Tag Archives: Humor

Life…Pessimist, Realist and a Jolly Deluded Soul Discuss Ages 0-30

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What are life’s biggest universal lessons from the age of 0 – 20 years old?

Pessimist – To learn how to become mildly tolerable to other humans, whilst maintaining the wholly narcissistic qualities we were all born with. Perfecting selfish methods to get whatever self-serving gift we want, whilst life throws crap at us. Crap after crap after more crap that is

Realist – To learn how to speak, think, act and do a variety of tasks; guided by parents, leaders anpessd teachers who hope we will leave school as an independent and reliable ‘social skivvy’s/Capitalist servant’…

Jolly-ist – The wonder years…No responsibilities, our ‘free-est’ time, school days are the best days of your life etc. Childhood is when and where we see the world with beauty, innocence, laughter and love. And the world gives us beauty, innocence, laughter and love back (and a few lessons)

How about years 20 – 30?

Pessimist – 10 years of chasing love with all the wrong people, overcoming the addiction of dating monsters fopess 2r the drama addiction. Realising the true hell of working 40 hours a week in a job you despise. Learning that there are a very limited number of positions in society that allow true happiness to flourish. Destroy approx 50% of one’s brain cells, consuming copious amounts of drugs/alcohol and fags Read the rest of this entry

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I Will Be Your Eyes Until You Can ‘See’ Everything…

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They sat in English class together, paying no attention to the teachers speech, nor to ‘Of Mice and Men’. They were gassing like their lives depended on it!

“What is blue like?” she askedblind

“Blue is running as fast as you can into the waves, it is diving head first into the rushing sea. Blue is freezing cold lips that come from a night out in the snow, or from sucking an ice lolly hard and fast.”

“White?”

“White is the colour of innocence. White is unusual, as it holds all the other colours within it, yet it is almost colorless in appearance. White is a newly fitted, pristine kitchen with a fridge, freezer, washing machine and dishwasher. White is cotton wool, and the grainy texture of the chalk they use for writing on a blackboard”

“Red? What is red like?”

“Red is a boiling hot camp fire on a winter’s night. Red is the colour of passion and of angst. Red is a racy looking lady on a saturday night up town. Red is all lips and kisses. Water is see through and blood is red. When you feel the slight thickness of blood against water, you feel red”

“What are you like?” she asked…smiling

“When I’m being categorised according to my skin colour, I am white, but not like the white I described. I am actually a peachy pinky beige if we’re gonna get a little detailed about it :)” Read the rest of this entry

When Mensa Take The Piss (part 2)

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Clues

Hilary is playing sudoku in the green room

Edith has a budgie who swears like a navvy

Ron has severe amnesia, Julie is his carer, and just reminded him of their trip to the supermarket that morning

 

Fill in the blanks

fillRon has proposed to the budgie _ times

Hilary has two 9’s in one row. How much was the book to buy _

Does Edith use Wiltshire farm foods. If yes, how often? _

 

(Chortle Chortle :))

Getting Naked… Depression Is Her Skin

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What I never talk straight about

Depression!

Basically, my mental health has deteriorated to the point of complete ‘stoppage’ in all areas of my life. I’ve been living in my arm-chair for as long back as I can remember

Most days, I can’t even summon the will to bathe and brush my teeth

Sooooo…I’ve been fighting against the tide of my mental illnesses for nearly ten years and I’ve finally given up

Literally, physically, and psychologically…I’m fucked, tired, confused, astounded, grateful, defensive, paranoid, scared and my heart hurts

But this giving up thing only feels bad when I have an idea or a longing for something in my future, then I remind myself…’Dawn, you’ve given up, stop thinking about all that crap’ Read the rest of this entry

The Top Ten Sell – My Homepage is a Mess!

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After many months off from blogging due to a severe case of writers block, I’m back in tut blogosphere and reading your entries galore as I sometimes do. But; each time I leave my little Gravatar trail with a like or comment, I know there’s a chance the recipient may come back and check out my page. Now here is the problem, I currently have a whole page of utter crap! Yes! All 10 posts on my homepage are either pointless drivvle or snippets of my strange sense of humour, which nobody but me needs. There’s not a point in sight, much less an actual topic, and at least 50%  of the entries don’t even really make sensecrap

I guess it’s not helped by the fact that my blogging is soooo varied, a ‘anything goes’ mentality does allow me to, shall we say experiment. Which is what led me here

My current 10 are truly piss poor and all I can do is hope for a star or two to quell the sadness within (Oh the drama)… as X amount of bloggers stop by, think ‘what the foooook’ is this woman on about, and leave promptly…

Do you ever look at your page and think, God I hope no-one visits today, I’ve written half a foot of toot (rubbish)? A bit like when someone knocks at your door and the house is trashed, its like that

I might have to search for something useful that I’ve written and re-blog the bugger to break it up – the ocean of crap that is. Until then, my writers block continues, therefore, my crap is staying visible for the forseeable future so I better get used to it. Right, enough of this talking to yourself. I better post some more pointless crap 🙂 And here it is!

*sobs*

If I was a Car!

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I would be too big at the backcar

I would have inconsistent and inexplicable oil needs

Prone to breakdowns during short haul journeys

My battery would be flat often, for no fathomable reason

Every MOT would be filled with never before seen malfunctions

I would accelerate prematurely (formula one styleeee) with ba mere tap on the gas pedal Read the rest of this entry

From Rock, To Wi-Fi, To Heat Waves, Voiles and Snoring! OR A Selection of Bilge :)

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Christ Alive! And Seriouslybricks 4 ;/

I know that walls aren’t what they once were

As in; they used to be a foot thick…

Which was dandy!

However, these big old walls could have changed the future forever (See broken woman to the right)

bricks 5

Nowadays, they are in competition with walls as thick as ice cream wafers…disguised as brick

brick 2

Soon, the new housing estates will look like they are situated in the centre of a desert in the Middle East (peak of summer). The strange swirling mist that comes from heat waves, will distort the walls and the owners will put it down to the 45 degree heat…

Until…

Winter arrives; the dwellers become alarmed to see the walls still slopping around, with no heat swirls in sight, and many neighbours buying posh nets from the stall in the street

Because ‘Apparently they keep the heat in’bricks 6

Seriously, I can hear the man snoring loud as a bleeding train, and he lives in a whole ‘nother house!!!!!!!!

At least it was only 169 words of tripe

Mergence of Sarcasm and Magnificence = ‘Life’s Heady Heights’ @ Dawny’s

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SUCCESS is wholly subjective goals 4

When the theme tune for Jeremy Kyle tickles my ear drums, the rush of ‘feel good chemicals’ go wild in the aisles of my brain…and it is in joyful moments like these, when I feel most successful 🙂goals 2

When Meredith’s mother told her to be extraordinary; she didn’t mean an extraordinary surgeon, she meant an extraordinary person!

I wrote the following, when I had the ‘royal hump’ and it’s rather sarcastic and self (+ existence) deprecating! (AND also, sadly true :))

I decided this year was gonna be theeeee year of my life! (After year 33 went a little ‘tits up’ to say the least) Read the rest of this entry

Never too Old or too Happy to make a DEN! :)

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Just this morning, I was feeling in need of a little of life’s magiccat quilt

Like many other mornings, Mr Rurch (one of my two AMAZING pussy cats) joined in the fun of playing ‘den’

I don’t like to place undue pressure on myself during these times, so our den making was limited by me and the chair. It’s not a complicated process with this in mind 😉

Basically, it’s me in the armchair, with my arms raised and acting as mini stilts, with the quilt surrounding me, leaning on the very top/back of the chair and ending on the floor…Then I make a little entrance hole in the quilt and I say the magic words

Actually, I whisper to him as this seems to give him endless joy 🙂

‘Mr Rurch…Come get in the den’

Then I like to close the hole off and pull the quilt tight so he can’t get in! 🙂 He then mounts the slope that forms around my quilt covered stilt arms and scratches and screams trying to get access. Once I’vecats quilt rinsed that section of all the available entertainment, I re-open the entrance and he crawls down with his eyes out on door stops…I have to hold the quilt up a little bit, so that he can get on my lap without being plunged into complete darkness

He loves it (WE love it)

Read the rest of this entry

In this World of White and Blue…Finally I see the Colour of You

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Dear Lil,

As I lay here in this blue and white world, the smell of hospital disinfectant fills my nostrils and pinches the back of my throat. All I see are blue and white floors, and blue and white curtains, filled with blue and white soldiers flitting from here to there; they are all running around too quickly to stop and smile…As I eat another tasteless dinner, my ears cringe at the harsh sound of clashing trays being collected by the blue apron brigade

Then; in my mind’s eye, I’m arriving home after work…I see you turn around at the sound of my feet on the linoleum…You always had a smile for me, no matter what the day bought you personally. I never stopped to wonder why sometimes, it didn’t creep up into your eyes

There is much time to take stock of my surroundings in here, and it has been this lengthened time with my senses, that’s lead me back to you

As I lie down at night now, I think of all the mornings of my life, when I woke up to find your arms around me, and your cold toes tickling the soles of my feet Read the rest of this entry

Diarrhoea…Cucumber Lane and BODMAS! Watch out WORLD!!!! :)

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It’s odd what we remember and what we forget don’t ya think? spell

Take your schooling, and I’m sure after 5 minutes of thinking about your memories of all those past lessons; you will see that the things you remember have very little to do with helpfulness or importance

My memory is particularly useless! So; I can recall about 3 facts from school, which is kinda dire when you consider the number of years we all spend there

One day my teacher read a letter to the class. It was from a Mother, describing why little Johnny was too ill to come to school

Johnny had a dose of diarrhoea and after 3 goes at spelling diarrhoea, all crossed out a bit like this

dierrspelling

diaare

dyarr

The Mother gave up trying to spell it correctly, and under the scribbled out attempts, she wrote – ‘The Shits’ 🙂 Oh how this tickled me… Read the rest of this entry

Another Book Intro. I’m not so sharp at Ending. Oh well…Practice makes Perfect (Or Practice makes Completion even…that would be Nice) :)

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Chapter 1

Self preservation really is an inbuilt instinct after all…

It’s wasn’t until poor Sarah was out of the metaphorical fire, that she began to see more than just the tip of the dagger, just past the end of her nose.

6 months later, she had side swiped all the weapons and embraced the ‘fluffy-ness of life’ with all of her might; and as expected by those who knew her better than she knew herself, she was 110 percent ready for her 1st presentation

She could see by the look in her God Mothers eyes that she had disappointed her again, but she couldn’t let the pain of that knowledge overcome her willingness to talk to them

She had promised, and she felt that it was the least she should do

Just before she began her address to the many nervous sets of eyes in the dusty old room, she looked once more at her God Mother, Olivia. Sweet caring Olivia…The feeling of guilt and the reflection of her shame protruded once more; then slipped away as though they had never arrived, to be replaced by joy, so quickly that the feeling felt like an intrusion. A welcome intrusion at that, because it was the feeling she associated with rebellion. Be it the harmless sort, right through to, the utterly potent type

No-one was more shocked by this transformation of feelings, than Sarah herself. Read the rest of this entry

Sod is My Middle Name! ;)

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Sod (the 1st) has always been a memorable and talked about public figure, throughout many era’ssods law 5 and periods

His logic and fixed truths have remained both popular and unchanged; even through times of great social unrest and modernisation.

As a prolific law-maker, who focused on ‘mysterious and ironic saga’s’…his name is often mentioned when strange and unfortunate events occur

Examples of his early work include :-sods law 7

– The Odd Sock Phenomena/More Phantom Objects (are) Disappearing ‘Act’ of 1453 (bc)

– Torrential rain for 7 days, in an entire year, but coinciding with your 7 day holiday at the ‘normally sunny EVERYDAY location’

– Over-sleeping for the 1st time ever, and waking to find a coach full of hungry OAP’s, herding around the main entrance to your Public House. Which should have been open for business…10 minutes before…

Sod, Me, Hearts and Minds Read the rest of this entry

Spooky Fag Related Mini Miracle…

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A while ago, I wrote a post about addiction, and I touched upon my own struggles with a plethora of activities and substances

Addictive Genes and Sad Souls…Do we inherit sadness?

NOW! Smoking cigarettes has always been one addiction that I had no intention of giving up. As many smokers will tell you, it is such a powerful attachment that it entwines itself with the essence of your identity. Yes; it is part of ‘who I am’… rather than a part of ‘what I do’addict 1

I always figured that I’d try to kick every other addiction, and smoking would be the one ‘fix’ that would stay for a lifetime…I was a self-confessed lover of smoking, and there was no guilt attached to this need, unlike the other buggers

ANYHOO

Back to the post on addiction…I recieved a comment saying that my addictions (being so severe) were something only God and The Angels could fix. So, in amongst my prayers, I prayed for healing – re my addictive nature…

I don’t know if you can relate to this, but occasionally I have a thought pop into my head and I somehow know that it didn’t come from anywhere inside of me. Read the rest of this entry

The Xmas Present of The Century!!!

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Santa was very kind to me this year!steam

As tragic as this may be – my most favourite gift was a VAX steam cleaner!

The thing is tooooooo cool for words

To say my house was a bit dusty…pre xmas, would be the understatement of the century

I finally gained enough energy to blitz the flat of all surface debris

And then; I spent a bliss-filled hour blasting the living life out of every shelf, fake plant and ornament in sight – with my trusty jet of ‘red hot magic steamy dust killing power’

We age, we change, we fall in love with household cleaners and subsequently; we become the opposite to ‘street’ (wise…)

And finally, when we openly discuss the joys of steamy jets on our posts…We officially become ‘tragic’ in tut Bloggus-Sphere toooooo!

I care not for the judgements 😉steam 1

One day, the young and uber cool will gasp with delight…over a household cleaning product, born of their era.

All in good time…all in good time my youthful friends!

God Bless you VAX!

I is ‘Past it and Proud’ 😉

There’s Nowt as Grand as Laughter! Thankyou Brittany

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I’ve had a rather emotional couple of hours tonight; at one point I was feeling ‘bloody lost and miserable’ on an epic scale…Po Bilar Mood Swing? Probably, maybe, who knows?…

ANYHOOlaughter 1

I discovered a blog called ‘Creativity Arise’

Just like magic, I read quite possibly, (no actually… definitely) one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard

In a post about the end of the world (http://creativityarise.com/2012/12/20/the-world-is-coming-to-an-end/)

Brittany mused…

“Why in the ham sandwich are we listening to the Mayans anyway?”

“WHY IN THE HAM SANDWICH?”

Comedy GOLD! I am still laughing now, hours later

THANK-YOU Brittany for snapping me right out of morose town in a mere second, with your absolute classic!

I fully intend to remind myself of this phrase everyday from now til’ death!

Tickled…Pink 🙂

Chortle Chortle…Ich Liebe Dich/ 50 Press Ups and Run For Your Life! ;)

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My Wunderbar sister Lil Trissus, showed me this little E-card yesterday, which made me chuckle my ass off ;). When I first heard ‘I Love You’ in German (Ich Liebe Dich), it did indeed sound more like a military command than an expression of love…

When I finally stopped chuckling at the E-card (below)

She followed with this highly amusing ‘Shit Happens’ list…It defines the exact meaning of ‘Shit Happens’, from just about every religious and philosophical viewpoint known to man.

Dooooooo Enjoy! 🙂

german

AND ze ‘Shit Happens’ list can be found ere – http://www.fprintf.net/isms.html

Happy Saturday Peeps 🙂

Short Number 47 – Regression Heaven…Kingston Town

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Jenny was beyond excited 🙂 regress

She drifted off…

1 hour later she was back in the room

The regression therapist barely got a word out…

Jenny interruptedregress 2regress 4

“Me 1st…Was I a Jamaican Joint Smoking Smiler ?”

“I quote…You immediately asked 2 questions”

1) Want some Reefa ?

2) Where’s me waterfall ?regress 1

Jenny beamed at Lou and said… “I bloody knew it! I may be as white as a sheet now; but a gal never forgets her roots ” 🙂

(64 words)

Short Number 45 – Ouch Random Button, You’re Bad for My Ego ;)

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ouch

“Hey author, I just read 5 of your posts and I have no idea what they were about”

“Hey reader, I am aware of the posts in question. I’m afraid I also have no idea”

“But author, you wrote them”

“Oh reader, I know. They are memoirs courtesy of ‘Ms Insanity Pants’. The day you need to worry is the day you relate”

“Oh author, you have a point!”

“Oh reader, I always have a point, just not a great memory”

(Damn you word limit of 50 😉 – 78 words)

Mr Rurch and Mr Shamone – The Destruction Derby of All Time!

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cat 7

I was talking to a friend last week about ‘morning stress’…

We covered the common pitfalls, such as :-

– Sleeping through the alarm clock

– Falling back to sleep and dreaming that you are getting ready for work

– Scraping the ice off of the car windscreen for 20 minutes

– Going to work with blobs of toothpaste all over your shirt

– Forgetting the important meeting on the day you look like shit on a stick

– Staying up all night raving, and going into work at 5am to make sandwichcats 4es a little too well oiled

But this little story surely trumps them all when it comes to –

The worst morning surprise ever!!!

I was working as a waitress (in a cocktail bar, when I met you)…Sorry, sidelined to the song there

Anyhoo…I had 20 minutes ’til I had to leave and I was watching a bit of morning TV and smoking a fag. To paint the scene properly, I’ll tell you that I live in a very small flat and from my spot on the sofa, I can see the hallway and the kitchen. My two cats were beating each other up in the hallway (nothing new there) and after a few stationary swipes, the running after each other began again in earnest, and they came tearing through the lounge and into the kitchen at around 50mph…(I kid you not, they sound like buffalo charging when they’re in full speed mode, and I think they come from a long line of Cheetah’s, as opposed to your standard moggy’s!) Read the rest of this entry