sang!

(55 words)

Necessary and tragic public note to self (Bilge Alert)

Dawny…

You have been typing bilge on your blog for 5 days now! 5 days!!!

You have been awake for too long, even by your standards

Life is not all about Indulgence, you have new responsibilities this year and you must step up. You are doing all work forms TODAY! TUESDAY!

Get off of Word Press until at least Friday morning

Go to the website your meant to be on all day, follow the links to the unseen activities and do some fooooooooking research into the coronary heart disease in Norfolk, or else you WLL FAIL the module.

Go to bed soon, you have 2 workmen coming into your world for 8 hours a day, for 5 long days. This makes you slightly insaner than normal; and you must prepare for the extra insanity by turning off this monitor!

You don’t know where the tea bags are, or the cat biscuits… and you need to find them both before 7am, and you need to take the 467 empty champagne bottles to the bottle bank before Mum gets here

You have a cold and no will power, and you need to go to the drop in centre for another asthma pump and some anti-biotics, before you get a bronchial infection and craps on the lungs, for the 3^rd time in 3 months

Get a Grip…Go…Post this as a threat to yourself; and a continual reminder of your required abstinence here UNTIL Friday; and then shut me down!

And yourself!

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Now!

Farewell Bloggus-sphere…at least untill my will power cracks

The World, The Police, The Normal and The Surreal…

For the last few weeks, I’ve been watching this series on policing in England; and needless to say, I’ve been shocked at some of the acts I’ve seen…varying from immense kindness to immense brutality

It seems we (British people) tolerate our policemen smashing the shit out of certain innocent people with metal bats; so long as they are ultra polite when they issue our speeding tickets; which they ALWAYS are!

Then I got to thinking about how much we take for granted as normal…ONLY because we’re used to it.

Thanks to Easy Jet and the birth of tiny toiletries, I was able to go on several cheapy cheap foreign adventures in the last few years. And I ran into the police on 2 of the 3 trips…

First, I went to Krakow in Poland and the gargantuan river Wisla was minutes away from bursting its banks when I arrived. There were sandbags, people and police everywhere; and camcorders! It seems it’s a bit of an entertaining event for the people of Krakow; watching the river swell til it’s too late to run away.

I for one, was getting out of there…

WELL; I dared to attempt to cross a very busy, ‘scarily wide’ road, and apparently; I was not meant to be there

The first I knew of this crime I’d committed, was when the police man I was standing ahead of, accelerated like the Stig (from Top Gear)…and launched his car at me full pelt… until the bumper was an inch from my knees. He then slammed the car to a halt, screeching brakes included; wound down his window; (as did the other Loony copper in the passenger seat)

Ripping Innocent Daisies to Shreds!

Girls, do you think I'm in there or what?

Little girls play this game;

They played it when I was tiny; I played it when I was tiny; and they still play it now…

They pick a flower from the ground, and one after the other; they pull off every petal

Each time they tear away a pretty petal, from its life force…

They say the words

He loves me!?…

He loves me not!?

He loves me!?…

He loves me not!?

 

Personally, I think this game speaks volumes about how girls and boys view love.

(Alert – Huge sweeping generalisation or two, on the way)

I’ve got a cold have I Doctor? A COLD?

Whoever decided to name the common cold a cold, was obviously

A)     As hard as nails

And

B)      An idiot!

A foooooking cold ay?

Before I begin the analysis; please note that I have 2 full time, full on diseases. I won’t bore you with the details, just know that I’m noooo pussy 😉

But…

Oh My Lordy Lord!!!

I have been bitch slapped to the ground with this mini ‘health-arama’; known as a cold

I am not cold, I am burning up

I have been coughing for the last 7 hours or so, solid. This has well and truly heated up both :- the tissue on my lungs; and my temper. As I’m slightly tired and sleep deprived…

But still not cold

I am ‘buckarooing’ all over the show, every time I cough or sneeze (every 10 seconds or so) and again, this increased activity is warming me up somewhat! STILL NOT COLD

I am surrounded by tissues. Some are dry and some are wet. None are cold

I avoided Motherhood, so Ms Karma sent me a ‘Rebel Ball’ instead ;/

From the archives of my mind

Back in the days…

I was a naughty, rebellious, authority despising, horrible little child. So I figured (early in life), if I re-produced, it would be a bad move. I thought Ms Karma would send me a child, ten times naughtier. But because Ms Karma is clever, my avoidance of the pain of ‘owning a rebel’; was over-ridden! She simply gave me a ‘Rebel Ball’ instead; for this lesson…and probably also as some kind of justice for my poor Mother :0

My RED bouncing ball…Do you own one too?

For each emotion I have a WHITE ball, a really bouncy one, and note… it bounces vertically only. The top to bottom of a bounce, covers a fair distance but I’m adjusted to this, and some bounces are fabulous, which makes their EXTENT both a blessing and a curse.