A Letter to My Fix…Addicts and Bandages

Dear best friend and worst enemy,

Someone asked me about you last week. About what you do for me and what exactly our relationship to each other is. Whilst you remain indifferent, incapable of caring about which one of us randomer’s uses you; I am somewhat more attached to us and our rendezvous’… Firstly, it was just me and you back when my life was nothing more than a living breathing nightmare, straight from the fiery pits of hell, and worthy of a thousand great horror stories. Me and you. You were the only vehicle capable of taking me between 2 worlds and back to this one again. It was me and you here when all those miracles occurred in front of my eyes, no denying them, or their pure unadulterated life changing essence. You were there when I was too shy to show my other best friends who I had become.

Now I have no idea who I am anymore; so your filling the gap between self acceptance and self-expression until further notice or further bravery, whichever comes first.

Back then, You were there when I couldn’t lift my head up off the arm of the chair; when the only time I moved was to go to the loo. When I was so depressed it was an effort to breathe and a daily battle with suicidal fantasies. Yes. Fantasies. I wanted nothing more than to die back then.

Getting Naked… Depression Is Her Skin

What I never talk straight about

Depression!

Basically, my mental health has deteriorated to the point of complete ‘stoppage’ in all areas of my life. I’ve been living in my arm-chair for as long back as I can remember

Most days, I can’t even summon the will to bathe and brush my teeth

Sooooo…I’ve been fighting against the tide of my mental illnesses for nearly ten years and I’ve finally given up

Literally, physically, and psychologically…I’m fucked, tired, confused, astounded, grateful, defensive, paranoid, scared and my heart hurts

But this giving up thing only feels bad when I have an idea or a longing for something in my future, then I remind myself…’Dawn, you’ve given up, stop thinking about all that crap’

I’ll have a Diet Coke and a Dose of Leprosy (Please) :)

Hey all you folks on the tinternet!

I have written just 3 or 4 posts in 6 whole months! I’ve missed it a lot, and I’ve noticed that the more often I write, the better I feel. Plus, I still have a weak spot for them orange stars on wordpress…they give me a mini lift ;). I was writing almost everyday for 1 or 2 years before this gargantuan hiatus hit me. I was so self-conscious (whole ‘nother story). I think the creative section of my brain went AWOL

Ideas flowed in and out of me…normally

I was always thinking, always linking the ‘facts of life’!!! together to illustrate how the puzzle is made real… because of our inter connected lives, in terms of experiences, thoughts and feelings, schooling, families, institutions, careers, friends and lovers etc. Our similarities are wide-reaching, and bigger (more meaningful) than our differences. I truly believe that…

Anyways!!!

This post was meant to just be about alcohol, so I’ll get on the topic right about now

A Philosopher’s Psyche…

A philosopher is born, not educated

A philosopher searches because of the inner turmoil they feel from first breath to last

A philosopher’s natural state is often to rest in sadness

A philosopher teaches themself that everything is an illusion

An honest philosopher will tell you ‘I don’t know’

A deluded philosopher will eventually implode, scattering infinite possibilities into the universe

A wise philosopher changes academic direction

A foolish philosopher drowns in their own open-mindedness, where the waves hold the infinite possibilities

A philosopher confirms nothing and questions everything

A philosopher was not destined for a life on earth

And takes an entire lifetime to find the warmth of home

Author – Unknown

My Vision for Improving Mental Health for Patients and Professionals Alike…

I would be extrememly grateful for any opinions you have on this dear readers, as I want to take this to my NHS trust in the hope some of the ideas and viewpoints are viable… the goal being to improve service to patients, and to give professionals more confidence and room to utilise their unique ways of caring, leading to a higher sense of satisfaction for all involved.

Its a bit messy and not the finished draft, but pre-tweek, i’d soooooooo appreciate your views if you have some time to read it. Danke Danke 🙂

The number’s for the numbered points have disappeared in the copy and paste transfer…as have all the references! I’m sure we all know why, anyhoo, the main bones are here!

Good Doctors are never forgotten. Good practice changes lives. Poor practice can destroy them. 

   Anxiety, Mental Illness & Ethics for Change

 

Guidance to Treat Anxiety alongside other Mental Health Issues – For Primary & Secondary Care Workers

1.       The True Scale of Anxiety in ‘Mentally Ill Patients’

2.       Anxiety Kills!

3.       A Safe Place is Vital…

4.       The Things We All Feel When Were Mentally Unwell

5.       Simplify and Believe. When Will The Culture of Distrust Dissolve?

6.       The Questionnaire

7.       6 Ways to Nurture Hope…

8.       6 Things We Will Do For You (Immediately)

9.       6 Weeks Alone – Mind The Gap

10.   6 Steps to Great Care – Back to Basics…

11.  No More Double Standards – Say Goodbye To Stigma

 Guidance to Treat Anxiety alongside other Mental Health Issues – For Secondary Care Worker

The 333’s of 2013 – Borderlines, Love, Help of Hope, Therapy for a Life :)

The 7th story in my little writing challenge for 2013. Each line must begin with a word that starts with the same letter as the last word on the line before it. 3 words in a line, 33 lines in ze story…

WHY? Cos I LOVE the number 3 🙂

……….

It’s been years

Years? How many?

Millions, or seven

So I re-touched

Reading your sheets

So much advice

All so relevant

Rivers away then

Theory, fantasy, wishful

We did it!!!

I’m confused..What?

We fixed some

Simply by trying

Test me please!

Paul said NO

Our Forever Changing ‘Shadow of Self’ – The Two Wolves

Twice this week I have come across a quote you’ve probably all heard

“A fight is going on inside me,” said an old man to his son. “It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good. he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you.”

The son thought about it for a minute and then asked, “Which wolf will win?” 

The old man replied simply, “The one you feed.”
― Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

This got me thinking about a section from the book – ‘Conversations with God’…It basically said that due to the human need for duality (which is required in order to find meaning in this life) God is, and always has been ‘ALL OF IT’.

He (or Life) created on Earth a system including…good and bad, lies and truth, joy and pain, morals and anarchy, gluttony and hunger, poverty and riches etc. He (or life) created these opposites so that we may know ourselves, and also re-define ourselves as we change and grow. We do this by relating our traits to the attributes of the 2 wolves

This got me thinking about our shadows

Dear Body, I’m Sorry…

Dear Body,

Considering our history, you may find some of the words written here, very difficult to believe. Probably because of the way I used to see you

That does not make them any the less true…

I’m sorry for mocking your dimpled thighs. I wish it was just mocking that needed a mention, but hatred was/is in there too…

You have carried me for 34 long years, and in that time I have done nothing to nourish you. Instead I have pumped you full of junk food, drugs, alcohol and nicotine, just to name a few of many unhealthy substances

Chemically Induced Writers Block! (‘A Sucks)…

Chemically induced writers block

Creative juices live in brain socks

Bare feet tip toe around my grey matter

Producing a streamlined flow of chatter

Socks on the toes desensitize me

Socks off the toes sends my grey bits crazy

Quetiapine sucking my dopamine

Rinsing my brain like a grandiose spring clean

Leaving nothing like it was when it was old,

Sucking my emotions til cold

Chemically induced writers block

Stealing my stories, hidden in brain socks

Bin The Labels…and Please Make Way For The Connections

If I ruled the world, I would begin by eradicating labels from society…ALL of them (almost)

There would be no – Black, White, British, Spanish, Old, Young, Liberal, Conservative, Sociopath, Bi Polar, Cancer, Farmer, Waitress, Unemployed, Married, Single, Disabled, Blind, Forgiving, Vengeful, Kind, Generous, Sweet, Cruel, Upper Class, Learning Difficulties, Healthy, Sick, Damaged, Fixed etc

When I studied sociology, I learnt about the importance of labels. I was taught that when a new label was introduced to mainstream language, it was a reflection of a ‘groups’ needs being recognised.

I was also taught that when a new label replaces an old one, such as the change from ‘Spastic‘ in the 80’s; to ‘A person with Learning Difficulties‘ in the 2000’s; the change is a reflection of a group trying to shed the stigma of being attached to a label that is mocked/ridiculed/mistreated/misunderstood/considered lesser

Sociology aside, life has taught me more about labels than any academic theory ever could.

10 Random Things I Think

I think the world is far weirder than one person could ever even imagine, let alone grasp or fully understand/know

I think the biggest damn between people, is made entirely of presumption shaped bricks

I think I am a least partially tapped of mind, never to be untapped again

I think there are levels on the way to evolving as a species, and I believe we won’t get to the highest ones until we abandon money and the RIDICULOUS human invention known as – the economy

I think people are a lot kinder deep down than they think they are

My nan used to say, thought thought he’d shit himself, but when he looked he’d only farted 🙂 lol… nice one Grandma Bunn 🙂

I think the way we allow our old people to be treated is a disgrace, and we should be utterly and entirely ASHAMED

I think people are most lacking free time in the West, and free time is needed for reflective thought to be touched upon, and for growth and change to be considered, rather than reactive

I think I think too much for my own good

I think love has more power than any other force on this earth

Dear Psychosis…I’ll have my songs back now!!! Thank-you Please!

I shan’t dwell on the hell of last year, courtesy of a whopping dose of psychotic insanity (I call her/it ‘Ms Psychosis’)…except to tell you that when she comes at you in full force, she steals all of your previous links to memories old and new; and ‘shats’ all over them with her own scary and wholly negative version, of fowl smelling poop!

She leaves no stone unturned, no niche untouched… and Ms Psychosis done a sterling job of turning all 506 songs on my iPod, into 506 poxy triggers.

Sooooooo; I’ve decided that I don’t want her infecting my playlists anymore. And I’ve told her she is on the way to being phased right outta town

The triggers don’t just disappear unfortunately, you have to boot them out with gusto, over a period of time

So, when the song begins, it now gets 5 seconds to be a sign of insidious evil squit, and the following 3 or 4 minutes are dedicated to remembering the old and marvellous memories, that come with each and every song that I love…

Sooooooooooo…Ms Psychosis, you get 5 seconds now…and soon you’ll be down to 2!

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Biatch 🙂

A Stranger In My Psyche…

When you’re close, I feel the wonder of your joy

You and others say you never leave anyone alone

You are always ‘nowhere’ so you can be ‘now here’

Where ever that may be

So maybe it’s me that has travelled tonight

Unknowingly and unwillingly I have left your side

Like a child, I feel fragile when I can’t feel your hand in mine

Sometimes I don’t like my needs

My 3 Irreplaceable Items…Island Life and Death! ;)

Someone once told me that you can learn an enormous amount about a person’s nature, if you play this little Q) and A) game

You’re stranded on a desert island, and you will be stuck there for a few months (minimum)

What 3 things would you take with you and why?

1) A Nivea lip balm. Mainly because, once you apply the stuff for more than a week, your body stops making ‘lip grease’ (non scientific explanation). I once believed that the body would figure out – that the moisturising effect was coming from outside of me…apparently not. On a dry day, you’re looking at a maximum comfort period of 15 minutes, before they and I begin to crack. My best friend now buys a bulk box of 28 at a time for me (bless him) as he got sick to death of the ‘lip-arama’ that flowed from me, every time I lost 1. I now have 5 in my handbag at all times in case of emergency 😉

Kicking Social Anxiety in Ze Butt! Yay!

I have a rather bulging treasure chest of mental illnesses and as expected, anxiety plays a large part in my life and my symptoms. Over the years I have gone from the status of

‘Social Butterfly’ to ‘Helma the Hermit’

Anyhoo, I was trawling the net to try to find some help for the swine that is anxiety; and I found this AMAZING site.

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/

It is quite simply – A bubbling cauldron of spandangly insight, wisdom and tools! The guy who runs/owns the site has written a book on anxiety, but there is so much info on his page, I didn’t feel the need to purchase the book.

Instead, I used one of my many many unused and shiny notebooks (it’s a crushing fetish/addiction; since they started pimping them with flowers and butterflies (DAMN YOU CHINA with your tempting plethora of delightful goods ;)). ANYHOO – Back to the point, I now own a utilised notebook named

My Little Book of Anxiety

I wrote down key points from each page, and I’ve been reading it everyday since

Understanding a Hoarders Pain – Sympathy to Empathy

I recently watched a documentary on some of ‘Britain’s Biggest Hoarders’

Being someone who is ENORMOUSLY affected by my environment, my heart immediately went out to these people, and the horrendous conditions they live in. Most of them have a space that is just wide enough to house them in an office chair, and their belongings are literally stacked wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Most had rat infestations and dead insects carpeting the floors

As the program unfolded, I was really trying to understand their problem, and the reasons why their possessions drove them to live in such a shocking environment. As the ‘helpers’ came to sort out the ‘gold from the shite’… I could see the anxiety leaking from every pore of each hoarder, their distress was palpable.

Addictive Genes and Sad Souls…Do We Inherit Sadness?

I was 6 or 7 years old when my first addiction began, I used to get £1 for dinner money, and everyday my Mum would see me over the main road and wave goodbye; off I would trot to meet the two friends who I walked to school with.

The gap between her wave goodbye, and the knock on my friends front door, was the best part of my day

I remember the feeling of excitement as I rushed to the shop at the bottom of our estate, where I would buy 10 packets of ‘Cheesies’ and 10 packets of ‘Meanies’ (small bags of 5p crisps)

I don’t know how I knew that it needed to be a secret, but I knew it alright; I knew it intrinsically. So; I would eat ALL 20 packets in rapid time, and by the time I reached my friend’s house, I had consumed them all, and my secret was safe

By lunchtime, I was starving, every single day… and I knew that if I could stop buying the crisps, I’d be able to eat lunch with my friends. I regretted it everyday, whilst I watched everyone eating their lunch; but I didn’t stop…because I couldn’t stop,

Geezer Birds and Camp Alpha Males

I’ve never really been a girly girl on a large-scale. Don’t get me wrong, I adore shoes, I love an excuse to put a spangly dress on, and I probably have more clothes and handbags than Vera Wang herself

I also have zero tolerance for anyone touching my hair in case they mess with the direction of my curls, and/or pushing my eye brow hair in the wrong direction!

BUT….

I have always been the token lad when I’m hanging out with the boys… a poker playing, mischievous, direct, semi alcoholic, adrenaline seeking, bossy sod! And I don’t exactly exude that age-old feminine trait – vulnerability.

Also; when I blow my nose I reckon it’s a good 50 decibels louder than your average chick.

The Outer Ripples of Judgements…Friends of Friends

Humans lie for many reasons; one less mentioned and less obvious reason, is to protect our privacy

Up until recently, I always thought it better to tell your close friends the real reasons behind your decisions and actions, as real friends generally accept you no matter what, and having true friends in your life is a blessing not to be under-estimated

I can be a bit anal about this, as I’m over sensitive about lies (even though I am at times, a liar). I like people who tell you how it is, even when it isn’t rosy, because you know where you are with them.

But I also have friends who believe they are being a better friend by not being straight with me, if the issue is controversial, hurtful and/or potentially explosive, and I see this method as just as committed, compassionate and loving.

Another thoughtful way of dealing with a lack of understanding; both methods come from the desire to be a good friend. It’s a matter of preference, rather than better or worse ways

HOWEVER, if your reasons for doing something or not doing something are kinda abnormal to said friend(s), and especially if they cannot understand or relate to them, they can and do make judgements about you that are outright wrong and hurtful, and if the reasons become increasingly outlandish, the less people get you, and the more you are subjected to being labelled something you are not

Which kinda pisses all of us off!

Which One(s) Are You?

Due to recent life events, I have been forced to stretch my wisdom genes and my philosophical viewpoints further than ever before…and in this process I have come to believe that every person is

A Master, A Teacher, A Preacher and/or a Healer

In life there are so many individual occurrences, that entwine to make our lives what they are. Meaning and understanding have to be taught, we need to learn about them, and to heal from the pain filled ones, in order to function in any society